DD wants to stay with dad more

[Sophilicious]

How do I deal with this? Left XH 6 years ago, oldest DD now 12. He has been messaging a few times saying she wants to live with him. She text me a couple of weeks ago saying the same thing. Took some time out with her at the weekend to talk about it and she had nothing to say. The only reason she comes up with is he needs her. He was controlling and abusive towards me and is off work with depression and anxiety or something. I told her she couldn’t spend more time there if the only reason is to look after him as he is the adult and she shouldn’t look after him. She went for regular contact overnight last night and has text me this morning saying she’s staying at his tonight. I can’t physically force her home. She already spends 6 nights out of 14 with him. I don’t want her to be there more as I don’t think it’s in her best interests. Can someone help me please?

Is there some pastoral support at school who could talk to her, or have they noticed a change?
He certainly shouldn't be putting that kind of pressure on her to care for him.

You certainly can physically force her home - she is 12! Turn up and cause a scene until she gets in the car! Or phone the police and say he is keeping her out with the pre-agreed visitation period.

My daughter is 10 and she would sail me down the river for her dad. So, I know how this feels. But the fact of the matter is that no matter the daddy/daughter bond they have, I know for 100% fact that I am the better parent/caregiver and that until she is 16 she will follow my rules and see her dad at agreed periods/wont be living with him etc (He wouldn't actually want her to live with him, God forbid he ever need to feed, clothe or pay for any of the kids )I know she just thinks the sun shines out of him because he doesn't have the rules I do. He is the fun parent whilst I'm the boring, strict one. I'll accept my role but in time she will see that the rules are for her benefit (might take another 20 years lol)

I think you need to start nipping this in the bud and make it clear that you're glad they have a strong bond, but that the standard visitation will be getting adhered to and it really isn't up for further discussion. Her dads difficulties are not your concern, and certainly shouldn't be hers. I'd reiterate that very succinctly to both of them.

Ask at school if they cover controlling relationships... This is one all be it a df /dd slant.
Your dd needs protection imo. Very vulnerable age to make such decisions for the reason she says.
Suggest she has more phone /Skype contact instead. Can you make home more appealing even in the short term? Not suggesting it isn't but my dd is easily swayed with cake making /trip to shops or a friend over to improve our relations! Or a late film night with snacks! She needs reminding she is a child not a carer.

Your potential problem here is that, at 12, if he were to push this to family court her opinion would be taken into account by CAFCASS and the judge / magistrates.

It’s possible that they’d reverse the current agreement and allow her to live more often with him. I’d try a gentler approach than the foot stamping one of the PPs has suggested as you might find it backfires.

You really need the advice of a solicitor

It's not a police matter so don't call them. Unless there is a welfare consern the police won't get involved even if he's breaking the court order.
Don't make her out to be doing and some thing wrong, she's not. She simply wants to stay longer with her father, the problem is him, he should be making it clear that you guys have an arrangement so she has to go back to you! My kids r a lot longer but I have to make them go even when they don't want to cos there's a court order, I simply tell them they need to speak to their father about their conserns.
Make sure when she comes back send him an email saying it's unexceptional just to keep her and remind him he's breaking the order. Sit her down and find out what's going on and work on things with her. Put positive things in place for the time you spend together.

My dd (younger than yours) has done this a couple of times, and I agree it’s heartbreaking. But she DOES love me - it’s just girls (some girls) and their dads - it’s almost like a Hero-worship thing - I was like it with my own. I found the best thing was not to make a fuss at time - let her stay another night - , but talk to her calmly about it afterwards and explain how upsetting I was for me. Fortunately it hasn’t happened for ages, but I do agree it’s horrible.

@bringthethunder she should absolutely not turn up and cause a scene! What a ridiculous idea.
Also the police will do absolutely nothing. He is her father and she is 12!