Am I just a sulking husband?

[Orangepuffpastry]

My first post here, looking for some perspective.

We have two DC, 7 years and 8 months. We’re incredibly lucky that they’re both happy and healthy.

I worry that my marriage isn’t healthy though. My DW gave up work when DC1 was born to be a full time SAHM. We live in a small semi in London and I’m self employed with a massive mortgage. I usually have to work one day over the weekend as well as during the week to make ends meet. I used to love my work, but have recently started to resent the long hours which take me away from DW and the kids. My performance has suffered recently and I’m beginning to think a way out of the responsibility is to deliberately sabotage my career. I have no friends to speak of or anyone else to relate to. I don’t have the time for friends and in the past my DW has made me feel guilty for spending time out when she needs me at home.

We’re not well off by any means and there is rarely any money left at the end of the month. We hardly go out. I’m no saint, but I do try to make an effort with my share of the housework. I’ll always put DC1 to bed, make the school lunches, put some washing in, load the dishwasher, clean the kitchen etc when I’m at home. The trouble is, it doesn’t seem to be enough for DW. There’s always petty comments on my performance. Today, she told me that I shouldn’t put certain knives in the dishwasher because they blunt (I’d just spent a good hour getting the baby up and dressed at 6:00, making breakfast for both DC and cleaning up, leaving me with 10 minutes for a shower and shave) and that I used too many pots and forgot to wash one up when I made the DCs breakfast this morning (before rushing out to take DC1 to school and then on to work).

These might be important issues to deal with, but for me the lack of any intimacy between us is crushing me. When I lie awake at night worrying about how to pay our bills I wish she would just give me a hug or a kiss goodnight, but it’s always me that goes to her. We’ve had sex twice this year so far (four times last year) and both times I was frankly rubbish. I was far too eager to reignite passion. The lack of any intimacy and the fact that I always initiate any physical affection is sending me out of my mind. It’s not that I want sex necessarily, I just want to feel loved. For me, physical affection is part of an emotional connection which I miss so much.

I went to the GP a few weeks ago and just cried - I’m sick of the work pressures, money worries, disconnection from the love of my life and the near constant nagging about how I don’t do the housework right.

I understand she’s tired. She probably resents the daily grind of childcare, cooking and a miserable husband. She is a wonderful mum and I suspect the nagging is probably a desire for affirmation or recognition on some phycological level, but I just don’t understand how she carries on without any need to engage in any physical contact. I’m not talking sex, just a hug or a quick peck on the cheek would do. WTF do I have to initiate all the time?

I have spoken to her about this, to which the answer is “that’s the way I am, don’t try and change me”. But, that’s not the way she was BC.

I know I’ve given only my half of the story, but it just seems that for every chore I do, there are two more that she tells me I haven’t done or do wrong. Even when things seem to be ok, it’s like physical affection just isn’t part of our relationship unless I approach her.

Is this normal life and am I just another sulking husband?

Is it possible she may have undiagnosed PND? My DH sounds like you and I used to be fed up with what he wasn't doing so much that I didn't acknowledge what he DID do. I still nag him, but don't mean to, it just sounds like I am. But I used to obsess over the smallest things because of my PND (still suffering btw)

DH however really struggled with the lack of intimacy after having DS.. the birth and breastfeeding literally put me off of having sex, or wanting to be touched because I was constantly being touched by a baby. I still feel that way sometimes when DS(now 19 months) has been particularly clingy during the day.

I do like cuddles and have a need to be intimate now. But sometimes I just hug DH when he's asleep so he can't complain of being too hot (also the best time for me to cry when I'm having a meltdown)

I hope things improve for you

She sounds like a lazy cow to me, if you are working all those hours, then why can't she do the housework, packed lunches and get the eldest one to school. I have been both a career woman and am a sahm until my youngest goes to school in September. My husband also works very hard and we have a huge mortgage, I don't ask him to do any day to day stuff (he helps out loads if I am I'll, etc) as he leaves the house at 6:15 and returns about 7pm. That is his job atm and mine is the house. When I go back to work in September it will be more equally split.
Lack of affection is a big deal, and I think you need to sort out a time and sit down, when the children are in bed and discuss it properly. If both work and home are affecting your mental health then you need to tell her, she may be feeling the same way?

That all sounds really difficult op, and you certainly don't sound at fault. Without hearing your wife's side of the story it hard to know how to improve things. Perhaps she isn't interested in you any more. Perhaps she still loves you but is resentful of you for some reason. Resentment kills affection, I know that from experience. No advice sorry just posted to support you really.

Does your wife knows about all your worries ?? In the post you did mentioned you talked to her. But did you talked about the fact and long hours and working even sometimes on the weekends is stressing you out .You wife is stressed out because the house work never ends with small kids ( obviously the little one must be keeping her on her toes ) and so you are .You both need break .You can either call a baby sitter for a day to look after the kids and while you and your wife and go out for a movie or dinner and talk in peace and undertand whats wrong.Even a kind helper from family also does wonders .Hope this helps !

I’m beginning to think a way out of the responsibility is to deliberately sabotage my career

That would be Olympic level sulking.

As well as always being at the beck and call of your young child, you can't underestimate how boring and dull being a sahm is.

Does she resent you always being out of the house? Would she rather go out to work and let you get on with the shitwork at home a few days a week?

Do you do date nights at all?
Once the kids are in bed, cook together and sit and talk.
What do you both do in the evenings when the DC have gone to bed?
With my ExH we always had a night of no TV and talked about all sorts.
Another night we would cook and play games, again no TV.
You need to reconnect somehow.

Exactly AdultHumanCat.
Being a SAHM can be like being consigned to a social and intellectual oubliette. The mental pressure of the constant boredom and ever present societal judgement (and EVERYTHING you do is wrong to someone nearby) can be physically painful. That alone is exhausting and soul destroying.

My dh probably says similar about me. I'm really particular about how things are done and because I don't work the house and house work have become my domain, and when dh comes and does things in a different way to what I would, it annoys me. The same as if you were at work and someone came and did your job rubbish and caused more work for you and damaged your tools or put them away so you couldn't find them.

Tbh I would rather just do stuff myself most the time. I've got no advice, other than listen and do stuff the way she likes.

Also is she breast feeding. I have a 6 month old and breastfeeding has killed my sex drive and when I haven't got a kid on me, I just want some space.my dh understands and accepts it because but will pass.s.

See if you can’t get an evening where someone else looks after the baby and take her out. Even just a walk with a picnic. It doesnt have to cost money.

There is a strong possibility you have both lost your fun and appreciation for each other amongst all the drudgery and making ends meet whilst being at the beck and call of the kids.

You can’t fix the big problems without reconnecting and looking at the little things.

I just don’t understand how she carries on without any need to engage in any physical contact. I’m not talking sex, just a hug or a quick peck on the cheek would do. WTF do I have to initiate all the time?

I’ll be honest - I have twin toddlers with disabilities, my days are absolutely bloody draining and exhausting. Often when they are in bed I just want to be left alone. I don’t want to be touched or talked to. I need some physical and mental space. I have no more attention left to give much of the time. I’m just a mum drone most of the time and it can be absolutely soul destroying.

Does she ever get any time to herself? You both need some. Until my boys started nursery a few mornings a week I was never on my own and it’s really hard to function.

I had a total breakdown recently and it’s the mental load that crushes me. I wonder if your wife feels a similar way.

Has your wife not worked at all since having your 7 year old? Not even part time?

I think you both need to adjust your work life balance.
It would take the pressure off you a little if your DW got a job - even part time - to help with the finances, and you would be less exhausted and stressed if you were able to drop the weekend work day at least. She might appreciate being out of the house and among adults for a while too.
Sex is never just about sex - it’s often a reflection of the state of your relationship. Most women would struggle to feel desire if they are seething with resentment, worried about money, feeling unappreciated, or coping with PND. You can’t go straight from no physical contact all day to full on passionate sex - you need to build up slowly with little bits of affection and shared intimacy, a cuddle here, a shared joke over dinner there, a smile and a thank you for chores done, a back rub after a hard day etc.
Could you both think back to how you felt about each other when you were first dating? Remember the little things you loved and fancied about each other? Try reminiscing together, and recapture some of those feelings.
Finally, try to pull together as a team. You should be able to confide your stresses and worries to each other, knowing that you have each other’s back. Communication is vital - and that means listening as well as talking. Good luck in trying to rescue the relationship, OP.

Relate

Could you look for a job in a cheaper part of the country, sell up and have a smaller mortgage?
Would taking the money worries away help you focus on your marriage?

I totally get the pots thing wound her up though. It was a job she thought wasn't on her list and then was again.
So many men do a half arsed job on purpose to not be asked to do something again(I'm not saying that's you but it might be in her mind). And lots of women here complain that their partners don't do things to their standard and martyr themselves to doing everything again.
There is probably some middle ground for you both to find.

OP, that sounds very hard for you.

Paying a big mortgage and having to work so hard is exhausting, especially if you see no end in sight.

I think you desperately need to sit down and tell your wife how sad, stressed and lonely you feel.

Not in anger, not in an accusatory way.

Just from your heart.

Best of luck.

If you're self employed do you work from home? Could you move out of London into a cheaper house to reduce your hours? Could she get a very part time job and you cut back one day? You really really really shouldn't sabotage your career!! Her getting back into work may also improve her mood.

No ideas for the rest of it though, sorry.

Did you both agree to her SAH? If it's not working out financially, maybe you (as a team) need to reconsider that.

She could go PT (2-3 days a week?), or you could reduce your hours and you could both do PT (4 days a week?).

but it just seems that for every chore I do, there are two more that she tells me I haven’t done or do wrong

Have you considered that this might be true? Housework + young child childcare generates a lot of work, esp if you're sleep deprived from doing the overnights. Does she do all overnights?

Also, there's a saying here about being 'touched out'. If she's breastfeeding, she may not welcome physical intimacy. It doesn't mean she doesn't like you, it just means that she's already sharing her body with her baby and doesn't have enough to go around.

Also, do you ever look after both children by yourself for an extended period? Or even just the baby for a whole day with no respite? (to understand what she does everyday while older child is at school)

Depending on the baby, it's sometimes exhausting (I had one easy baby, one utterly exhausting baby).