I have a problem with my DH. Often if there is something we disagree about, it ends in (or rapidly turns to) argument.
This is a problem I only have with him. I'm not an argumentative person. But then I think he isn't really either (though I am obviously not with him all the time, so maybe at work he is more confrontational? He seems pretty calm though).
I think the problem arises from the fact he comes from a VERY patriarchal culture. His dad is treated like a king, and the sons have all been praised in their childhood to the point of thinking they are absolutely faultless, and right in everything. It is scary to see the family in action actually, and the "god-like" status put upon the men by the women.
Foolishly we met and married before I'd been fully exposed to that side of the family and traditions. He was living over here and seemed genuinely great, if a little old fashioned in his treatment of women (but in the early days it was more "gentleman pays" than "what the man says", as I suppose it would be with early romance compared to marriage in his mind).
Thankfully he's not half as bad as his father, who literally calls all the shots (says things like "Jane, cup of tea", and MIL will run to get a cup of tea for him. (We settled this early on that that doesn't fly with me, and he is MUCH better with household jobs etc than his dad).
But I fear this exposure to his father's behaviour is what affects our discussions...
If I say something, he's willing to hear my point of view, but then will contradict, pick apart, criticise and point out any perceived flaws in my view indefinitely. He will literally just keep on pulling apart my view until I end up giving in to his. If we've both stated our views and I then say "so what should we do?", he says "we're still discussing it so I don't want to make a decision yet", which translates to "I'm going to continue telling you how you're wrong, or at least keep stating my view over and over and over".
He won't ever happily reach a compromise or let things go my way. If it's something I feel strongly about, I find the best ways to actually get him to shift from his views are either getting mad and pointing out his misogynistic "man is always right, woman submits" ways (which he then denies is how he thinks, but I think sometimes it's so ingrained he doesn't see it for what it is), or by me saying "OK fine, I give up, we'll go with what you say", and he'll then accuse me of overreacting and being stroppy (perhaps true!), but it is the only way I can end the endless "discussion", and this reaction sometimes results in him compromising on his view.
And I may sound like a really demanding person - I'm really generally not! I'm a people pleaser to a fault. If anything I have far too few opinions and should probably have more, for the sake of maintaining a sense of self!
An example might be him wanting to take me and the kids to a work function. If it's a reasonable function to attend then I'd agree no problem. Sometimes he suggests taking them to late evening things, where he will be in full work mode, the kids (both under 4) will be tired (one gets hyper, the other cranky), there will be no other kids, no provision for kids by way of space to play/sit/snack etc, and often an expectation that they will be kept quiet by me for periods of time for speeches etc. They usually go to bed at 7pm. These things start at 8pm, finishing around 10:30pm. He thinks it will be nice for us to drop by for an hour. He cannot seem to hear at all if I'm saying "it's a nice idea but x,y,z", and will keep saying "but you could play in the foyer in the speeches", "you could bring the pushchair for the youngest to fall asleep in", "there will be lots of people there willing to entertain the kids" (they're often really not the kind of event you could expect colleagues or guests to play with kids!)... and he will counter EVERY reason I give, until I snap. He wants us there, so we should be there. End of. Despite it being tiring for me and of no benefit to the kids or to his work function. It is literally all of us being inconvenienced for his whim.
What's the solution to this?! I'm honestly at breaking point. I don't feel like I make too many demands but he will literally not let me be right on anything, even if it's something that affects me and the kids WAY more than it does him.
How does one deal with a patriarchal misogynistic decision maker who is in denial that that is what they are?!
(Sorry. Long).