Husband wants a divorce

[lunalove]

My husband is leaving me. He was thinking about it last year but it blew over. Now he says he wants to separate. He says there’s no one else. He says that we’ve both changed so much and basically doesn’t think we’re compatible and doesn’t like fundamental things about me. We have a five year old.

Even though it’s not a complete shock I’m really upset. Can’t sleep just keep crying.

I feel like I need a plan. My family are saying I don’t need to worry about it yet.

Everyone including my husband seem really unbothered about it, and say everything will work out and I’ll land on my feet. My husband was whistling downstairs earlier. It’s really spinning me out.

Sorry, OW.

He’s decided that he doesn’t want to be a grown-up.

Get thee to a solicitor.

@RamblinRosie

What? So asking for a divorce means someone doesn't want to be a grown up? Are only women allowed to initiate divorce proceedings in your worldview?

OP. Get a solicitor ASAP to make sure you get everything your entitled to.

I'm so sorry, lunalove. This is naturally very hurtful for you and you cannot see past it at the moment. It is even more difficult because you have a small child.

However the fact is you will move on eventually, 'find your feet' and be stronger for the experience.

As others have said, do go to a solicitor promptly and get your finances in order.

@lunalove your story sounds very similar to mine. My husband told me last week that he was just not happy and although he loved me dearly as a friend our relationship was over. We have a 4 year old together and have been together 20 years.

I’m pretty certain there is no other woman, in fact he’s committed to ‘not go there’ for 2 years whilst we co-parent our young child. Like your husband he thinks we’ll both be happier and seems convinced that in 5 years time we’ll both be happy with other people and happily coparenting our child together.

Practically, If he’s playing fair and your finances are not complicated then mediation is the way as solicitors can cost tens of thousands of £.

Lots of love to you, it’s a very hard to go through and I’m here to chat, currently on here 24/7 it seems..

OW was my first thought too - he's too happy about the destruction around him - affair chemicals. If he was just leaving for himself, there would be some normal human guilt (even if he had nothing to be guilty for) and/or reflection and not so much celebrating.

Hes waaaaay ahead of you, so you need to move fast on the finances etc. Get a good solicitor. Don't make any 50/50 agreements without good legal advice.

Remember that he's not on your team now, he's on a different team. With that in mind, only provide limited information to to him.

It's awful, I'm so sorry.
If you haven't been to the doctor, go along. They have a treatment protocol for situations just like this, to help you to eat and sleep again.

If he will move out, that would be best so that you can begin to recover. It took me 3 months to feel "normal", but I did. Happiness will come too, it just takes time. Just hang in there, you WILL feel better. You will.

@RamblinRosie

How the hell, is facing in to reality that he’s unhappy in a marriage, not wanting to be a grown up? Not understanding that?

Seek independent legal advice and focus on making your life as good as it possibly can for the future.

Hope all works out for you

I feel bipolar. I keep switching from furious to devastated to scared and every one is so intense.

And it’s really childish but I just keep thinking it’s not fair. I like my life. I live my home. I put so much energy into making it lovely. It’s beautiful now. I don’t want to give it up. But I’ll have to there’s no way I can afford it.

@lunalove yes emotions really do cycle. Sometimes I feel positive then the next hour I’m weeping.

I’m with you on the ‘unfair’ but I also just feel ‘too tired’ to deal with it all. I love my house, our local parent friends, bbqs all together in the garden. All that will change. And I will be worse off than before. And will live in a shitter house. It just feels pointless

I don’t want to give it up. But I’ll have to there’s no way I can afford it

You may not have to give it up - it all depends on a range of factors and circumstances. Get thee to a good solicitor and find out your rights.

You may not be able to keep it, but keeping it isn't impossible. Don't just roll over and give ex whatever he wants because people say 50/50 is "reasonable". Get what you NEED to provide a home and life for your child.

Heard that bloody Lewis capaldi song on the radio just now. Fucking sobbing driving home.

I wish that I was good enough
If only I could wake you up
My love, my love, my love
Won’t you stay a while?
I wish you cared a little more
I wish you’d told me this before
My love, my love, my love
Won’t you stay a while?
Hold me while you wait

I feel really really pathetic

I am so sorry its going to be hell for a while. You mentioned that it wasn't a complete shock but it obviously really upsets you and so it should. There were obviously problems for some time that couldn't be resolved. As one poster said, he is way ahead of you, he has been mulling this over for a very long time and has come to the conclusion now that enough is enough. Now you will have to catch up with the grieving process that he may already have worked someway through coming to this decision. There is probably someone in the wings, might not be a full blown affair but men very rarely leave to be on their own (obviously there are exceptions). Just get yourself some professional advise, get a therapist if you can a you will cycle through many intense emotions from begging him to stay to absolute deep seated anger, to despair to relief in one hit sometimes. A therapist will help give you tools to deal with these awful feelings. I wish you all the best x

Your feelings are very normal and if your H is in a happy place it suggests he is in denial or there is OW.
Ex said to me if we separated he would not ever get into another relationship, as he had been married before. Of course reality is dvery different.

I hate to add to your upset but the saying "a man never leaves unless he has a place to go to, a woman leaves when she has no place to go" seems to ring true.

If he is in denial then he will have the wake up when he has to face losses, loss of money, loss of home, loss of time with his dc, loss of your family or joint friends.

Take what he says with a large dose of skepticism.

It is painful to have your life shattered and I agree it feels pointless. I even felt that with an abusive marriage as we could have had a wonderful life given we were not challenged with finances or children's health etc.

What you will realise is this is about your H and his weaknesses not you. Sure people change but unless you are now drastically different (often if you got together in teen years) then pulling the plug on marriage is a big decision..it will affect his life forever.

If there is genuinely no OW and he hasn't tried to fix issues then he will hit the grieving stage.

My husband is self employed and I have a salary from the company. I want to find out what my mortgage affordability is. If I phone the bank that has our joint account and business account will they tell my husband?

Oh I'm sorry to hear this. I am you but two years ago. It's a horrible time when it happens but take some practical steps to help. Firstly, get all the financial info which you need (income, pension, mortgage stuff etc) and then book an hour with a solicitor. I asked around for recommendations and found a great solicitor who sat down with me and explained what happens, what the law says regarding division of assets and parental rights. Knowledge is power here and may help to quell some anxiety.

Emotions will be all over the place and it's ok (normal id say actually) to feel utterly betrayed, angry, sad in quick succession. This is a big change and it's ok to acknowledge the sadness of your marriage ending.

When my ex wanted to split he was quite angry about it, and lots of hurtful things were said. However now two years on we are on friendly terms. Mainly because we decided pretty early on that our child needed to be put first in all of this so we needed to be amicable. Now I'm not saying that there isn't times I think he is a complete dick but actually I hide it in front of our kid as she needs a mum and a dad and she doesn't need us arguing.

Do you have someone you can talk to? I leaned heavily on friends and actually when he eventually left the house it was a massive relief.

We have agreed what we are doing financially and with parental responsibility and access and just waiting out the two years separation before going for divorce.

Also I have a new boyfriend, he has a girlfriend- we've both moved on and things are ok, better than ok really.

Phew, an essay. Take care of yourself and your child first of all. See the Gp if you still have problems sleeping. Try to be kind to yourself and give yourself time to heal. You will get through this,

Not if you tell them not to? However, not sure why you want to keep that s secret? He wants out so I think you are being totally above board and sensible. If he appears to be that happy about the decision, strike whilst the iron is hot and discuss getting finances sorted. He has to provide a home until the child has left school so you might not need to leave anyway.

You could also phone a mortgage broker and get independent advice.

Solicitors tend to offer a free 30minute consultation if you ask to get some facts straight on what rights you have.