Is it normal to have several people who message you through the week for support

[UpToTheRigs]

I'm struggling with this slightly and wonder if it's usual for most people or if I somehow attract people who need TLC? I have a few people who seem to be in need of emotional support quite a lot via messenger, and sometimes I feel it is a bit of a chore. They are not close friends exactly and it doesn't feel very reciprocal. I wouldn't message them if I was struggling myself as I have a couple of close friends I would speak to.

I'm feeling guilty about this, but some days I don't want to be listening to someone else's problems, let alone someone I'm not really close with. Is this just part of life and everyone does it and just gets on with it, even if they're feeling tired or a bit low themselves? Or is it OK to draw back a bit and maybe not answer every message?

I mean this kindly but some people just latch on to anyone who is kind and sympathetic to them and it sounds like you are. It happens to me too. I kind of listen for a bit and then I either drop hints about getting counselling or I start dropping my own woes into the convo.

For example, one friend will come on messenger complaining about her neighbour so I then say "oh mines just as bad etc etc"

Oddly enough. It seems to get rid of them. Possibly because the convo isn't all about them

I seem to have had this happen through my life and it only recently occurred to me that perhaps other people don't experience the same. I want to be kind and helpful to these people but sometimes I don't have any energy left to give to them and I feel heavy hearted when I see a message from them appear. That's not a nice situation for either of us and I feel guilty, but I can't work out if it's because I've inadvertently got myself into a situation that most people would find hard, or just because I'm a rather selfish person and can't be bothered to find basic kindness for someone who could do with some help.

No, not normal. Common though, but only for people who draw needy people to them like moths to a flame due to being kind, warm, empathetic, and unwilling to assert their own needs and boundaries.

I am vulnerable to this, a lot, I have a reputation for being really caring and non judgmental and it doesn’t help that my paid and voluntary jobs both involve supporting people with their problems and listening to them in depth. So people kinda just expect it. Recently a new person messaged me on social media about music we’re both into and we had a bit of a chat and said bye, literally the only time I’ve ever spoken to them. There was a slight bit of ‘so what do you do? oh cool, we have the same hobby’ that kinda thing. Four weeks later they message me ‘my girlfriend says she’s gonna kill herself and I can’t handle it’. They’re not even a friend. I asked if they’d gone to anyone else with this and they said no, they couldn’t speak to anyone else. Red flags waving all around obviously about their judgment given they would choose a random internet acquaintance over an actual friend or relative or professional. On that occasion I did provide help and support the best I could, and signposted to people who could help, as I had the time and energy, but then after it ended vowed I wouldn’t open another message from them again, and I haven’t.

The only solution is to stop. If you fancy a low conflict route just phase out your replies, take days to get back to them and then reply with a ‘oops, I was busy didn’t check messages. Hope it’s sorted/you’re better now’. Make it unappealing for them to keep coming to you and they’ll stop.

Or if you just want a swift end to this, block them. They use the internet, they know how to google search for mental health support.

Personally I spent 40 hours per week listening to people’s problems and get paid good money to do so, I’m not being a free therapist in my spare time. My close friends, different story, I’ll go to the ends of the earth for them and it’s reciprocal. But some people are users and it’s not your job to be passively used like a sponge.

People seem to latch onto me a lot, I've got no idea why as I generally have a heart of stone and struggle with sympathy especially when it's a self inflicted problem. But when I ask them why out of all the nice sympathetic people they know they choose me, they say I'm easy to talk to and seem to know what to do.

Even sitting on a bus someone who's sat next to me will start telling me their woes.

I either take ages to answer or say oh well sure it will all work out in the end and change the subject or failing that I drone on about my own problems.

Obviously this doesn't apply to my few good friends who I'd always have time for and try my best to help.

It's really awkward. I do think these people are genuine and worthy of my time and do sincerely need support. But I don't know if the support i can offer would make a meaningful difference. Also if i drew back now I've become involved i feel like that could be a hurtful rejection?

I have a couple of people like this. If it’s getting too intense I tend to start leaving it a bit longer between replying and then replying things the following day or whatever like “Sorry love, mad week here! Sounds rubbish, did you get it sorted?” or other generic type reply. Then when the reply comes back, leave it another day etc.

You might also want to think about doing some work on your boundaries. I struggle with the same stuff by the way so I’m not preaching at you!

I get similar with people. I love to help people and I'm good at it. But I do find it overwhelming at times.

I try and pull back or just explain that I'm having a hard time and I'm not available.

Even sitting on a bus someone who's sat next to me will start telling me their woes.

God I hate this. I get that people are lonely and have issues, so do I. But they never actually stop and ask first whether you want to listen, or whether you’re kinda already overflowing with your own problems, do they? Just launch right in without any concern about whether the recipient wants to listen or is even in the right frame of mind to be able to. And the fact it’s usually on public transport I’m afraid makes me a little more wary as I don’t think it’s a coincidence that everyone knows you’re a captive audience who can’t leave for a while.

I keep earbuds in for music (and to dissuade people) and if someone starts trying to talk to me I’ll just pull one out and hear them then put it right back in. And if they try again I’ll say ‘sorry, I really need to be listening to this for work’. And if they try a third time I have no qualms saying ‘do you realise it’s rude to keep interrupting someone?’ which always stops them.

There are free, professions organisations out there who willingly give time to listen to people’s issues and promote that they do that, I volunteered for one for over a decade. It’s rude to try and extract that same care from a random person on the street without their permission.

But I don't know if the support i can offer would make a meaningful difference. Also if i drew back now I've become involved i feel like that could be a hurtful rejection?

I mean, if it’s going on for a while and nothings improving then your support isn’t really helping them get out of a bad place is it! And even so, it’s not your job or responsibility to do so.

Whether or not it’s seen as a rejection misses the point, you don’t owe them anything. You’re thinking of their own feelings an awful lot more than they are yours. I’m sure they’re not posting on MN ‘I go to my friend several times per week to complain about my problems and offload all of my emotions onto her even though she never offered to do this, should I be worried I’m overburdening her or concerned in case it’s not something she wants to do?’ :P

that's too many. and that coming from someone who has been through a difficult period and needed support. they need to spread out their support needs so as not to burden anyone and they need to reciprocate in some way. I buy a friend coffee and listen to her as well.

I have a friend / ex colleague who has been needing emotional support for one thing after another for 20 years. I used to feel sorry for her but when I sat and thought about it her life is a million times better than mine on paper and I don't ask her for support because she's continuously in crisis.

I do feel sorry for her that she is unable to be happy but I'm not a therapist or doctor and I have my own stuff to deal with.

I just started saying "I have so much going on, I can't help you".

I have three friends in this position. Sometimes I am fine with it but sometimes it's overwhelming and I find myself feeling really angry about it.

I agree that there are some people who seem to either attract or just be very good at supporting others. My mother is one - though it looks different to your version as she doesn't have a mobile phone let alone a smart one! Unfortunately as well as those she knows she is supporting and tries to keep at arms length, she has also had a number of people turn out to be "fairweather friends" who haven't been much support when she needed it.

I myself have a friend who is a brilliant help to me, both emotionally and practically, and I see that she does the same in various ways for a lot of other people. I was very glad this year to find a way I could start to pay back some of her help (reduced rate tutoring for her son).

Hats off to the supportive people, but yes do look after yourself, declare limits and draw boundaries. Don't feel guilty when you need to do this!

You can be kind and have boundaries op. Rather than start ignoring messages, text back that you are too busy/ have a lot on your plate atm.
Dometythats kinder, because people can get stuck in seeing themselves in a victim role, or can stay entrenched in problems by over focusing on them.
I’m a therapist who works with people who are traumatised and suffer ptsd, so I’m not coming from an unempathic viewpoint.
Priorities your feelings and response to them. It will change the cycle for you and for them. If you get that heart sink when you see that msg then you genuinely aren’t in the right place to listen, and it’s ok to say so.

Or really change your pattern and tell them you won’t be listening any more, but you can spend an hour helping them get some professional help. Even if they have no money there is the Samaritans.

If you do this your kind nature won’t disappear, but you energy will be more freed up.

I had a ‘friend’ like this once. I’d had a missed miscarriage, subsequent surgery and was feeling pretty devastated. He started bitching on about completely petty crap (as usual) when I returned to work a few days post surgery, I held no prisoners and told him to tell his therapist . Never spoke to me again.

Just ditch them, it’ll make your life far easier.

I used to have this! It really wore me down. I have since decided there are two categories of people:

1. People who need to talk about their problems and will tell them to the nearest available person that listens, regardless of who that person is.

1. People who seek you out specifically because of your history/knowledge/wisdom/shared friendship etc.

So - trick is to figure out who is who and save your energy for the people in the second category. Let the first category of people go. It's not worth it. They'll find someone else anyway, as you're not actually special to them further than being a willing pair of ears.

I also find I have this problem with men more than women. I wish men would get better at talking to other men about their stuff.

I think it happens because if I let myself I get caught up with people's issues, and let myself be flattered by feeling like the great heroine rescuer and solver of problems. I am also fairly open about some of my own issues and past and have a fair amount of traumatic history I'm relatively comfortable talking about and sharing, so that encourages others to do the same.

I think you need to break it down, not ‘these people’ - who are they as individuals? Do you want to keep one but not another, etc?

ohyes do you notice that some people always need support from outside themselves even if they are dealing with every day problems?

I don't get this, no, because if i did i would just ignore it or tell them to stop messaging me.

I have very strict personal boundaries. I have actual real problems within my own family and my emotional energy goes on that and that alone.

I 100% don't feel the need to be nice to everyone and the older i get the more i realise that my own mental health is stronger for it.

It's like those awful facebook messages and tshirts, if you can be anything be kind.

Ever seen a bloke wearing one? No.

I’m more than happy to listen to my closest friends and be there for them no matter what time or day. I also expect the same from them. It works.

Instead of being annoyed, why not simply disengage? Don’t reply? ESP if they’re not your closest friends?

Heh OP. Really? They just 'latched on?

Then 'latch them off'

And no, it's not normal. Not really sure what your problem is, tbh?

Have had this happen a lot to me. I just do not have the mental capacity to take other people's woes on, unless they are close friends and it is reciprocal. It became very clear when I had multiple bereavement and some related traumatic experiences, acquaintances who had been very needy, barely acknowledged it or in some cases not at all. Yet, not long after, I received their usual and completely one-sided messages, once again trying to offload their drama. Worse, a lot of it was pretty self-inflicted and they never changed any of their behaviour patterns that led to their problems anyway. I did not even have the energy to raise this with them. As it mostly was via social media, which seems to add to people becoming overfamiliar, I unfollowed them and archived their messages in my inbox without bothering to read or respond to them. Once, they realised that their PMs remained unread, it began petering out a bit, although it hasn’t completely stopped yet in some cases. I do rely on social media as part of our business, so that was the best and least stressful way to deal with this. I have cut off a former very close friend though because it was so one-sided and, in her case, I made it quite clear why because it was so relentless. By protecting your own emotional reserves, I found that close friendships remained close and I had more mental headspace for them and my own issues.