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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He just wants to be friends

22 replies

MonicaBee · 04/07/2019 20:34

The guy I have been seeing for a few months has suddenly backed off and said he just wants to be friends as he doesn’t think he can be as happy with anyone else as he was with his ex wife.

How would you deal with this situation if you really liked the guy?
I’m thinking back off and hope he comes back to me?
Help!

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 04/07/2019 20:36

You deal with it by accepting it. He's just not that into you I'm afraid. If he were, he wouldn't be backing away. Such is life.

RamblingEm · 04/07/2019 20:39

How would you deal with this situation if you really liked the guy?
I’m thinking back off and hope he comes back to me?
Help!

If it was me, then he can have space and that’s that. I am not an option, I will never be an option that can be picked up and put back when suits, so he could have his space to get himself sorted and deal with the breakup but I sure as hell wouldn’t be waiting around for him.
Why aren’t you placing more value on yourself? Why are you okay with being an option?

To be honest though - that’s such a line anyway. It reeks of bullshit to me.

PicsInRed · 04/07/2019 20:49

He wants you to be available, not too demanding, throw him a bit of "just friends" sex and generally not demand too much of him whilst you fall over yourself trying to prove you're worthy of his love.

A good one would have just broken up with you and kept that "no one measures up to the ex wife" bullshit narrative to himself.

Back slowly away.

KurriKawari · 04/07/2019 20:56

You can't make someone be with you.
Also you deserve better.

OhioOhioOhio · 04/07/2019 20:57

And by being with him you might miss out on someone lovely.

Sunsetsandcloudyskies · 04/07/2019 21:01

How long ago did they split up? It’s hard to move on from a breakdown of a marriage and people jump into relationships thinking it’s what they want but realize 3 months later that they weren’t ready and weren’t healed enough to get emotionally attached to someone else. They say if it’s last 5-6 months then it’s not a rebound as the hard stuff is sorted and real feelings have happened by then. You’ve prob had a great few months tho as that’s always exciting getting to know someone but you can’t really then just be friends. It drags any heartbreak out and he will just turn to you when he wants “company” so as long as you don’t let yourself be used by this man then you could maybe stay friends on social media but not actual friends then maybe when he’s ready to move on (if you haven’t already) you could meet for a catch coffee but he would have to be really worth it, like an amazing lovely person generally

MaeveDidIt · 04/07/2019 21:08

No let him go OP.
You can't make someone love you or hope they will in time - it's sole destroying.
Don't waste your time hoping - as someone else said, you might miss out on someone lovely.
Cut all ties.

Belenus · 04/07/2019 21:37

I'd cut ties. It's difficult, but not as difficult as getting really attached to someone who isn't that bothered by you. Sorry OP.

lifegoes · 04/07/2019 21:40

It's hard I know, but trying to move on is the best way for you.

MarcMyWords · 04/07/2019 21:52

It's entirely possible he's started seeing someone else and while not wanting to two-time, he's too afraid to tell you that's what's going on.

Ohyesiam · 04/07/2019 21:57

This happened to me ( id already fallen for him) I told him friendship wasn’t on offer, because I knew what I wanted from him.
He came running back and we were together 3 years.

Pinkgin22 · 04/07/2019 22:09

Tell him you can’t be friends with him as you wanted more. Then go no contact. Don’t block him but don’t talk to him either. Move on with your life, if he does come back, he has to prove to you you’re what he really wants. Not the other way around.
I know this is hard, as instinctively you want to keep the communication lines open, but the only way for him to know if he misses you is for you to not be around anymore. Otherwise you’ll always just be a safety net to him & nothing more.
In addition to this if you concentrate on moving on you may realise he’s not what you wanted & find someone better.

rejected15 · 05/07/2019 06:45

This happened to me two years ago . No ex involved but didn't want a distance relationship as he was temporarily leaving the area we both lived in. We stayed friends on social media but after I realized I was the only one initiating although he would always respond, I stopped and guess what , we haven't spoken since then . It's been two months now and it's getting easier although I am kicking myself for looking so desperate.
All I am saying if he really wants you , he knows how and where to find you. Don't drag it out like me . It will get easier. Try going say a week without reaching out to him and before you know it, those weeks will turn into months .

CodenameVillanelle · 05/07/2019 06:54

If that were me I would stop texting or seeing him and wish him well in life. I wouldn't waste my time and emotional energy being 'friends' with someone I wasn't friends with before we dated, and with whom i wanted more than friendship.

ShatnersWig · 05/07/2019 07:53

He's told you he doesn't more than friendship. You either accept that WITHOUT any expectation of anything more or you say "sorry, I don't want to be just friends, wish you well" and cut contact. However, as you clearly like him, the first option doesn't seem realistic!

hellsbellsmelons · 05/07/2019 09:41

Easy.
'No thanks. I already have plenty of friends and I don't need anymore and I don't need to have my head fucked with. Have a nice life. Bye!!!'
Job done!

Original poster
MonicaBee · 06/07/2019 12:26

I wish I was that strong. I just really like him, and with his mental health he can be very up and down. I’m just hoping he realises he misses me

OP posts:
RRJR · 06/07/2019 12:27

He might realise he misses you but please don’t live in hope. It probably won’t happen

That is no reflection of you. At least he’s been open and honest instead of stringing you along. You deserve somebody who is 100% all in and if you hang around hoping this guy will change his mind, you’ll miss out on that person.

category12 · 06/07/2019 12:34

Oh dear. "I really want someone who doesn't want me and he's got mental health problems that make him erratic and push me away! What can I do to make him want me?!"

You need to think about why you're attracted to someone who's emotionally harmful for you and unavailable. Therapy. For you.

AgentJohnson · 06/07/2019 13:04

I’m just hoping he realises he misses me

i.e ‘I’ll be an easy target for my emotions to be messed around with’.

Never prioritise someone who sees you as an option. Given your thinking, you need to ‘thank you, next!’ this guy now.

ProteinshakesandAntonsAss · 06/07/2019 13:06

He probably will miss you. Reel you back in and then dump you.

He doesnt want you. But he wants to know he can have you, as and when he wants you back. Then do this all over again.

You handle this by leaving him alone and not being his friend.

AFistfulofDolores1 · 06/07/2019 19:02

Oh dear. So you're backing off, leaving the door open, and treating him gently because he has mental health issues?

OP. Where are you in all of this? What do you want for yourself? Where are your needs?

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