Living with alcoholic - what’s my next step?

[gerispringer]

Help! I have an OH of some 35+ years we have 2 adult DC together plus I have 2 DC from a previous short marriage. So he is my long term man. He is great in so many ways. Caring, helpful, great at diy and anything practical, cooks, doesn’t do cleaning or washing but that’s not a issue. He does have an alcohol issue, which is the big cause of any rift between us. 6 months ago after an alcohol fuelled argument with our DS, I told him how I wasn’t going to to tolerate this any longer, the red line is - you can’t be horrible to my children- he’s been horrible to me lots of times, but I’ve written it off in the past as him having one too many etc, but I can’t tolerate it extending to my children. We then had a tearful heart to heart and he confessed that he was drinking secretly, vodka, whisky, , whatever, then having wine openly and he promised this would end. I felt awful that I had enabled this behaviour for so long by brushing it under the carpet, and said I would give him a chance, but the secret drinking has to stop.he promised this. I know he’s under a lot of stress - caring for his horrible elderly mother, looking after a frail sister as well as usual family demands from all the children, stepchildren and grandchildren we now have. Tonight he picked an argument with our son, and I recognised the signs - after I had refused to engage and he stomped off, I searched his space - the garage / shed where he spend a lot of time - empty vodka bottles. What do I do now? I have to confront him tomorrow- not tonight as he will still be under the influence. Do I say - you’ve had your chance that’s it for us or do I issue another ultimatum? I

Get yourself to Al Anon.

Thanks I’m going to phone them tomorrow. I’m a bit worried that they’re semi religious though.

Yes Al Anon. Don’t bother confronting him. Just focus on Al Anon. They are not religious - they refer to a “higher power” - it can mean anything to anyone - a God for some or just a goal for others.

Yep Al Anon. For you. But seriously he has to go. He's toxic to you and your family. If he can clean himself up, maybe reconsider after a year where he's been dry and clean and sober, and demonstrated that he has done so.

What’s the point of issuing an ultimatum if you don’t follow through?

Next step is you wave him goodbye. Unless you enjoy being embroiled in a toxic relationship.

Pull all the bottles out where he can see them, next to a bag packed with his things and a printed off information leaflet for Al Anon.

Did you yourself grow up with an alcoholic parent?.
What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.
What are you getting out of this relationship (apart from getting your own codependent needs met)?.

An ultimatum can only be issued one time and sadly you did not carry this through. Its now lost all its power and you certainly cannot issue another one now.

Apart from attending Al-anon meetings (they are not religious and you will meet ordinary people like you there) your next step is to start your own recovery from his alcoholism by ending this relationship. You also need to get off the merry go around here of alcoholism, codependency and denial. His primary relationship is with drink, not with you here and his thoughts center on where the next drink is going to come from. Unfortunately all his supposed good points (and those are also indicative of just how low your relationship bar is) get cancelled out because of his alcoholism.

Its known as the "family disease" for good reason and you have played your own parts in his alcoholism too. You've acted as his codependent partner, enabler and provoker (because you never forget) throughout all the years you have been together. Do not further waste your years and energies on this man and do not put your son through yet more misery. He has suffered enough too.

Go to al- anon or a similar group. They will help you set boundaries and get clarity in your own mind as to what you want your future to be.

I will say this though - your OH is unlikely to change. The secret drinking is a huge red flag. My late H did it too and he never found the drive to get sober. Secret drinking means alcohol is his first, his last, his everything.

If you do issue an ultimatum you must follow through. I did. It ended my marriage, it cost my H everything because without his family cushioning him he couldn't function.

I still have no regrets. Living with an alcoholic means always walking on eggshells and always living with a dark cloud in your life. Life without my H is unimaginably better for me and most importantly for my DDs. Think about what your life could be.

How are you doing OP? How have the replies made you feel?

I wonder why you feel it's ok for him to treat you badly. How were you treated by your parents when you were growing up?

He is unlikely to stop for good at this point.
You need to decide if you're able to stay with him. No point issuing ultimatums. Just decide for your self what you need to do for you.

It’s pointless to issue another ultimatum. He’s drinking in secret and then abusing you and your kids. Time for him to go.

You tell him to go. It’s not something you can fix & your life will forever be dominated by his alcoholism. I speak from experience having divorced an alcoholic 24 years ago. Best thing I ever did. ((Hugs)) for you as it’s hard, I know.

Tell him to go. He won't change unless he wants to and issuing empty threats just enables him. If you tell him to go, and mean it, the shock may be his rock bottom - or it may not.

I missed that you'd already done the ultimatum and that he broke his promises about no more stealth drinking.

Time to move on, OP. I'm sorry, but he won't find sobriety until he starts losing things - and you won't find happiness living with an alcoholic. At some point he'll stop functioning and after that it gets worse very fast.