Tips for reducing difficulties with ex

[JustmeandtheKIDS2]

Very long story but my ex husband continues to try and control me 2.5 years after seperation. We have young children so have to have some contact. We have contact order and a book that goes back and forth. Set days and times for collecting etc so really there shouldn't be much need to communicate, but he's so so difficult that it's just not working. I'm looking for practice ideas to reduce the negative contact. Eg do people have a different phone for Thier ex (my friend does this and says it helps)
Any communication is near on impossible.
Any tips anyone??

If it is abusive then think about a contact centre where it’s controlled do you don't see each other , arrange for a friend or family member to be there at pick up and drop off
And yes to separate phone.
Counselling do that you care less what he says and does ?

I blocked my ex and asked for email only if he wanted to communicate outside arranged child handovers. All the abusive txts/rants stopped. Grey rock, don't react, chat, or communicate on any level unless it's about the kids and reasonable. If unreasonable= ignore

We don't see each other often but he's just so difficult and yes it's much more than normal and it is abuse. He's constantly trying to change contact and blackmailing me to take me back to court. There was an arrangement in place so we don't see each other but he's now changed that. He's basically still bullying me through the contact arrangements.
It's very complicated as the kids are often brought back early and really I should refuse and tell him he must keep to the order. But there have been some very unpleasant things happen that ss have been involved in regarding his behaviour towards the kids. They of course have backed out and left me with no support but a very very angry ex. Regardless my point is I always want them home early as least I know Their safe.
Maybe I will get a second phone, only for him.

Oh OP I hear you! We have the same, contact order and a book. We've been split two years and he tries to control me all the blooming time! It's so tiring.

The thing that works for me is no verbal communication as he can twist things and there's no evidence trail. I don't do text either.

He emails and I have told him I don't have access at work (I do but he doesn't need to know that!) and I will reply once I have sorted kids into bed. Then I wait a bit more. And I generally limit myself to one, possibly two emails a night. Two is rare.

This has the affect of not making myself so available to him. Which he hates but can't do anything about.

I also practice the grey rock method of being really boring. So I type the angry or emotional reply into a notes app on the phone to get it out of my system and then I cut it down to minimal bare facts. And I try and limit the response.

We've only been on a contact order and book system since April. And I can't really tell you if it's working but it makes me feel more in control.

It's a horrible situation. I just want him to grow up and have some respect but he won't so there's no point in wishing it would happen

Or as Weejo said in a far more succinct manner!!

I agree Weejo...if its unreasonable, ignore it.

I use the thumbs up emoji.

Always correspond via text. It stops the anger/insults.

A shared calendar - we use timetree.

Basically, give them nothing to 'work' with. The least they know the better.

Weejo
That's a good idea only to communicate via text when he has the kids other than that email.
The problem is he hates me and I mean hates me, for no good reason. But regardless this takes over, he behaviour is reapetedly nasty and domineering, he also tells the kids unkind things about me. Tbh I don't think it will ever stop but I need to reduce it down some how.
I have been using the gray rock theory but tbh it makes very little difference.

I have used email for years too. Phone text for emergencies when kids are with him.

His emails go straight to an XH inbox not my main inbox. I check it 24 hrs after a visit and the day before a visit, very ocassionally in between. I only check when my now DH is home, the DC are out the way and I have time to process things. Its been 12 years and this still works for minimising the impact and control.

It will make a difference. At the moment he is still trying to make you respond by any means. It will get boring for him.
It's so easier said than believed though

Ripple effects - I like that idea. I might try and start that. At the moment I have to open a new message as my anxiety goes through the roof about what it might contain

Ripple effects
Wow may be I should give it a go. When he has a bee in his bonnet he's relentless and he's so degrading. I have been reluctant to give him my email address as it felt like another way for him to communicate with me, but maybe it's just a better way.

It takes time to take control and to handle things at your own pace. I can remember many, many events when it was just me and the boys as very young children and a message would completely flaw me, ruining what ever I'd carefully planned with the DC.

Turning me into an iritable grump. Only, it was me allowing my tension about him to do that. I needed to allow myself to live free of it whilst acknowledging that essential contact was necessary. Essential contact covers very little really.

I can't remember the final straw but I just decided no more. If the boys are with me there is nothing he can need from me thats an emergency so I'll deal with his contacts within roughly a week when I'm in the right mental place to deal.

It's a bit of discipline not to peek and see if an email is sitting there unread.

Now, we email exchange about every six months with any contact change requests for the next 6 months, it was initially shorter periods but on reflection over the years he has accepted the consistent pattern is the only one available.

I've not mastered the not bringing back early thing though.

Thanks I have set up a new email address just for him. That's exactly how I feel, so so stressed by the thought of a text from him, it takes over your day and distracts me from parenting.
I need to be honest and say it's unlikely he will stop bullying me but I can certainly work in reducing the impact of it. I end up getting sucked in to replying and that feeds him more.

I’m sure there is a need for a messaging service that filters out this nonsense. They can only use set questions, like “need to change date/time of () to ()”. Responses can only be yes or no. And an intermediary could be used for free text questions, at a cost.