In DH's family there is this undercurrent of perfectionism- things being 'just right'. It extends to Christmas and birthday presents and to family meals. It is quite stressful. Also about keeping people happy. It is considered rude to say no to any invites- one New Years we didn't go to a family get together (after seeing everyone at Christmas) and had a call from PIL asking why, etc, telling us 'but you have been invited'.
I have tried speaking to DH about how it is OK to say no (like the time above which was rare) and the sky won't fall in! It al seems to be about a real fear of 'not upsetting everyone'.
SIL sees it also, she told me would rather 'just eat a sandwich that the fuss over meals etc'. I think it all seems to stem from FIL who is quite domineering and likes things a certain way and then everyone else has kind of taken on this trait as well.
DH gets really stressed, like for example said he had a nightmare about not getting the Christmas presents or something, and now he has a relative coming to visit he is worrying about having it all right, things like he thinks the carpet needs replacing and the oven scrubbed. These are close relatives, who i would have felt it would be more usual to relax with.
I just wondered if anyone else had experience of this and any words of wisdom or advice. For now, i am just not getting involved / trying to stay distance and not let it affect me too much. They can take me as they find me.