Split up 2 weeks ago and he's already seeing someone else

[Itsreallyallovernow]

My long term relationship ended last month. Mainly his decision. He is now seeing someone else.

When we got together he loved the fact I was intelligent, held professional qualifications, had a career and earned a decent salary. He also always made a big thing about how important it was that we kept fit and healthy, watched our weight etc. While we were together I gained a lot of weight. I then lost it all and more and currently weigh less than I have for 20 years. I'm also fairly fit, gym x3 per week and parkrun at weekends.

When we split up he said that in some ways he found me more attractive when I was fatter.

He is now seeing someone in a fairly basic low salary job reuiring no formal qualifications who is quite a bit bigger than me (Id say 3-4 stone overweight) and to be brutally honest not as attractive.

And I'm hurt.

Do I want him back? Not how he was at the end when everything was my fault and he shifted goalposts all the time so I was constantly wrongfooted. No I don't want that. But he wasn't always like that. It just hurts that all the things he apparently valued in me he doesn't really care about, just bullshit.

I've no interest in dating myself, can't imagine anything worse. I think most men are full of bs and I'm too old to deal with all that fuckwittery now. So I can't even tell myself oh I'll meet someone else better, blah blah.

It just feels like this hurt at a low level (not the immediate pain I felt when we broke up, this is like q persistent toothache, in the background but still there) goes on and on. What do I do? Just give it more time?

It will hurt but in a couple of weeks you'll look back and wonder what on earth you were doing wasting time energy and emotions on an absolute twat bag. He's gone. Put his things in a box and tell him to come and collect them from the doorstep. Take care of yourself and dont worry about who he is with. Just be grateful its not you anymore.

He really sounds like no loss and men I find are capable of moving on very quickly. Good luck.

It's nothing to do with fat or thin it's just someone new that's all. Brain chemicals and all that jazz. No point analysing it, that's the path to madness. 2 weeks is nothing. You will feel awful, just know it's normal, be kind to yourself, kind self talk, support from friends and family, get out in nature if you can, write down ruminations to get them out of your head. Focus on you. It does get better in time.

You’re grieving for a version of him. This is who he is and always was, his twattery is just more transparent.

I get that you’re hurt but there’s something quite unpleasant about the way you talk about his new woman. Just because she’s heavier, less formally educated than you etc doesn’t make her ‘less than’.

The sad truth is, your Ex was and is no prize and him leaving was the probably the best thing (unintentionally) that he has done for you. You settled and you are for some part, angry that he wasn’t prepared to make the same sacrifice.

Grieve and take the time to appreciate that you weren’t robbed of a futures with someone who wanted the same as you but rather, spared the tedium of being with a man who didn’t.

I’m sorry you are upset, but you are “better” than her because you are thinner and prettier?? Is that how you judge the value of other women?

Can there not be a pile on about the OP's actually very measured thoughts around the new woman, when she's clearly shocked and reeling, simply looking for a safe place to be heard?

It's just the pain talking when she's saying that. Been there. I said the same, I was just really shocked. In the end I felt sorry for the woman he left for.

He's gone for someone who will feel lucky to have him.

She'll be one of many that he uses to have casual sex with.

He's not worth being sad over.

Piggle Agreed, and I think most of us have had these thoughts on seeing an ex with someone new when we are still raw. Looking at the new gf and thinking 'But she's got no boobs/great big saggy boobs', 'She's so skinny/fat', 'She's as thick as mince/too clever for her own good'.
It's not reasonable thinking, it's just your mind trying to process the fact that he's moved on and you haven't. Yes, these are unpleasant thoughts to have but they are never logical because they are borne of hurt.

He said he might come back and propose and not to worry because he will be having safe sex?

This is abhorrent. He's leaving you but hoping you'll wait around until he's had his fill of shagging around.

Condoms don't protect you from everything e.g. HPV. But you don't need to worry about that because you won't be taking him back will you?!

What SandyY2K said. It's a reflection of his feelings of inadequacy. My husband had a month long liaison on a similar basis. It's very hard to understand but its not about you. As for keeping himself 'clean' in case he wants to come back - wtaf? Unless you have got kids together block him completely and move on with your life - you can do better (and he knows it which is why he is trying to string you along).

I already made it clear to him in the break up convo that if he had sex with anyone else even if we were 'on a break ' then as far as I was concerned we were done. So he knows we are done and I do too.

It really fucking hurts though. I am so angry that he's thrown away our futures with barely a second thought. Since we split up a few friends have said that they found him controlling, difficult and that he had a chip on his shoulder/ played the victim. I've not slagged him off to my friends because I don't want to be the person who encourages all her friends to chat shit about her ex and then gets back with him and it's all super awkward.

I know rationally that this was for the best. That the person he became was not the one I loved. But we went through a lot while we were together, I supported him through a cancer diagnosis (he should get his formal all clear next year), bereavement, court, multiple house moves. I thought sticking by him through all that counted for something.

It doesn't help that I dream about him most nights, and of course in the dreams everything has worked out, he wants me back and is like he was before, and it's all lovely. Except it's not real.

I get the dreaming thing too, it's awful. It's all such a mess and really really hurts. Like you I supported him through a lot and still get nothing while he gets to swan off in a new relationship.

Be kind to yourself, it's like going through the grieving process. I am finding that having a moan to my friends makes me feel slightly better, when I'm left to my own devices I just slip back into thinking about what he is doing and if he is with her and it's awful. I'm not going to tell you it's fine because if you're like me it's really not and it will take a long time to get over but I am working through it, hopefully you will too :)

I also have no chance of being with him again, he's made that clear, which is painful too as I want nothing more than to be with him but I know it wouldn't work in the long run.

Ah its horrible isn't it.

My friends all expect me to be over it by now. I have to pretend it's all fine at work too, and at home as I don't want my kids seeing me upset. Which is all a bit of a strain.

And every time I get a text or email I still hope it's him.

Plus I've lost my cinema buddy. We would go regularly every month or so.

And he always helps me with tech queries and of course now our Wi-Fi is completely fucked and without him I can't resolve it. It's just one thing after another.

Meanwhile he's off on his own not giving a shit about us having a high old time with this woman or probably he's moved onto another by now. Ugh.

I get you, he spent every weekend at mine and helped me out no end with my hobby and supported me and hes now gone. Probably spending tonight with her instead.
It's so awful and I hate what he's done to me, I thought we were happy but he has been so horrible and made so many excuses that are actually easy to fix but he just didn't want to put the effort in to fix it.
I'm absolutely devastated that he has just cut me off completely like that. Utterly heartbroken.
We did everything together, it's so weird that he's not here. I miss him so so much, which I know is stupid because of how horrible he was and what he's done. My head can't make sense of it at all.

I'm so sorry you're going through this too.

I was doing ok til I found out about this woman. I guess because I could kid myself he was missing me and feeling sad like I was and now I know he's not. I miss my best friend. I never expected this would happen.

I feel exactly the same as you do, its shit isn't it. I know he's not missing me at all, we would speak all day and now he has this new woman to talk to and spend time with. The only difference is he actually cheated on me with her, what kind of foundation is that to start a relationship on! Keep ranting on here if you want, I'll listen :)

Have been distracting myself with Love Island (which he hated) and trying to remember all the negative stuff rather than the good times. We were best friends but in the last few months there were many times where I wasn't entirely happy. On balance I still was and wanted to work through it and thought he did too (we were starting relationship counselling) but ultimately he couldn't be bothered, I was too difficult, he felt threatened by my weight loss. We could have worked it out but he didn't want to. I know he will regret it.

I'm deciding what to do with his stuff. I think I'll contact him in a couple of weeks (once I feel on more of an even keel) but just to say collect your stuff by X date.. and chuck it away if he doesn't.

Hope you're doing ok jonsnowsghost. If not please rant away, we recent dumpees need to support each other.

I hope your feeling better today.

I was dumped 2 weeks ago and felt like shit for a few days but to be honest I feel fine now. The relationship was only a year though.