Should I give it another chance?

[StarneyBinson89]

Hi,

Some background - I have been with DP for around 4 years & moved in together about a year and half ago

Firstly I want to say he is a really lovely man. He has always treated me well and has been really supportive through some horrible personal things I have been through recently.

There are a few issues in our relationship though, mainly his total lack of drive and ambition and ability to take control of his life.

I changed new career around the time we started seeing each other and have done well for myself over the last few years.

The fact that I have moved up the ladder has allowed us to save for and purchase our home (he did contribute to the purchase however his input was minimal compared to mine).

He hates his job, it's pretty dead end with no prospects and the environment is quite toxic. He comes home every night to moan about it yet makes no attempt to leave! I have offered to help and have spent evenings making a CV for him and looking for jobs. He might spent a night or two looking for something else but ultimately he gives up.

This lack of drive seeps into other areas of our life as well. I am responsible for dealing with all the bills, the cleaning and anything else that needs organised in our life!

Our sex life is also now struggling which is a very depressing as we are only in our early 30s (with no kids). I am still interested in sex but he seems less so.

I have spoken to him about these issues multiple times over the years and we recently had a serious talk about how unhappy this all makes me. He seems to have taken this onboard and is trying to be proactive in changing his ways however I'm worried it's just all too late now and over the years this has eaten away at me and changed how I feel about him.

He wants me to give it one last chance before walking away but I'm not sure if I should... he really adores me and would do anything for me and I feel that some of his issues are due to anxiety/depression that he needs to deal with.

Does anyone have any advice or has anyone been in this position? I feel terrible walking away from him as he'll be so hurt and I worry that I'd never find someone who loves me as much as he does.

Why are you with this man?. What are you getting out of this relationship now?.

You need to ask yourself if this is what you really want. Trying to build a man from the ground up is a project that you should really shy away from. Being in a relationship that has the legs for something long term because it has all of the fundamentals means that people end up being, or at least trying to be, the best that they can be because love makes them do that. We become more responsible, more open, more grounded, more trusting, more anything that nurtures the relationship. If you can’t accept him for what he is and are living off potential, you will always be miserable.

Does he really love you as much as you think he does?. He may be "hurt" if you were to walk away but you are hurting your own self by remaining within this for your own reasons.

You are driving this relationship forwards whilst he is a passenger to it. He has already been given more than enough by you in this relationship and he has not for his own reasons been at all bothered to change. This is also because he is happy as he is and does not want to change. He likes using you as his sounding board re his dead end job and you provide him a willing audience.

This is who he is, he is not your project nor fixer upper. The ‘I Can Change Him/I Can Help Him’ syndrome (aka the Florence Nightingale/Nursemaid role) seems to apply to you and occurs when a woman focuses her energies of fixing anything that she deems to be incorrect with him.

Re your comment:-
"I have offered to help and have spent evenings making a CV for him and looking for jobs"

Why did you do this at all?. He is a grown man and not a child nor teenager. Again he is not your project not fixer upper to "improve" and or change. You are both fundamentally incompatible and you are really flogging a dead horse here. You and he should not be together.

This article is also worth reading:-
www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/fixer-upper/

As you have no kids, I would leave, sorry. He won’t change and maybe this could be a wake up call for him to sort out some of his problems.

Living together should be like a trial marriage, to see whether you want to make a permanent commitment. I can't think of many things more depressing than living with a man like that. He hates his job but is too passive to do anything about it. That would drive me mad. He has absolutely no reason why he can't make changes.

Move on and find someone with a bit more energy.