Can it work

[IcouldbutIwont]

So my DSIS has asked me to write this she doesn't use MN but would love a bigger audience then family & friends.

Her dilemma is, a few months ago her H assaulted her, the police were called and he has been convicted. They are currently separated.

Her H is asking for her to give him another chance, he has admitted his mistake, constantly tells her how sorry he is, had counselling to help with his issues.

So whilst we all know as she also does that everyone says don't go back to someone who has been violent because it will happen again, but she wants to hear of any success stories, have any of you or anyone you know been able to get back with someone who has been violent and never done it again and had a good relationship again for a long period of time.

I have questions ...... was that the first and only time he’d ever assaulted her? Are there children involved ?

A few months counselling and he's a new man? Really?

I think looking for success stories after an assult so bad that they managed to get a conviction is like looking for a unicorn I'm afraid.

I doubt there are any success stories, OP. Why is she even considering taking him back?

Yes there are children involved.

Yes he has been violent in the past many years ago.

I don't think she believes he's a changed man yet but certainly trying to be one.

She loves him is the reason for wanting to try again and because she hopes he will change and obviously he is telling her he has.

Sadly, if loving him was enough he wouldn't have been violent in the first place. The people she needs to love the most are herself and her children, and not touch her ex with a barge pole. She'll get over loving him. Her children might never get over being brought back into a violent home after escaping.

I agree Zelda but as well as loving him I think she is frightened of being on her own, she has been with her H for most of her adult life.

Also something which I personally find hard to understand is she feels bad for upsetting him if she tells him there is no chance of a reconciliation.

why would she do it when there are children involved? Surely any risk is too much of a risk. She needs to put them first imo.

and then go and get some serious counselling!

I agree with AnnaNimmity - she sounds like she needs counselling so she can walk away without feeling any guilt. Because she shouldn't. She's done the hardest bit, and he's been convicted so that's pretty serious strength she's got right there. I know it's not that simple though, and I hope she gets the help she needs.

He won't have been a perfect partner who just once off the cuff assaulted her, will he? He will have been abusive in other ways also, culminating now in physical abuse to top it all off. So no....a few months counselling won't have changed him.

He's trying to hoover her back in and the guilt she feels is part of the fog (or fear, obligation and guilt) that an abusive relationship clouds your mind with.

Please encourage your sister not to take him back and not to search for success stories that aren't there (and even if they were they would be extremely rare and down to an awful lot more than a few months counselling).

I think she just wanted to hear of a few relationships surviving an assault like hers because deep down she knows she shouldn't take him back but yet there is a very good chance she will, no matter how many times family/friends tell her it's a bad idea, so to hear of such relationships would help justify taking him back in her mind

I can think of no relationships that have recovered from this. I can think of countless that have resulted in the death of the woman concerned.

She will be stronger without him than with him. If she takes him back she's just saying 'That's fine, you can do that again.' The domestic violence /death statistics really should be something she looks into 🙁.

If she's prepared to risk it happening again - odds are it will- then that's one thing. But she's also making a decision for her children who are vulnerable and dependent on her.

If she takes him back he devalues her further for her stupidity (they never feel grateful for forgiveness) and beats her even worse or even kills her. That's how this goes.

There's no future in this. And, yes, he will beat the next one too.

This is so depressing.
Of course there are no happy stories of reconciliation, because it doesn’t happen. And of course she’ll be showing her kids that this is how relationships should be. What a mess.