Help my partner has had an affair, our relationship is over but we both refuse to leave the children

[Home455]

Hi, was hoping for some advice from anyone who may have ever been in the same situation (or anyone who has an opinion). Me being a man it would be intrresting to get a womans point of view.

Ive been with my partner for 22 years we have two kids 14 and 7. We both jointly own our house. We both work the same part time hours (to cover chilcare in hols) and have similar incomes.

Our relationship has always been up and down a bit, but the last few years have been particularly tough due to family stresses, never having time together, lack of intimacy, never going out due to childcare (our youngest has autism which makes things a bit more complicated). I guess weve drifted apart and didnt know how to get it back.

Since early this year things seemed to go down a further notch and she seemed even more distant. She stopped doing little things like kissing me good bye or putting an x at the end of a text. I knew something was up and started getting really anxious and depressed about it.

So to cut a long story short i found out a month ago shes been having an affair for the last 4 months. She says it wouldn't have happened if we didn't have such a 'shit' relationship. The other man is someone from work who she started running with and they apparantly 'clicked'. Hes married with 2 grown up children.
She says she loves him and that our relationship is over.

Obviously i am totally devastated. Hurt, betrayed, humiliated. I could hardly function on a basic level for 2 weeks. I had to go to the drs in the end and he put me on anti deppressants.

Im terrified for the well being of my kids. We both are refusing to leave the family home. If anything im the primary carer as shes always out doing things. Thers no way im leaving but i dont know how emotionally i can cope living together knowing shes just going to carry on seeing this guy.
I feel the children have a right not to have to leave the home theyve grown up in.

Its all a total mess. Id be grateful for any advice.

Living in an unresolved limbo is not good for your DC either in fact it can be very damaging.

Given your wife's admission that she loves someone else and will continue to have a relationship with him I think it is best to initiate divorce proceedings. Go to mediation and see if you can both agree on how to proceed.

Shared residency is often the starting point of discussion with regards to D/C and it sounds as if your current work/childcare arrangement could support this. The 14 year old DC may well independently decide what they would prefer to do, you both need to try to positively support their wishes if at all practical. If 50/50 residency is not in the best interest of your younger DC and neither of you can agree an alternative then a judge can make the decision if needed with the help of CAFCAS.

If neither of you wish to leave the home and cannot reach any agreement in mediation it is realistic to assume that if you went to court (expensive, acrimonious and stressful) and an order for sale could be decided by the judge. Given the fact you both earn a similar income and that each of you need to be able to independently provide suitable living arrangements for you DC this is a likely outcome. A judge will not be interested in the reason for your divorce they will simple look at the practical facts of the situation.

Please don't worry, the DC will adapt even if they move house, it is a bucket load of constant love, reassurance and support they will need from both of you during this very difficult time. How you both deal with this separation will have a massive impact on your dc's emotional well being. Arguing, blaming etc will only make this process harder for the DC and ultimately they are the priority.

As horrendous and difficult as this situation is it needs to be sorted as calmly and amicably as possible for the DC's sake. The 14 year old will be starting their GCSE's soon so best to get this sorted asap.

I'm really sorry that you are going through this.

I was in a similar position to you 10 years ago although my wife was then only having an Emotional Affair over the internet. We stayed together for around 6 months but got too much for me when she couldn't be physical with me anymore as she felt like she was "cheating" on him...(????). I found a 1 bed flat for rent just yards away from the marital home so moved out & lived there. Kids came & stayed 3 nights a week & I saw them at weekends too ( they were 6, 5 & 3). This continued for 5 years as we could not sell the MH due to negative equity. We divorced during that time & she even moved some new bloke into the house (not the EA partner btw.....but that's another story).

Small steps my friend. So what you need to atm to get by but I would strongly suggest you think about divorcing & moving kn with your life. The kids will adapt & you will feel much better in the long run.

As a PS. My kids fell put with their mum last xmas when she moved in yet another new boyfriend. They just had enough of her putting herself first. They moved in with me & I'm currently looking to sell my 2 bed house & buying a 4 bed as they are now teenagers & need a room each. Sometimes people show their true colours. Stay strong for your kids & do what's right for them.

Clean break.
Sell the house, buy somewhere new.
Move on.
I know more easily said than done, but it will be all right in the end.

I take it you are not married. So there is no need for a divorce. Your relationship is over so you need to sever your ties. That will mean deciding to live separately and agreeing to co parent. Neither of you will get the children 100% of the time and the actual split will be a combination of their needs based around school, your respective working patterns and the need for quality time alone and with your children.

You both jointly own the house and it needs to be sold or one of you buys the other out. The later is cheaper.

Before you fight over that, can either of you afford the house on your own with the bigger mortgage? Can you afford to even buy new homes on PT salaries?

The win here isn’t to deprive the other of something, the current home or time with the children. The win is to start planning for a new future that gives you an affordable home and a secure future.

Unfortunately what you feel should have happen now and what is legally or financially possible are not the same thing.

Thanks for the response. I understand that the biggest priority is the kids. I just thought if they get to stay in the family home for 50 percent of the time then at least thats only half the disruption for them.
When this first came out we initially said we'd live together so could still be a family. I said i wouldnt be able to emotionally cope if she was still seeing him. She said she'd ended it with him but i suspect this is not the case.
I feel so frustrated because on the rare occasions that we had a night out or a weekend away together we would get on great and love each others company. Its just the home life over the years has taken its toll.
I would be willing to try to make a fresh start, get couselling, make big changes, long term plans etc but im not sure if that window has now passed. She says she 'loves me with all her heart' but shes not 'in love' with me. Are average couples always 'in love' after 22 years? Or do they just love each other?

Were not married so could potentially avoid any legal costs.

I can understand why she wont leave
I know its not all her fault. Shes terrified that our eldest is going to find out and doesnt want him to know.

Ahh just realised that you may not be married so the advice from LemonTT is the best way forward.

I just feel quilty that if its me who insists on selling house etc then im the one breaking up the family because i cant emotionally cope with living together because i still have strong feelings for her.

It would mean going from living in a nice 4 bed house to potentially only being able to afford a 2 bed flat where the kids would have to share a room which in itself would be a practical disaster. Neither would be able to buy the other out.

Hi @Home455.

There was another man on here recently who is in a very similar situation and he might be able to offer some advice. @Areallusernamestaken x

Better not to blame yourself or your partner. It sounds like it has come to an end one way or another.

Thanks @le1la

@home455

All I can say is snap! I have a long thread on the divorce and separation forum section but the basic summary is the same. Wife had an affair with guy from work, etc. etc. She loved me, but not in love with me... all the cliches.

I'll be honest, you will feel like crap for a while but you have to focus on the positives you have in your life and not be dragged down by what has happened. I didn't get the anti depressants or anything... guess I'm lucky in that sense (or maybe I'm missing something genetically?!)... but you have to open up and let your feelings out. I found it useful to note everything on the forum thread. It likely bored everyone to tears, but just noting down thoughts and feelings, whilst admittedly crying at the same time for what id lost, and getting positive and reassuring feedback from other forum members helped massively. You can't cling onto your relationship unfortunately, it's horrible but it's over. It's a bitter pill to swallow, but it's worth getting it out of the way and not living in hope for something that can never get back to how it was. I've had to live separately from my wife in our home and it's tough, but my feelings for her drained away quicker than I thought they would.

You must let everything you are feeling out and try not to dwell. I know it's damned hard, but you get one shot at life and you cannot let the actions of your wife destroy that for you. Things will get better... if you read my thread it follows my path for 2-3 months to now. I felt crap then, I feel ok now.

In terms of your kids, it will hurt, but they need a mum and dad, and so 50:50 is likely the best thing. My wife and I have only recently agreed this so don't expect agreement immediately, but the children need to be put first.

You then need to get practical and find out what you can afford to do. Speak openly to mortgage advisors and banks, you may be surprised... I'm buying my wife out but the extra £100k borrowing is only £70 a month more than our existing mortgage. Don't assume u can't do it until u try. Maybe look to get a full time job, basically anything you can think of to keep the family home together before giving up on the idea.

Use these forums as your place to vent... you might not always get a response but be assured people will read and support you along the way.

Take care

Sometimes in L/T relationships, its hard to keep up the momentum felt in the early years together.With children ,money ,work and so on its perhaps not surprising that at relationships fail TBH.You say you are not sure if your wife is still seeing this man?.Do you have any evidence or is this a gut feeling?.If he is married too, will he be leaving his wife?!.You need to discuss the practical side of the situation ,tell your wife you cant live like this. And see if she will agree to go to counselling? or if it has gone past that now ,and a divorce is likely.I think your children will be happier than if they are with you both in a bad atmosphere .On the other hand people do come back from Affairs sometimes, it makes their marriage stronger only you know if this is possible for yo or not.It may help to go away for a W/E together just to get a break ,chat away from stresses and strains of home life

the one breaking up the family because i cant emotionally cope with living together
Jeez - please stop thinking like that.
SHE has broken up the family.
All on her own.
She has chosen to have an affair.
She has chosen to rip out your heart and stomp on it.
It's all on her.
If she was decent she would have had a discussion with you first and tried to resolve issues.
You don't just have an affair.

I think you need some legal advice. So get that first.
She did this - SHE can move out.
Stop being a doormat!
So far she has had no consequences to her actions.
She needs to understand that there are consequences.
Please don't let this slide and brush it under the carpet.

Time to take back control of your life.

Thanks everyone for your thoughts and advice - its a lot to take in so need to digest things.
I know in my head that its over and i'll be happier in the long run but my heart is struggling to let go.
I def need to get some legal advice regarding the child custody situation so thats what i'll be doing straight away.
We're both having counselling sessions (seperately) so im hoping that will help me get through this. The biggest thing for me is the upheaval that the kids are going to face. It looks like we're going to have to sell the house as i would need 180k to buy her out, which is way out of my league even if i went back to work full time. The problem is neither of us wants to appear to the kids to be the one leaving so whereas i would have liked them to be in the family home 50 percent of the time i just cant see that happening.

@Areallusernamestaken

I read your thread and f* me the similarities are spooky although i think your wife is a bit more unhinged lol. Fair play to you i dont know how you've managed to cope, though i quess the well being of the children has been the biggest motivator. I just hope in 3 months time i'm as strong as you are.

Yep, very spooky. And yep, my wife is definately a crack pot!

I don't know how I coped, just did really. I've had really good support from one or two people, but other than that i just dug in and got on with things on my own. I just did it for my kids I think, so they haven't had to suffer. I could have gone crazy, burnt her clothes and literally lost it but decided in the long run it was best to crack on with things and try to ignore my wife and what she'd done. I'm almost there now, still have the odd weepy day, but importantly I let it out so it's out of my system and then carry on with "normality". I'll always regret things, but I can't live in the past. It's happened, I've had to deal with it. You will deal with it too, even if it currently seems impossible.

Take care and good luck with everything, and like I said, use these forums as a tool to help get through the worst of things.

You could use us as a tool, or you could see us as humans offering support, empathy and advice.

One thought that helped me make a shift was “if you loved them as much as you say, you wouldn’t want them to stay with you and be unhappy”.

Another help was reading the book Plan B.