Male on male domestic violence

[flamingjune123]

I have a good male friend who is in same sex relationship with someone diagnosed with BPD.
The relationship is becoming more and more abusive although not physically as yet. My friend doesn't know where to turn as his partner is now making threats to call the police and make allegations should my friend not let him into his hone when he turns up at night. My friend wants the relationship to finish but doesn't know what to do.
Does anyone know if there's a male equivalent to women's aid please?

Please encourage your friend to call these people today:-

www.mankind.org.uk/ Their number is 01823 334244

www.galop.org.uk/domesticabuse/

If he is in immediate danger then the police should be called.

Thanks so so much. I'm speaking to him in a while and he'll be so grateful too. He's not in immediate danger, it's more a chronic thing now and getting worse by the minute as the partner discovers new tools to torture with

So what is the living situation?
Is there any reason why he can't just leave?
I agree with contacting Mankind.
Also calling 101 and speaking to the DV team and reporting this would be a good start.
It would then be on record if his partner continues with the threats of police.
He needs to reach out to as many organisations as possible.

He lives in his own house. The partner comes and goes. I guess the answer to your question about why he doesn't leave would be as complex as why a woman doesn't leave domestic violence .....
I've advised him to contact the police and actually tell the story before the allegations start ( which I've absolutely no doubt is going to happen pretty soon)
The partner has the full range of behaviours that can occur when a person has bpd. Suicide attempts, self harming, obsessive jealousy, paranoia and huge attempts to isolate my friend from
His family and friends ( making malicious calls etc)
My friend was in the throws of the relationship before he realised just how dangerous and toxic it was

Word to the wise. NPD is often mistaken for BPD.

Yes I agree. However he's most definitely BPD, and quite severe

Also calling 101 and speaking to the DV team and reporting this would be a good start.

Totally this. Your friend can totally do without an investigation into an unfounded allegation - and read enough DV threads on here, you'll see that one tactic is to accuse the victim of DV/emotional or financial abuse.

Good thoughts for your friend - hope he gets through this.

Disagree OP. It's NPD. All abusers have NPD. BPD is usually the result of NPD abuse. Key difference is that they don't abuse.

And also you mention he's struggling to leave- that's the trauma bond. Hence NPD.

The Mankind Initiative (as recommended above) is excellent. They do, however, have very limited opening hours - there's hardly any funding for male victims, so that charity is constantly under threat of cloaure (I've fund raised for them a couple of times, after they helped me).

Might be worth checking for local resources in your area, too. A small number of providers are starting to recognise the need for support to male victims. In my area, for example, the local branch of Women's Aid rebranded to offer inclusive services, that recognises the 1 in 3 victims who are male. You may find there are similar providers in your local area.

@75Renarde - I'm afraid you're talking utter rubbish. Borderlines are more than capable of abuse. Violent, angry outbursts are a key symptom of the disorder, for goodness' sake. As someone who got outnof a marriage witb someone who had all the hallmarks of BPD, I can assure you that they can be very highly abusive. And my advice tk anybody who finds themselves entangled with anybody who has a personality disorder - especially BPD - is to run. As far and as fast as you can. They'll destroy you.

Err. No. It's NPD

Hmm...you seem to have a strong aversion to any suggestion that borderlines abuse, @75Renarde. Irrespective of your personal views, there is lots of evidence of abusive behaviour by borderlines.

mental-health-matters.com/borderline-personality-and-abuse/

psychcentral.com/lib/the-differences-between-abusers-with-narcissistic-personality-disorder-vs-borderline-personality-disorder/

Either way, for the poor guy on the receiving end of this, it doesn't really matter whether it's BPD or NPD. The answer is the same. Ultinately, he needs to leave, and the resources linked above will hopefully help him to do so.

Agree with you that he needs to leave. It's very difficult leaving abusive relationships. Takes on average 7 times.

75 he's been diagnosed by a Consultant Psychiatrist as having BPD. Anyone who has ever been on the receiving end of BPD rage knows that what you're saying isn't correct

I'm speaking to him shortly and he knows I now have contact details. From both me and him can't thank you all enough

Is his partner on medication?
Is he taking it properly?
My BIL is with someone with BPD and the rages used to be awful.
The poor guy has been beaten up.
Threatened with a knife on numerous occasions.
Had his car smashed up a few times.
But she seems to have settled a lot over the last few years.

He's on anti depressants and a mood stabiliser/ anti psychotic was advised. However he refused those as it's not him who has a personality disorder, it's everyone else!

Oh dear.
Well there's no helping him then and there will never be any improvement.
Time to cut his losses. As hard as that may be.
I hope he manages to get this toxic person out of his life.
I'm glad he has a good friend like you to help him through it all.

There is a MASSIVE difference between true abuse and provocation. It's the classic, it's her officer! I did nothing!

As to the psychiatrist. Hmm well, it's very very rare to diagnose NPD. If you have a quick look at the DSM V there is a substantial crossover between NPD and BPD in terms of behaviours.

People suffering from NPD frequently hide behind autism and BPD to explain their anti-social behaviours.

Oh and Hells I'm so so sorry for your BIL. I know and have seen drugs such as rispiridone make a great difference managing rages. However at the end of the day the person's personality is still disordered and will remain so in most cases and the side effects tend to be so dreadful

Err. No. It's NPD

What qualifies you to dismiss the psychiatrist who met and assessed this man and rediagnose him?

I had a friend with BPD (diagnosed) and I recognise all of this, OP.

It was very damaging and the knock on effects have been huge.

I would suggest that your friend needs to talk to the police asap.

Err. No. It's NPD

What a bizarre post!

Another possible source of support for your friend
Broken Rainbow

0300 999 5428
(0300 numbers are charged at local rate, and may show up on your itemised bill - please check before calling)

You can also call our freephone number 0800 999 5428

Our National Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Trans* (LGBT) Domestic Violence Helpline provides confidential support to all members of the LGBT communities, their family, friends, and agencies supporting them. The helpline is run by trained LGBT people and provides a space where you can talk through what is going on, and explore your options. We can:

provide confidential information, advice and support
help you create your safety plan
explore options around housing, legal advice, counselling and local support groups
tell you about your local LGBT friendly services
discuss the possibility of reporting to the Police
opening times

10am - 8pm Monday
10am - 5pm Tuesday
10am - 5pm Wednesday
10am - 8pm Thursday
1pm - 5pm Friday

Many thanks that's brilliant.