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Original poster

Ghosting

15 replies

EmmaJanet84 · 02/07/2019 19:02

Hi all,

Just hoping for some support/advice.

I've been with my partner for 18 months. At about 5 months in he ended the relationship by texting me and telling me he wasn't attracted to me / couldn't see himself in a long term relationship with anyone at that stage of his life. He is 40, never married and no kids.

His longest relationship prior to me was also 18 months.

He came back, after he had ended it, and told me he had made a mistake but that due to a troubled upbringing found it hard to feel or be vulnerable in interpersonal relationships.

After some time, I decided to try again with him.

Out of the blue he has now ghosted me. No warning signs or explanation. In fact just recently he had said how happy he felt in our relationship.

I think he has avoidant tendencies. But I am still so confused by his inability to end it properly. He hasn't blocked me on whatapp (which is our primary mode of communication). He just stopped talking to me.

Looking back, although always interested in my life and getting to know those close to me he probably did keep me at arms length and often felt overwhelmed when meeting groups of family or friends of mine so avoided it really.

Has anyone had similar experiences?

OP posts:
AFistfulofDolores1 · 02/07/2019 19:54

I'm sorry you're going through this, OP.

But what are you really looking for with your post? You're asking for similar experiences - but why? So you can read about how other partners have done that, then come back, and lived happily ever after? Or to find the courage to cut him off for good this time?

What do you want?

Countrypie · 02/07/2019 20:04

I would cut off any guy who treated me like that. Chances are he will pop up again when he is lonely/bored/horny etc but can you really cope with being picked up and dropped when it suits him. Your relationship is still quite young. You should be really into each other and it should be mutual. I would end it (in your head), block him and look for someone more consistently into you.

Original poster
EmmaJanet84 · 02/07/2019 20:21

I agree with all that's been said but what if he does have these psychological reasons why he struggles with relationships? I still know that means he's not for me but I wish he could recognise his issues.

OP posts:
BananaSpanner · 02/07/2019 20:24

But why? You can’t fix him. I know you must be terribly hurt but I think you could do with a little anger as well. He has treated you really badly. He’s a grown man who does know better no matter what sob story he has spun you.

Original poster
EmmaJanet84 · 02/07/2019 21:55

I am angry but probably need to feel more so. I think I'm in denial about not being able to fix him. Just last week he told me how much he valued my friendship. But perhaps he just can't manage a relationship.

OP posts:
AFistfulofDolores1 · 02/07/2019 22:32

You can't fix him.

There you go.

More difficult by far: fixing you. It takes more time, and more effort. But if you focus on that, things will change, I promise.

supercali77 · 02/07/2019 22:40

Think about what he's done. Think about him doing it to a freind you love and respect. Think about a 40 something year old man repeating the same carnage over and over again, never accepting responsibility for the emotional fallout hes left behind...and you're worrying about his issues. Feel the rage in your own behalf. Emotionally unavailable types dont like to close down the relationship because it leaves open the option of wandering back in. The only person who can give you closure and end it now is you I'm afraid

ConfCall · 02/07/2019 23:08

It’s frustrating when there is no proper ending. What a coward! I think that you should send him one last message saying that you wish him well but that you want no further contact.

KatherineJaneway · 03/07/2019 05:22

You're better off without him. He clearly cannot form and keep going a relationship. He's had a long time to work on that buy clearly has not. It's not your job to fix him if he won't help himself.

Windmillwhirl · 03/07/2019 05:40

Hi, you could look up Avoidant Personality Disorder in the DSM V., The American Psychiatric handbook

I agree with the others. Whatevers his reason, he has has treated you very badly and with very little regard.

In your shoes I'd be staying well clear of him. He has the potential to cause you ongoing heartache.

newmomof1 · 03/07/2019 05:45

I hope it is that he's ghosting and not that something dreadful has happened

Monty27 · 03/07/2019 05:56

I wouldn't have the energy for that crap.
Tell him to do one. Confused

RLEOM · 03/07/2019 18:25

How many times will you let him walk out on you? If you're planning on having children with him, what impact will that have on you and the children?

Ghosting is a form of abuse, regardless of his reasons.

CaMePlaitPas · 03/07/2019 18:29

I think he has avoidant tendencies.

No, OP, stop making excuses for him, he's just a bastard.

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