Kids aren’t mine. Ex is neglectful

[ConfusedDadof3]

Not sure where to start this. Will try to just feature major points so as not to write an essay.

I have 3 kids with my ex. We were never married. My name is on the birth certificates.

We split up last year but still live together. Although not for long.

I have always been the kids main carer, including going to uni and then working full time.

I get the kids up, dressed, fed. I come home, clean the house, feed the kids, bath them and put them to bed. It has always been like this.

It’s only in the last year I’ve begun to realise how abnormal this is and also seeing with some horror the reality of what’s been going on, or not going on, when I’m not at home.

Ex does literally nothing for the kids. When they are at home and I’m at work I have to fill water bottles for them so they get drinks. If she knows I’ll be home late she won’t feed them. So I’ll get home after 7pm and they won’t have been fed or bathed. If she knows I’m not coming home she will take them round her mums to be fed. If her mum isn’t around she will get them a macdonalds.

I can’t remember her ever giving the children a bath. And I’m fairly sure she hasn’t prepared a meal for them for at least the last couple years.

She has spent years lying and stealing off me. She threatens to stab me, hits me and threatens to accuse me of assaulting her.

I spent a long time being mugged off by her. But now I see her for exactly what she is and I’m tying my best to get me and the kids out.

Now she tells me the kids aren’t actually mine. This isn’t the first time she’s said this but is the first time she’s mentioned DNA tests. It’s quite likely true as she has had affairs all through our relationship.

She isn’t fit to look after them.

I don’t know what to do first. I’m trying to keep everything on a even keel while I’m still in the house. But I’m a matter of weeks I’ll be leaving and I’m worried what will happen to my kids.

What can I do?

I think you need to seek legal advice quite quickly. Do you own or rent together?

If they aren't yours what will you want to do? Your first instinct is the correct one. How old are they?

It's very important you get legal advice OP.

My heart goes out to you.

If she can’t even be bothered to feed or bath them, do you think she would allow you to have custody? Poor children, she sounds like a horror

What a horrible situation. Are you on the birth certificate? Can you fight through the court to get residency?

If your name is on the birth certificate then surely you don't need a dna test to be their primary carer.

(In fact DNA tests are usually done where a man wants to prove he's NOT the father and he fails to do the test it's assumed that he is.)

Please get them out of there. You know if you leave them there they will be neglected. How old are they?

They are all under 10, the youngest not at school.

She won’t just hand over custody. Idk y tbh.

I guess I’m scared of started the whole process. Worried about not being a ‘mum’, now not even worried about being this Dad, (I will always be their Daddy no matter what), worried she’ll make shit up about me.

I did say not long ago it can carry on as it does now, she picks them up from school I get them after work every day and take them back to mine, take them to her in the morning for school drop off, have them all weekend every weekend. She didn’t argue. But when I’m out and she finds out I’ve also got a new partner she may well start to make things difficult.

I don’t know whether to just let things run and make sure I’m there as much as possible or try and remove her parental responsibility simply because she’s not fit.

If I’m not their biological Dad, will I be able to get custody through the courts?

Yes, I’m on all the birth certificates.

Have you raised your concerns with the school or ss? Or course care for the children but you often find one partner effectively covering for other by making sure it all gets done and then no one actually knows how bad things are. Starting talking about it so it's all recorded before she works out what you're trying to do.

Who do I speak to first? And what do I say?

My gf tried to call SS when her kids were saying her ex had slapped one of them round the face and they basically weren’t interested. I don’t want to go “all guns blazing” not until I’ve got my shit together anyway

You need to speak to the school, as over the age of five the school oversees care and acts as first point of call (at least in Scotland). For your youngest, the Health Visitor is first point of call.

You're on birth certificates, so I would honestly put what she has told you regarding the paternity of your children on the back burner. I know what she has said is alarming, but you also say she has lied and stolen from you, so it seems very plausible that this too is made up to hurt you.

The safety and well-being of these children is absolutely paramount. You cannot leave them there If things are really as bad as you say. It really doesn't matter that you're 'not the mum' it doesn't matter in the slightest. Both parents have equal rights and responsibilities, don't let old fashioned patriarchal views distort what is really Important here, that your children have rights and part of those essential most basic of rights is to be taken care off. It doesn't matter if you're black, white, purple, male, female, non-binary...these children look to you for their care.

I would first, contact school/HV, then tie up lose ends in leaving, take children with you, sort out paternity issues if you still believe there may be some truth in what she's saying, but I think she's just trying to hurt you and mess with your head as you prepare to leave her.