Emotional abuse

[KittKoo]

I’ve only just identified with the help of counselling that my husband is emotionally abusive. We’ve been together for 17 years. We had a conversation about it last night and he’s promised to change and get counselling to learn new coping strategies but how long do I give him before I ask him to leave?!? I feel I owe him a chance to change for his sake and so I feel I have given him a chance. Also for our two daughters aged 9 and 11(autistic) who would not understand why. I’ve told him the balls in his court - he changes or goes. But how long do I give him?

How long you give him? Before what?
He change now. If he does it again, he goes, nomatter if it is today, next week or next month.
Im in sort of the same boat, and h got a chance to fix it. But next sulking session is the last. No dead line.

Depends on what he is doing? Can you expand?

He will not change. You can only change how you react to him.

I would ask him to leave now but he may and in all likelihood refuse to leave. You will perhaps need to employ legal means to get him out of your home. He needs to be gone from your day to day lives and certainly should not remain under the same roof.

They all promise to change and seek help but this is really deeply ingrained within his pysche. Its all words and words are cheap after all. Its actions that matter and I would think that as of today he has made no efforts himself re counselling (not that it would be successful anyway and he in any case would need YEARS of therapy, not a short term domestic violence perpetrators course. Bear in mind too that even long term therapy is not successful for abusive people. He does this because he can. You cannot afford to spend another goodness knows how many more years waiting for him to have an epiphany that won't happen).

What do you want to teach your kids about relationships and what are they learning here?. Your daughters, regardless of them being on the ASD spectrum, need to be shown positive and life affirming lessons about relationships. With their father they are seeing you as their mother being emotionally abused and this will harm them immeasurably. Its not their fault nor yours that their dad and your husband has decided to conduct his own private based war against you. Such men too hate women, all of them.

Womens Aid are worth contacting here if you have not already spoken to them.

Your children are watching this man abuse you. There's numerous research showing that children in such an environment are predisposed to depression, anxiety, chronic pain, chronic fatigue and numerous autoimmune conditions. They will struggle to establish relationship boundaries in future as a direct result.

He won't change, men like this never, ever, do.

What does he do that is abusive?

I also worry that he cannot (or will not) change. Do not fall for a nice-guy act for 3 weeks, then it'll be back to business as usual. I guarantee it.

I really think you should make plans to separate. Don't let your DC grow up thinking this is an acceptable way to treat women (and for women to accept being treated, in the hope that their man will 'change').

I am going to go against the grain here.

I am a woman and I have been the abuser. Although, depending on how you look at it, depends whether I meet the criteria to have emotionally abused my partner.

My behaviour was totally unacceptable, but none of it was intentional. I let things build up and up and never talked about things rationally, the output for this would then be my poor partner, and it nearly ruined our relationship.
When I realised how bad I had been I sought help immediately and was (and still am) devastated that I became that person.

Since the day I sought help, I have not behaved in the same manner again. Occasionally I have felt the anger again, but my natural reaction is totally different now. Whether that is because my behaviour was never, not once, intentional, or because I truly saw what I had become and sought help, I don't know.

So in answer to your question- I would want to see changes immediately, I could forgive minor slip ups as long as he was aware of his behaviour when pointed out and stopped it immediately. It's a long road ahead and he will only stop if he truly realises the person he is and wants to change.