My partner has feelings for another man.

[Rozenn05]

I'm new to this but don't know who to turn to and so was looking for some unbiased advice as me and my partner share the same friends. Me and my partner of 16 years with a beautiful 5 year old daughter are probably just just like any other couple. We have our ups and down but recently things got a little odd. I trust her but she has been behaving a bit strange as of late. She never used to know where she'd left her phone but now it never leaves her side and she has been recieving a lot more messages than normal. When she went out with a friend the other evening our shared tablet was going crazy with messages so I checked it out to see what it was. It turns out that she and a man 12 years her junior from work have been talking a heck of a lot recently. Looking back through the messages it starts out quite innocent enough but then he begins the flirty messages. To her credit she does seem to dodge these messages but then he comes out with how much he is attracted to her. She responds by saying that she is both emotionally attracted and somewhat sexually attracted to him. They agree to meet up in secret to discuss their feelings and to see where they should go with these feelings. Obviously I don't know what was said between them and since then the messages toned down a little. That was until last night when he said that he couldn't get her out of his head and she responded by saying she was also confused by her feelings towards him. They have agreed to meet up again out of work for a chat. Now I can't be certain but I don't think they have gone any further than talking judging by these messages however the thought of it is tearing a hole right through me. Although I haven't let on that I know, inside I'm in bits and am not sure what to do. The guy in question is also engaged. I know I need to confront her about it but am not sure how to tackle it as I'm not one for confrontation and don't want to push her away. Any advice would be very much appreciated.

You must be really upset. To be honest I think the other man is playing with her, he's obviously deflecting his comittment issues onto someone else as a distraction. When you are a wife and mother it's very flattering when someone shows interest. This anything far from love. Perhaps he told her some sob story and she just felt a bit special that he would confide in her and he's taking it too far. Show her how much she means to you. Actions speak louder than words. Show her what a wonderful husband and child she has and what she would be missing. Book a weekend away or Take her to a special place you used to visit when you were dating, to remind her of the good times and just ask if she's happy. Little things count. It makes my day when husband gives me a hug or tells me I look nice, we forget the little things in long term relationships. I would resist head on confrontation that might push her in the wrong direction. Hope this helps. Good luck

You are right to be worried and I would advise you to take this seriously, they have already crossed a line and these things can escalate fast.

I think you need to sit down with her and ask her to tell you honestly how she feels. Also tell her how much you love her but recognise she is her own person.

I would be inclined not to tell her about the tablet (yet) but simply say, calmly, that you know something is not right and that you would prefer her to be honest with you here and now.

A lot at this stage depends on her reaction. People can have crushes, we are human. If she is honest, you are in a better place and you should try to thank her for that and agree a way forward. Hopefully she will think how much you mean to her, but either way honesty is critical now. If she is not honest, I would be inclined to confront her with the evidence.

She may naively think that meeting up will be innocent, but I can assure you he won't see it that way. Deep down she probably knows that.

The worst outcome is denial from her and you being gaslighted.

Be strong, this is hard, but you still have a chance. Good luck.

@Huggybear2000 what you are suggesting is the pick me dance and is exactly what most experts recommend not to do.

OP please look up the relationship 180 and do that instead.

Remember that she has betrayed your trust and it isn't you who should be doing all the running around here.

Thanks for your responses. I'll have to have a little think how to best approach the subject.

This is a classic emotional affair and in time will turn physical.

Maybe check out www.relate.org.uk/relationship-help/help-relationships/affairs/my-partner-isnt-having-physical-affair-very-close-someone-else-should-i-be-worried for help or Chump Lady www.chumplady.com/category/emotional-affair/

Best of luck OP, I hope you can resolve things so that you are both happy.

I dont know what the pick me dance is. I've been very happily married 20 years and I think some things are worth fighting for.

@huggybear2000 I'm assuming being happily married doesn't include your partner having an emotional and possible physical affair with another person.

In this circumstances the advice given about a 180 is precisely what OP should be doing. The pick me dance only serves to push people further away as desperation creates contempt. OP deserves respect and the only way to get this is for the other half to realise they won't take this shit. Not now, not ever.

I wonder if a woman posted this, would Huggybear tell her to take her husband away and let him know how good she is. That's absolutely the pick me dance.

OP, Don't let her meet this man without letting her know that you know something is going on.

I'd not let her know how you know, if she hasn't figured it out... ascertain if she wants to be in a relationship with you or not.

The worst thing you can do is be gripped by fear...

The saying is that you need to be prepared to lose a marriage to save it.

If the other person sees you're afraid of losing the relationship...they'll mess you around.