Paedophile Issue - Please Help!

[Milo2]

Hi everyone.

My husband has recently told me that when he was about 11 or 12 years old his cousin who was 20/21 at the time sexually abused him for a week whilst staying at my husbands family home.

Once the cousin and family had left my husband finally plucked up the courage to tell his mother. His mother's response was that my husband was to tell noone about this as it would mean they could no longer go on their holidays each year abroad to stay at the cousins house.

Later that year the cousin and his family were due to come back to my husbands house (as they always did at least once a year) and my husband kicked up a big fuss saying he didn't want the cousin to come back again. He begged them not to put him in his room so they let him stay somewhere else (possibly in his younger brother or two younger sister's rooms).

My husband asked his mother to tell his aunty (her sister) about the abuse but she refused. I have however recently found out that his mother's best friend knows about it and believe his dad knows too.

Traumatised, my husband has had to live with this his whole life. Continuing to see this cousin several times a year. My husband was silenced by his parents and he buried the whole thing until recently.

The first time he remembered it was about 3 years ago when his father came to our house extremely angry and it triggered the memory. My husband was really upset as his father behaves as though my husbands feelings don't matter.

They never listened to him when he spoke up about the abuse and they continued to expose my husband and his siblings (and many other children) to this paedophile cousin.

My husband and I could really do with some advice from someone that is un-biased. We know how we feel about it all. We are horrified and disgusted. However, it doesn't seem like others feel the same.

For example the first person we have told about this is my husband's dad's girlfriend who has lived with him for 10-15 years. Her response was that she feels sorry for my husband - however she doesn't want this coming in between her's and my husband's dad's relationship. We understand that, of course we do. But...

They are having the paedophile cousin over to stay for the summer as usual. When we asked her 'what about your grandchildren and all the other children that he will be around?' she simply replied 'yes, I'll keep an eye on him'.

Are we being unreasonable in thinking that this is unbelievable behaviour? Surely what my husbands parents did when he was 11/12 is aiding and abetting a paedophile? They continued to let him stay at their house with their children and many other children knowing what he had done! What he could potentially have done again?!! What he could be continuing to do now to this day?

What would you do if you were us? Our thoughts are that my husband's dad cannot be trusted with our new baby girl. We would never ever leave her with him or his girlfriend. We are thinking about telling him that unless he stops supporting this paedophile cousin he may well not be able to see our baby girl anymore.

We are extremely worried about all the other children that are being exposed to this very strange cousin too. If I had my way I would be reporting him to social services. He lives in another country though.

My husband is the best father anyone one could wish for and I'm so heartbroken to know that this is what he has gone through. I've watched him be controlled and manipulated by his father for years and have often felt sorry for him. But this.... this is something else.

OMG OP I am so sorry this happened to your DH. I have no experience and I'm sure someone will give you better advice. However, my first thought would be to report this disgusting cousin to the police immediately. This will be traumatising for your DH but he has to be stopped from doing this to anyone else!!
I would also be cutting all contact with his family.
You are absolutely NOT being unreasonable and no child should be anywhere near this person! I'm actually disgusted that your poor DH has such awful parents who knowingly put their own child at risk.

I’m so sorry that your dh (and you) are going through this. Unfortunately, it is not at all unusual for families of an abuser to behave like this, to protect the abuse and minimise the shame that they feel would come on the family if this was public information.

I would first encourage your dh to get/continue to get support for himself. Secondly, if you/your dh feel comfortable, I would contact the parents of the young children in the family and tell them about this cousin.

We had a situation in my dh’s family where a family member was a known abuser (had abused a child in the family, not my dh, but had been convicted and gone to prison for it). We were not told this initially (he married into the family after his release from prison). Because we weren’t told, he had regular contact with our eldest dc, thankfully, never unsupervised as she was only 2 when we found out. We have no reason to believe she ever came to any harm. But the sense of betrayal was horrible. These family members who I truly loved and respected went out of their way to deceive us (those who knew even had a family meeting to discuss how they would keep it from us so we wouldn’t refuse him contact with our dc!!). It caused a lot of hurt that has lasted many years and our relationships will never recover from it. I would have been incredibly grateful to the person who could have had the balls to speak up about it. So I would write them a letter or an email and just make sure they know.

Then between the two of you, you need to decide how you deal with relationships with family who did not protect your dh as a child. There is no easy answer. In our case, we set very strict boundaries for what we expected of other family members if they wanted to see our dc. One grandparent refused because she believed the abuser and wanted to support him instead. She went many years without seeing our dc. She eventually got some counselling of her own and accepted she was wrong. We have been able to move forward with minimal supervised contact. Going NC with a childs GP is very difficult. If you can find away to heal that relationship, that would be ideal, but I think you need to have some very honest conversations with your dh’s dad and perhaps some family counselling all together. You are not wrong for how you are feeling though or questioning these relationships.

I feel exactly the same crappyday2018. I suggested that we tell the police a while back as even if they just have his name on file then it's a start. It's difficult as my husband is currently trying to come to terms with what's happened to him at the mo. He says what his parents did is worse than the actual abuse, so he's really going through it. Thanks for your response. I will be showing my husband this thread and hopefully it will help to give him a good perspective on the situation. This cousin needs monitoring for sure. Like you, I'm disgusted that his parents did this. It really is shocking.

Could he cope with filing a police report? I think this cousin needs to be arrested and charged to be honest. It’s not your DHs fault but unfortunately he is now the only one who can do this.

Just to make matters worse his dad used to be a teacher and his girlfriend worked as a PA in social services. It really makes me question what on earth is going on in their heads. How can they even think any of this is acceptable?

Our baby has just woken but I will respond to you all later. Thank you so much for taking the time to reply!

I was raped at 14 and sexually assaulted in a separate incident. Societal stereotypes are not kind to sexually abused boys/men, and I still feel the shame, the despondent blackness of total shame as keenly as over 25 years ago. Sorry TMI, but I had an erection whilst being raped, I know it's an involuntary physiological reaction but logic and reason depart when I trigger.

My DP knows very little, I've posted parts on this board and broke down in front of a therapist recently.

In the mountainous amount of reading I've done, it's minimised and excused.

It's taken a monumental amount of courage to open up, he's a very brave man. I hope he can find his peace.

You know you've posted this twice with different titles?

OP I am so sorry to read what you have written. I am sorry to say my story is very similar to your husbands and from speaking to Counsellor’s and many other survivors unfortunately is not uncommon.

I no longer have contact with my parents and some other family members over what has happened. Their lives have continued unimpeded as many other family members have continued much of their pretence with them.

You will read person after person write how they would never do what your DH parents have done but from being around this issue intensely for the last number of years I can tell you that is naive. It is my experience that often families that have abuse are dysfunctional in other ways. Ours on the surface was a perfect upbringing, but like your husbands, in fact the emotional needs of the children were pretty much an irrelevance to my parents. Many, many therapy sessions have shown me that not only were my parents incapable of meeting my emotional needs as a child and instead were incredibly selfish burying the abuse and shaming me to to the same, but that has not changed. They will never change.

I had two separate issues to come to terms with, the abuse, and realising what shits my parents had been.

This is a bit triggering for me and so I’m sure you can hear my anger coming though but actually on a day to day basis I have made my peace with my situation. I have mixed emotions about my parents, I still love them but I believe them to be deficient (selfish and possibly abusers/abused themselves) to the extent that we will never again have a relationship. It is excruciatingly sad but it can be gotten through. An extremely good counsellor is vital. I have absolutely no regrets in anything I have done, I have grown up an enormous amount having had to face into this and I am truly happy in my own shoes. It hasn’t gone away, it never will but day to day I am doing great. Those are all realistic goals for your DH too. I wish you both the very best.

Are we being unreasonable in thinking that this is unbelievable behaviour?

I have no direct experience of this but just want to confirm (I expect hundreds of us will shortly be on to agree) that you are correct this is fucking unbelievable behaviour. If anyone abused a child of mine I would go to the ends of the earth to protect them and make sure the abuser faced justice. And I would go to the ends of the earth to protect other children.

I am so sorry for your husband

What his parents did was horrendous and the biggest betrayal of trust. As a parent its your job to keep your children safe and they failed. I wonder if they just didn't believe your DH? Not that its any excuse whatsoever. I totally understand he is coming to terms with all this and all the bad memories will be flooding back now. My heart goes out to him.
Hopefully in time he can find the courage to report this creature but your first priority is the safety of your own child so please keep her away from the family until this is resolved.

The dysfunction in families often runs deep. In our case, the partner of the abuser (who knew and kept the secret from us so we couldn’t protect our children) is a social worker for vulnerable adults. She has safeguarding duties as part of her job. Another family member is a child psychologist! For a long time, I considered reporting the partner to the NHS as her safeguarding responsibilities don’t end with her patients. Sometimes I still wish I had, but there was just so much going on at the time that couldn’t quite cope with anymore drama.

Also if you have concerns there is no reason you can’t still make a report to SS. They are not responsible for punishing an abuser. They are there to protect children. You can give them the names and details of the children you are worried are about being harmed. They can at least investigate and perhaps it will raise the alert and they will be kept safe that way.

Given what you said, I think it is very unlikely your dh was the only child in the family this happened to. Opening up this discussion, especially with his siblings/other cousins, may help someone else to deal with what happened to them.

Report him to the police.
Get counseling for your husband if you haven't already.

Your husband's family are a fucking disgrace.

I understand it's difficult for your husband but reporting it is his - duty, really to try to protect other children, both inside and outside the family.

They are having the paedophile cousin over to stay for the summer as usual. When we asked her 'what about your grandchildren and all the other children that he will be around?' she simply replied 'yes, I'll keep an eye on him'.

This should be a crime too (if it isn't already).

I think it is good that your DH can speak with you so freely about what occurred. I hope you continue to support him. Unfortunately the reaction of DH's parents and later DH's fathers girlfriend are not unusual. You can only protect your family so I would be of the view that GF and Dad can't be trusted so no contact with your daughter. Abusers pick their victims wisely and your DH's abuser probably knew he had controlling self interested parents who would do little to nothing to protect him. I would contact the police in the other country about the abuser. The fallout is not your problem. Your DH is probably conditioned to be loyal to his Dad so may need counselling to process the betrayal by his abuser and then later by his parents.

I'm so sorry for what you're going through OP and for what your DH has been through. His parents behaviour was and is disgusting. I really do think, if he can, your DH should report this. A friend of mine was abused by his Uncle when he was the same age as your DP was. And he reported him a few years ago (as an adult). It came out that he'd abused other family members too, they only came forward once my friend had reported the Uncle. It was a difficult time but it went to court and he is now behind bars.

Stay strong and I wish you all the best.

I was sexually abused by grandfather, it all came out when I was about 15. Turned out he had done it to my sister too. Thankfully my parents did believe us and I know my mother harbours guilt for forcing me to to visit him to mind him. I wasnt brave enough to go to the guards about it but now wish I had. He is obviously dead.

Half my mothers family stuck by him and continued to have him in their homes around young girls. One of my cousins boyfriends actually asked me years ago to prove he did what I said he did and worse. That's the kind of shit people come out with. I avoided all them for years and only in recent times have made an effort, one aunt couldn't understand why she wasnt invited to my wedding to my ex. I'd love to have it out with them all just to put myself at peace but dont think I'm brave enough. I will say though one of the cousins from the ones that didnt believe me always says he believes me.

Someone I know is being very brave at the moment, she was abused by her sisters husband a long time ago and tried the guards Avenue back then but were threatened by his family. Now she is going through social services here in Ireland as his wife(her sister) is child minding. It has been a hard road for her but she can see the worth in it

I hope your husband finds peace and remembers the shame isnt on him but the cousin and his entire family. I hope he does go to social services. You can be guaranteed he isnt the only one.

Sorry that was an essay!!!

The abuse your husband experienced was horrific. The reaction he received from his parents, and his extended family, is disgraceful. He should have been protected, and loved, and helped instead of silenced. I am so very sorry he's been treated this way. It was so brave of him to speak up about it.

If your parents in law think they can stop this person abusing children now by "keeping an eye on him" they are mistaken. I was sexually abused as a three year old with my mother in the same room: she didn't see anything happening because the abuser knew what he was doing. The only way for children to be safe from this vile abuser is if he is not allowed any contact with them at all.

If your husband feels strong enough, he should go to the police and report to them what happened when he was a child. I did this a few years ago and they were so kind and supportive: it was a positive experience for me, but I know some people don't find it so.

If your husband doesn't feel strong enough to do that, it's fine: he wasn't responsible for the abuse, and he is not responsible for stopping this predator now. And there are other things he can do: for example, if he knows the families who are visiting he can tell those children's parents that he knows his cousin has sexually abused children, and that the only way they can keep their children safe from him is to not let him have any contact with them at all. Yes, it might well cause some problems in his family--but that's better than children now being abused.

I do hope you are all safe now, and I hope he is getting some sort of help or counselling now. He is a brave and strong man, and deserves support from his family, not censure and abuse.

Their reaction is awful. I feel so sorry for your husband. I have seen and heard this a lot recently. It seems people are just about able to speak up about the past again.
Stay well away from the abuser. No one knows how he is now but this is why I think it is so important to watch our own children because these things happened when people never expect it. It is more common than you think.

I would ask your husband to consider talking to the police, they will be able to advise you DH on what to do.

Please please tell the parents of the children who will be staying so that they can make their own risk assessment. I wouldn't take my DS to a home with a paedophile in it, even if I never took my eyes off him.

What would you do if you were us? Our thoughts are that my husband's dad cannot be trusted with our new baby girl.

Your father in law, and his girlfriend, cannot be trusted with your child. Or with any other child. They have in the past enabled a paedophile to continue abusing your husband, and now they are making excuses and enabling it all again.

In your situation I would go no contact with the lot of them. This is so wrong.

Just wanted to post this link here OP, in case it's helpful to you or DH napac.org.uk/
They offer support for survivors and their families.