Narcissist’s criticisms – can someone validate/explain

[BrightNewLife]

I’m in a relationship with a covert narcissist and I am slowly planning my exit strategy. Internally I am strong but surprise surprise, he probably can feel it, as the 'little digs ' aka constant little weird criticisms have increased.

He says things I know are not ok (or just remains silent, which equates to disapproval). I know they are not ok because of the way they make me feel, but if I was to protest they would get thrown back at me. Please can someone validate what he is doing and explain back to me why it isn’t ok. I sometimes can’t work out exactly why I feel so bad.

EG

– I get dressed up to go to an important graduation event (I have finished studying for a year); I know I look nice in a designer dress, he literally says nothing as I leave.

• (Sometimes if I have pointed out that women like to be complimented when they've made an effort he'll say 'But that dress is not my style, I don't like it, so if I said I did, I would be lying. Do you want me to do that?" I literally don't know what to say back to that (apart from you're a dick :-)

• I often wear charity shop finds (sometimes new), and as I put on a brand new dress this morning he says, ‘Isn’t it weird to wear someone else’s clothes? I would wonder where they’d been - brrr (mock shiver of horror). In a roundabout way he’s saying what I’m doing is disgusting, right?

• My lovely daughter (who I have a great relationship with, and is highly independent) is travelling a lot this summer, staying with relatives in France. He likened it to the fact I left my childhood home early on, as my parents had handled a childhood abuse episode pretty badly, and so I ventured into the world pretty early on. In a roundabout way, he’s suggesting my daughter is ‘fleeing’ me because I am horrible and abusive, like my parents were, right? His words were ‘Isn’t it funny how she’s doing what you were doing, right?”

• My son was sick last night and needed to be off school today (school policy). His first comment (sarcastic) was ‘Does he need to go to the emergency room then?”

These little digs are constant – and exhausting - but if I called him out he’d say I was misinterpreting everything as ‘negative’. I just need SOMEONE to validate it for me. Is it gaslighting? or just criticising? He brings in old irrelevant things from the past and twists them into his take on things.

What are you asking here? You've already decided to leave and have taken steps to, great. Who gives a shit what weird crap comes out of his mouth?! Shut the door mentally, he is no longer relevant.

Gaslighting, stonewalling, negging etc etc.

He's highly, highly emotionally abusive and controlling. He will be a nightmare to leave - you will need to do it suddenly, definitively and with zero warning and then block him.

He's a total shit. Flush him quickly or he'll stink out your house.
💩

Nasty man. .
He puts you down to feel good himself...
Charity dress, I think it is exciting to get a bargain, that is a brand new unworn dress...
A&E. No I checked his leg is still attached.
Tell him you don't like his shirt, but you have better manners.
Your DD. Oh I set her free so she can fly, her return ticket is booked

He sounds horrible. You feel bad about these things because they are designed to be hurtful and personal. It's good that you've decided to leave. Get those ducks in a row.

Lol, thanks - you made me laugh: it is weird shit!

I still have a few months before I can get out so its quite hard putting up my internal walls all the time.

I kind of need an outside perspective to say yes, 'that's an implied / direct criticism', so I don't feel I'm overreacting to everything.

Pretend you're David Attenborough, watching one in the wild. Have a running narrative in your head as he checks off the narcissist bingo. Make a science project of it. Observe him like a biologist psychiatrist and maybe you can keep some emotional distance from it.

You don't need a reason to leave him. The fact that he doesn't make you feel good or can't say a nice word about you or the way you look is enough.

If it had been me & what he said about either of the 2 dresses I would have just said..."but I'm not asking you to wear them..." and left it like that. But for me it wouldnt have got that far as I would have left ages ago.

You need to tackle the possibility of pregnancy head on, though. These guys can try to make pregnancy happen when they think their grip is loosening. You do NOT want an accidental pregnancy with one of these. What's you plan, there? I imagine he won't respond well to "no".

You don't need anyone else to validate your feelings OP. If the way he talks to you makes you feel bad about yourself then that's all the justification you need to leave. You don't need labels for his personality or behaviour.

He is a horrible man who might improve with shooting, but I doubt it.

I’m wondering why your exit strategy has to be slow? The David Attenborough thing might keep me going for a day but that would be it.

I would deliberately 'misunderstand' his nasty comments, eg. Regarding daughter, Isn't it funny she's doing what you did, I'd reply yes, she's so much like me, strong and independent.
Regarding charity clothes, 'we all have to do our bit to save the planet, and it's for such a fab charity too'.
Regarding son, 'well I was worried yesterday and was considering visiting the doctor, but he seems so much better today. What a relief!
Don't allow his digs to hurt and never show him that you see them as digs. It'll drive him mad.

Apologies, I didn't give the full picture - I'm in my 40s with 3 kids (not his), and our finances (have been, but no longer) entangled, hence the slow process.

The graduating is in my later life as I have changed career so I am no longer financially controlled.

It's just the last hurdle - being financially independent and able to pay the rent, solo, on a 3 bedroom house - for all those who say they would have left yesterday!

I would leave tomorrow but it would cause a financial car crash/leave me homeless, so I am exiting slowly, with the help of a local outreach.

I know all the things you have said; its good to be reminded of the 'observe' strategy but sometimes its hard being so clinical as these things are actually hurtful and I want to scream.

Google ‘gray rock’ for some interesting thoughts on leaving a relationship with a narcissistic personality.

Scream here. Mumsnet's here 24/7.
Right here with you.

And he won’t leave? I hope you are safe OP.

Yes he's very clever because it's super subtle but it will gradually ramp up. The key thing is not to analyse what comes out of their mouth. He's subtlety trying to change your world view and self identity. Best get him out before the rot sets in.

Thanks all xx

I did do grey rock and I'm pretty good at keeping up a happy shiny facade but it backfired quite dangerously because I did it so well he knew something was up. I have to 'pretend' to ask him for advice on something so he doesn't think I'm too chirpy and independent.

Internally it is my normal tactic though; I usually listen to a podcast or think through what just happened in my head, and I have got very good at recalibrating and get back to normal.

It is true that they seem to have a weird internal sensor when we pull away in the slightest, that they pile on the 'discard' tactics. I got 'told off' the other day for working at the kitchen table instead of my desk and he literally screamed that I wasn't doing what I was 'supposed to do'.

It would be funny if it wasn't so nightmarish.

For anyone else in this situation I have found ticking off the T-A-V-E cycle (Threat - Abuse - Victim - Euphoria) really helpful, as in "oh here come the insults" and "oh, here comes victim mode", just to keep some distance.

The last few days though, seemingly EVERYTHING he said was a weird backhanded insult, and it makes me feel I'm going mad.

"I know you don't like to keep the house tidy but..." and "don't worry about my birthday, buy me a gift when you can afford it..." ... relentless.

Sorry for the rambling rant.

Hi OP, how are you doing?

I'm a charity shop/second hand devotee. When my ex was still here & we were starting to furnish the flat I bought a bed on ebay - gorgeous Art Deco one for £11.50. Ex rang me when he went to collect it & said the seller just told him that his mother had died in it & what should he do? I said is the corpse still in it? He said no. I said then bring it here then. I sleep beautifully in it, all the better now ex isn't in it too lol.
Be proud of your charity shop buys

WHY do they do this?? Why

OP its definitely him and not you. Best advice is to go grey rock but narc bingo can be pretty funny and help you see how predictable this dickheads are.

If I could go back, I would have done what us said in this video to my ex (non violent) narc. I wouldnt suggest doing it if you think he is capable of violence but I so wish I had more fun using the same tactics he used on me right back on him. Either way, this video makes me chuckle more than it should

Good luck OP and mentally count down your days until freedom to help you through

Sounds like my Dp I hope you get to leave soon.

Echoing others with recommending Grey Rocking him.

Or you could have some fun and watch him squirm by displaying a detatched contempt and saying annoying one liners like:

1. 'Cool story, bro'.
2. 'Whatever floats your boat'.
3. 'If that's what you need to tell yourself, go ahead'.
4. 'So predictable' (while shaking your head).
5. 'Sure. Ok. Sure. Ok. I agree' (Said in a totally 'I don't give a shit' way. Repeat ad nauseaum if they try to start a fight by telling you your 'faults'. Also second comment is great if they get ansty as well).
6. 'Ok sure. You're the best, I'm the worst' (again, delivered in a way that makes it obvious you're just saying it to say it).
7. 'Wow. Must suck to be you.'
8. 'You've lived such a hard life' (with a little sarcasm).

All these lines must be delivered in a way that makes it obvious that you just want them to shut up and you've got better things to do with your time.

Best delivered whilst you're in the middle of something and not focused on them, it adds to their angst of not being the centre of everything.

You might go around in circles for a bit but it's lovely seeing them scramble mentally for cutting things to say and deeply satisfying knowing that you'll just pull out one of these from your arsenal and they won't get the reaction they want.

But don't do this if you are still affected by them emotionally. It can be dangerous if you think you will still somehow get dragged in to arguing and defending yourself. Then you will lose.

Don't do this if you think there is a chance that they will become physically violent.

This is only to be used when you are totally, completely and absolutely emotionally disengaged, and committed to turning the tables and watching them squirm, and you are 100% sure they will not become violent.

Have fun.

I swear my post had paragraphs.