Anyone ever feel like an empty grow bag and want to get on a plane and start a new life alone?

[Tezharr]

I'm a mother of five. Eldest 32 and youngest 16. And married. I'm 50 this year. And I beginning to think what was the point?

I gave my body and my life to bringing up my kids like it was the only job in the world to complete that meant anything. During those 32 years of motherhood which I started at the tender age of 15 I really believed that I wanted to put my broken family back on the map. And I have done so. My kids are generally good people and all successful in what they do. And they are all very close and have family values. So I think I did what I said I was going to do.

But the problem is at what cost? I have never really experienced anything for myself. I have always been looked after by my hubby financially and emotionally. (Been together for 13 years and none of my kids are his). I want for nothing.

I have spent many of my years suffering from depression and anxiety due to my own upbringing and terrible partner choices. And now I feel like getting on a plane and leaving everybody behind and being just ME. (Which I'm not even confident enough to do which is frustrating)

I feel like all my kids are so independent and doing well in there lives which is great. And that I am an empty grow bag with no nutrients left to grow myself. Or to deal with them if they need me. In fact it feels like I am the housekeeper to my husband and three remaining kids at home. And I hate it. And the dust is beginning to gather. Both emotionally and literally.

I never had a career. I have never really done anything personal to me that I can be proud of. And I just know that when I'm really old that I will look back at life with lots of regret and sadness. I already do at 50!

I feel like the punchline to my families joke. Forgotten. Disrespected. Unimportant. Forget-able. And pointless. And so drowned by my life that I cannot swim to shore. Nor do I want to. They are all so much more capable than me and that's great. But it feels like the little old Nanna in the corner who is losing her mind.

So for me, bringing up kids is not all its cracked up to be. And I have no confidence or energy or willing or any idea on how to change it.

Does anybody else feel similar?

HI Tezharr, I think this is a painful but necessary stage to go through. It's like a klaxon going off to tell you to pay attention. You absolutely still have time to do things with your life - in 20 years, you'll look back and be astonished that you thought it was game over back when you were still so young and had so much opportunity.

The task in front of you is now to work out who you are and what you want from the rest of your life. This is not going to be easy or immediate - I don't know if you have any chance of talking to a life coach or counsellor or someone along those lines. You need to play with ideas, and experiment with different options. Some won't be for you, but don't be discouraged, that's one step closer to finding out what is for you.

Oh, and get your physical health checked out - menopause, hormonal balances, thyroid etc can all make you feel lousy and there are things that can improve them (being vague here due to ignorance).

Have you ever been treated for the depression? CBT or meds?

I agree with @bibliomania you need to focus on you.

Write a list of what you want to do with your life. Maybe volunteer in a charity shop or at a hospice.

You have shown you are a good mother having brought up your children. Of course kids break away that is just normal practice.

Look into gentle exercise classes you can attend. Do things for you 💐

Do you fancy uni? you could do an access course or a foundation degree (you can get a Student Loan up to the age of sixty) and take it from there.

I'm a few years older than you and did have a "career" before leaving to be a SAHM for my 4 and 2 nieces. My youngest is also sixteen and I too feel a bit adrift, with the added pressure of money worries for the future (not much pension). I don't really fancy volunteering in a charity shop, becoming a childminder or any of the other ideas people have had for me. I'd go back to uni but have a degree so can't get a fee loan. I feel pretty redundant too and also having a bad menopause (it has exacerbated a balance condition I already had but could manage) and not muck luck with job interviews. It is a big change to feel un needed, but we should be proud we brought up decent human beings.

I suppose the thing is to start small, just try something out and if it doesn't gladen your heart, then ditch it. I do enjoy being able to read in peace , to savour my breakfast coffee and just enjoy quiet, a walk in the countryside without one or more little children whinging/needing attention. I'm never bored but I do understand that empty feeling and wanting to start all over again. I just think it is a transition period andI'll find my place in life again (I hope).

Yes.
Empty nest syndrome
I know you still looking after adults 'kids' but it's not the same

For me 50 was second puberty as menopause hits

But 5 years on and I've never been happier.
CBT was brilliant.
It was and still can be hard but worth it.

Working in a charity shop? Oh no! I don’t think that would make be glad to be alive.

Perhaps pursue something artistic? That might spark an inner passion for something. I fancy pottery or something similar. My friend had a kiln and made melted glass artwork, she made it sound easy!

Hey lovely. Of course you feel the way you do after spending all your life as a mum! It's a hugely valuable role that your kids thank you for even if they don't show it.

Now that they no longer need you to the same extent, you have the opportunity to do other things. I would look at your local courses and see what interests you. Pick one and give it a go. You'll be amazed how much confidence and enjoyment you'll get from it and it will kickstart your new life. You don't know the amount of skills you have developed by being a mum of 5 and they are all transferable to jobs.

Do stuff for you as well, gym, hobbies etc. Whatever makes you happy and enhances your life.

I really hope your children don't take the piss out of you OP - that is unacceptable. Tell them to just bloody stop it and have some respect.

Because she is a caring person therefore a great mother, my friend at 52 started an Operating Department Practitioner course at uni - two years, some studying but mostly practical placements. Funded by NHS. She is now flying, rewarded by caring for her patients and working in a team. Best thing she ever did. You have plenty of time, don't footle around with volunteering and life drawing, get a career.

Clearly the posters saying oh charity shop/volunteering are rubbish ways of starting out - have you not thought the op may not be the most confident of people at this time !!!

@Tezharr Can you start by doing something for yourself that will build your confidence? For example, some kind of physical exercise like running or yoga? My ex left quite a few years ago and one of the best things I did for myself then was to start running again. Every time I felt down, I took myself off for a run and gradually from there, I started to build myself up again from the broken person I was. I had kinda lost myself in my 10-year marriage and the person I am now is SO different from the person I was when my ex left and I LOVE my life and the person I am now.

I have always done yoga on and off but started dating this guy who really got me into it earlier this year. Things with him did not last but yoga did. I just joined up for a year's unlimited classes to my local yoga house. I am doing yoga 3-4 times a week as my DCs are older now and I can leave them for an hour or so. I have never felt fitter or better mentally. And I hope the message it sends to my DCs is that their mum has outside interests and it's not all about them all the time as well. I have also made friends in yoga that I would not have done outside of that and it's been great. Even took myself off to a surf/yoga hostel last month and I was initially horrified at the thought of my hostelling in my 40s but it was the most brilliant thing I did. I made a whole lot of new friends and it did not matter they were in their 20s or 30s. It's never too late, OP!

Hi all, thank you so much for your replies. It really helps to know I am not alone. To hear how some of you have/do experience the same/similar.

I am on meds for anxiety. And like the ideas that some of you have come up with. I do have a gym membership and know that I will feel so much better if I actually attended the gym, both physically and mentally. But its kicking myself up the backside that is the problem. This is now my 4th day without leaving the house and the most I've done is watch films. I really do need to act now and start to make small changes.

I like the idea of doing some kind of course like pottery as one of you mentioned. And I am actually registered to volunteer for futures in mind which I did do a bit of last year. I think I need to look into that again and just generally get moving.

I think the op that posted about menopause and empty nest syndrome are probably right. I think the two have arrived at the same time.

Thank you all for your replies. I've been understood on here more than I could possibly be anywhere else right now. So thank you thank you thank you xxx

Honestly, I think one thing you ought to consider taking up is writing!! You have expressed yourself so beautifully here, and I really felt the impact of your words and how you have described your situation.

I just wanted to say that because my initial reaction was "That lady should write!"

Sunfull, I had the same thought. OP, you have a way with metaphors!

OP can one of your older DC or your DP become your ‘champion’ for encouraging you in finding your way through?

(Sorry I didn’t pick up the tone of your original post- I’m a bit insensitive to say the least)

I could've written your post, especially the bit about feeling like a housekeeper.

Think I'll join you on that plane!

My oh booked today off a few weeks back and said we'd do something together as he's so busy with work that I don't see much of him, but yesterday he booked himself onto a fun activity that I'm not able to join, so although I had cleared my day for him, I'm now stuck at home waiting for a delivery he ordered.

I'm a sahm, but I feel so disrespected as they don't even clear up after themselves, despite me constantly asking them to.

I'm not sure what the solution is, and although I love them, if I were too win millions and become independently wealthy, I think I'd rather nice next door. That way I can live my way (a place for everything and everything in its place) and they can live in a hovel.

to live

You sound like you've done an amazing job, and I can relate to not leaving the house or planning to do things but never actually getting round to it.

I don't know the answer, but you'll get plenty on here

Ok op. Here is what i would do. Get a pen and paper. Look at the classes at ths gym and pick the ones you fancy and write them in your schedule and book them. You don't have to think about that anymore, just go to them. Then write a list of what kind of stuff interests you - look ar the websites of local colleges. Then if any catch your eye, book one. Also, set up a WhatsApp group with your friends and suggest some outings - day trips on the train to another city for example or picnics in the park or cinema etc and book some things in.