Adult daughter relationship

[didntmeanto]

My 24 year-old daughter has recently been making it clear that she feels I emotionally damaged her whilst she was growing up. I am distraught to discover this.
Her father was diagnosed with primary progressive multiple sclerosis in 2005 (she was 10) but had been made redundant 18 months previously. She was already benefiting from the small class size private education was providing so we decided the sale of the family home would continue that.
It was a very difficult situation for many reasons both historically and contemporaneously. It naturally affected me on many levels too but I felt I was putting her needs above anybody else's as best I could yet often couldn't hide my anger/frustration about the situation we found ourselves in; historically such financial change/health-affecting-stress-levels could have been avoided but the opportunity had been missed. My anger/frustration was never directed at my daughter (it was either at her father or into 'the ether') but she witnessed a lot of it just the same. I thought I'd always explained/discussed any angry outburst to/with her. She would probably agree with that but tells me it emotionally damaged her and that damage is still affecting her now. Obviously this was never my intention. I always considered crying and wailing a sign of weakness and it wouldn't have provided the impetus to get through all that needed to be done; indeed it would have been a self-indulgent luxury that the family unit couldn't afford. I don't remember being angry 24/7 and my daughter and I had numerous good and exciting times together but those don't seem to be recalled as readily.
My questions are, 1) How can I now help repair this damage? and 2) for the sake of my sanity, how can I now reconcile with myself that my choice of dealing with the way her father reacted (that is, figuratively and literally went to bed and stayed there even before diagnosis) as being the cause of her emotional damage?

I was putting her needs above anybody else's as best I could yet often couldn't hide my anger/frustration about the situation we found ourselves in
My anger/frustration was never directed at my daughter (it was either at her father or into 'the ether') but she witnessed a lot of it just the same.

Yeah, she was a child and children are self-centred. They can't help but assume that everything their parents do, is because of them. And she wasn't completely wrong, was she? She needed a smaller class size, you sold the house and became angry in order to meet that need. She's not stupid is she, she'd have known that it was her needs that were, ultimately, causing you to have tantrums and rages.

She can't go back in time, she has had her formative years affected deeply by your habitual anger. Neither of you can take it back.

I am a recovering angry mum myself so I get where you are coming from.

Have you had counselling? You may not be able to help repair the damage, beyond taking full responsibility, and being loving and accepting of the difficulties that your DD is now facing. Please don't argue with her about how she ought not to ever have taken your rages personally... as a young girl she didn't really have that option, she wasn't developmentally able at that age to not take your behaviour personally.

Wishing you the best. Counselling is really important here.

I think your mid 20s are classically a time when you question things about your childhood as you learn that not everyone has the same early experiences and as you struggle to carve out a life for yourself.
The very fact that her comments have led you to question yourself speaks volumes for the fact that you care and had good intentions. If you were an uncaring parent, you would just be angry and hurt without the other feelings.
By all means talk with her about it and be supportive to her, but I actually think she and you will likely work this out over time.

I think your daughter is being unfair, perhaps it is she who needs counselling. Perhaps you need to tell your daughter you were not perfect but 'good enough' which is all we can hope to be as we are fallible humans, you can't go back in time, she is unfair to lay all of this at your door, she has responsibility for her own happiness now and blaming it all on you is not fair.

I might be barking up completely the wrong tree here so forgive me if I am but there was something in the way you worded your post that felt distanced, almost cold. Obviously you love your daughter very much, or you wouldn’t be making these efforts, but I wonder the levels you are taking this on intellectually are the same at which you are taking it on emotionally? It sounds as if you were very affected by the period also. I think counselling would be a great start for you both to heal.

I'm sorry but she's no doubt right that it affected her. "They fuck you up, your mum and dad. They may not mean to, but they do."

Presumably you did the best you could with the emotional tools you had at the time. We don't always make the right decisions or have the right things in our toolboxes. Personally I think it's better to hold your hands up to that. It sounds like something you could both come to terms with.

How angry were these angry outbursts you’re talking about?

It’s difficult to know how bad things were from your post.

My mum had mental health difficulties when I was growing up (of course that was not her fault, I understand that) and she was sectioned several times, but she was also narcissistic and aggressive. She would deny that completely- she is dead now- but growing up was like walking on knife edged egg shells. My childhood is full of memories of her going absolutely batshit angry at me for all kinds of things - either that or crying about how shit life was and how she was annoyed she had woken up again as she had to face another day. That sort of thing.

Yep we had good days out and a few nice holidays as well, but my childhood is full of an overriding feeling of distrust and instability because I never knew what was coming next. As an adult I don’t know how to trust anyone and I don’t form attachments to anyone - I don’t have any friends for example and people scare me because I don’t understand them.

I’m not saying your dds childhood was as bad as this but I’m just sharing my own experiences because there may be some parallels.

In the last few years of mums life we fell out spectacularly when we began to talk about my childhood. One of the things she could have done to make it better is not to minimise my feelings - she refused to see things from my point of view. I think openly talking with your dd and not trying to change her mind but trying to discuss it with her may be a way forward.

How difficult
What would you have said your relationship was like a year or so ago? Before she has told you this?
Since she has been older has she openly distanced herself from you or been cold?

I do agree with PP that early 20s is a time of reflection and rationalising and making sense of our childhoods as we meet so many new people and understand what has shaped us.

It sometimes feels that parents never get it right. It is very clear that some people have had terrible abusive and difficult mothers but equally many were less than perfect but doing their best. You seem to fall in the second camp.

You are yourself angry at your DH from what you say in your last paragraph. Is he still alive? This may impact your DDs recollections of him and his input into the difficulties.

Would counselling together be an option? She may gain much from being able to see the events from the eyes of the adult who was trying to hold the house together and you from the child who didn’t really understand but was aware of the anger.

Great idea from Yawn, If you went to counselling together it would also show her your willingness to understand and resolve this and could greatly improve your future relationship.

I think the fact she is trying to talk to you about this is positive - she wants the relationship to be better/good.

You may have to accept you won’t see it in the same way and try to move forward - don’t try and tell her she is wrong etc. I agree counselling for you to talk it all through.

I don’t get on with my mum and tries to talk to her about it and got more anger back. She wouldn’t agree to counselling. Over time we stopped seeing each other so if you manage to avoid that pls do.

I've been a daughter, mother and grandmother. I remember when I was late teens leaving home and reflecting on what a terrible mother she was. In later years when I mentioned incidents that had really upset or bothered me she could scarcely remember them or she saw them differently.
When I then had similar talks with my own children I realised that while these things affect children deeply, as a mother it's just one of those things and you do struggle to remember.
I've chosen to say to my DDs that I really don't remember (certain things) and that I'm sorry if I upset them at the time. It's what I'd have liked to hear my mother say.
My children are parents themselves now and we all accept that as mothers, most of us did/do the best we can but know we got lots of things wrong.
Keep talking and listening.