Can’t trust my feelings?

[SadieGx]

My heads a mess. I don’t know what to do or where we go from here.

5 years and it’s been tumultuous to say the least. We have 2 very small children together and I idolise them. No violence. Just a very immature man who has never been great at accepting responsibility.

I don’t doubt his love for me or the children but I doubt his ability to deal with his problems maturely and with our babies in mind. Instead he runs away, goes out drinking and we don’t know where he is or what he’s doing.

He thinks because he comes home in the morning that’s it’s not so bad (with his ex over 10 years ago, he would be out for days/weeks at a time!)

In 5 years it’s probably happened 5 or 6 times but this time I just feel drained of all hope. It’s been 18 months since the last incident. He stopped drinking for over a year and it’s been the best year of my life. He was perfect. Then the drinking of crept back and here we are again.

He says he knows he cannot drink again. He says he’s gutted he jeopardised everything we worked so hard to build and would never have done it without the drink.

I don’t really know what I’m asking. I know it’s all jumbled garbage and I’m sorry. I just need guidance. I feel numb this time around rather than angry or upset. I’m wondering if it’s just too much to accept. Can he change? Do they ever?

Please help me. Can I break up my family for so little (as he thinks) or have my boundaries been breached too many times?

From what you say he has had these issues for well over 15 years if you include how he was with his ex. Has he ever got outside support for his alcohol issues?

Only you know when enough is enough. But it's worrying he is minimising this - I bet he is arguing that it's just one night, rather than looking at the impact of the long-term pattern of behaviour.

Thank you for responding @sunfull you’re absolutely right. He genuinely thinks being “better” than previous = good enough. Yes, he went to AA for a year and it was honestly wonderful. We got the best of him without the worry.

My heart says if he never drinks again, things would be brilliant, my brain knows that if he did that, it would be miraculous because so many fail. I don’t know if he’s the exception to the rule.

That's ok!

It's really difficult. If he has used AA and stayed sober for months and been great I can see why you are torn. But..will you always have that voice saying it can change again at any moment? Would you ever be able to feel truly safe and trust he won't have one of these incidents again?

And no I don't think being "better" than before is good enough! That's like an abuser who used to hit someone every week saying it's ok because now they only do it once a year!

There are many many sober people out there.
You only have to look at threads on here to know that people do get 'clean' and stay that way.
But if you don't think he will then it's time to think about your future.
Have you reached out to Al-Anon as yet?
They can certainly help you with all of this.
A year sober is very good.
Is he willing to do it again?
Or does he want to continue to drink?