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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Cheating again

21 replies

STOTTYBUN · 02/07/2019 14:51

aw someone’s post about receiving a Facebook message about her partner cheating. It wasn’t me but I did that. Ex partner cheated on me . We have 2 children. I threw him out, someone sent me a message when I was pregnant, he denied it of course. Cut a long story short, after 15 years, found pay as you go phone and chucked him out. I had never trusted him but hoped he’d changed. 2 years later He met someone online, moved in with her a year ago. The children go once a week if that but they really like the girlfriend , in fact don’t like going if she's working and they have to be alone with their father. At least I know she’ll stop him shouting at them. I like her. After 4 years I decided to try online dating and went on Tinder. The first person I saw was him. I knew he was up to his old tricks. That’s a month ago.q He’s 44 and she’s 37, no kids, never been married. I was angry, made a fake face/ok and messaged her to warn her. I told her not to tell him ut check his phone, look for a pay as you go mobile and see if he’ll answer his phone with her in the room. I also sent a screenshot of his photo which clearly shows a recent photo. Now I’m wondering if it was the right thing to do. She has been through the same thing before and suffered because of that. I don’t want her to waste her life on a pile of sh**. She's young, will waste her life and find out too late as I did. I know part of me wants him to suffer and that’s why I did it, so it was malicious but she deserves better. She’s young enough to have a family, he doesn’t want any more, has had a vasectomy, but she’s good with kids but now regretting I told her , as she is a lovely. girl and maybe she won’t want to leave him but will never trust him again. She would have found him out anyway as he’s so arrogant that he won’t think she’ll not trust him and he’ll slip up. His photo show his real name, age and who he works for so very easy to find, arrogant or what!

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 02/07/2019 15:13

In the long run, you've done her a kindness.

hadthesnip2 · 02/07/2019 15:27

Well done & dont berate yourself. I'm sure she will want to know. What she does about it is up to her.

RogueV · 02/07/2019 16:07

You’ve done the right thing

CookieCheesecake · 02/07/2019 16:17

In the long run she will thank you - I would!

hellsbellsmelons · 02/07/2019 16:20

You did the right thing.
She deserves to know what a lying, cheating scumbag she is with.

Musti · 02/07/2019 16:29

You've done the right thing. Hope she leaves the cheating scumbag

Surfingtheweb · 02/07/2019 16:33

Did she reply? The message might have gone into the "others" box & she may not have seen it.
You did the right thing though, she deserves to know what she is involved with.

Claphands · 02/07/2019 16:46

Has she responded? I think you’ve done her a kindness really, if you like her it’s come from a good place.

SuzieQ10 · 02/07/2019 16:51

Hope she sees the message.

SweatyPie · 02/07/2019 16:52

Well, you told her the signs to look out for lien the phone, so hopefully she's sees it for herself. Even if she doesn't, she'll realise in the future.

ConfCall · 02/07/2019 17:08

It’s possible that she won’t see it. However, you were right to warn her.

Bluerussian · 02/07/2019 17:17

I think you have done the right thing, STOTTYBUN. He is never going to be satisfied with one woman. Shame on him.

CheerfulChimp · 02/07/2019 17:18

I hope it triggers her to investigate further and see him for what he really is, a pile of sh** as you nicely put it.

STOTTYBUN · 26/07/2019 21:39

Sadly she replied that she told him, he was horrified she said. He said it was an old account he forgot about! She said that he was so kind and loving and would do anything for her. She said it was Tinder she me5 him on that why he had it but which he deleted the app in front of her. I know she met him on Plenty more fish in the sea as he told me. I said it was a recent photo with his age and then gave up. I hope I have sown the seeds of doubt but she might be so needy she’ll stay with him regardless. He’s got away with it.

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MsPeachh · 26/07/2019 23:41

I think you did the right thing. In my experience, cheaters get away with it so often because nobody dares to confront them or tell their partner and it’s often hidden in plain sight. And you are right- the seeds of doubt are planted and she probably just needs a bit of time to process it all.

Elle2019 · 27/07/2019 04:37

I think you did the right thing. You have done all that you can by warning her, now it’s up to her. Leave them to it.

15YemenRoad · 27/07/2019 07:55

she might be so needy she’ll stay with him regardless

Don't make nasty comments like that, they're uncalled for. What you did was vindictive, as more than doing it out of kindness for her you wanted to get to him. Nonetheless, you still did the right thing.

However, referring to her as needy is just horrible, you have been through a relationship with this man and know what he can be like. Were you needy throughout your relationship, as you mentioned you never did trust him?

I sincerely hope this woman gets away from this piece of shit soon and doesn't stay involved with your children either, she needs a clean break away from the mess.

For now, don't send her anymore messages, you may have done enough now for her to start being more vigilant. Contact only if you have some substantial evidence that he cannot refute and will help her wise up to his bullshit.

Also him saying to you that he met her on plenty of fish could be a lie as he seems to lie with ease, and she may have actually met him on Tinder, she doesn't have a need to lie really.

I hope she is able to walk away soon.

STOTTYBUN · 27/07/2019 09:05

Actually I was needy which is why I stayed so long. I can see myself in this woman and don’t want her to waste her life. I have my children but she won’t have any. I have struggled to bring them up on my own, many a time I thought of taking him back because I was so desperate to have a family life. but in the end it was the right decision. No I didn’t trust him nor did I want to be on my own bringing up my children. It got to the point where I knew what he was doing, he didn’t care that I knew, he thought I would stay as my self esteem hit rock bottom. I thought I was a strong person but he managed to drag me so low I thought I couldn’t function without him, regardless of what he was doing. I have had much counselling to get me to this stage, I honestly didn’t want her to go through this.

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STOTTYBUN · 27/07/2019 09:39

Also, I have encouraged him to have the children as in the beginning he didn’t want them. When he started to live with this woman I didn’t stop them going nor made any fuss. The children like her, only want to go when she’s there as she plans lovely days out-whereas he just puts them in front of the TV and they are bored. If they know she isn’t going to be there they kick off, saying they don’t want to go and that’s awful. I told him I wanted it to get to the stage where I could meet his partner but he said she doesn’t want to meet me. I’m certain that’s not true and he’ll be concerned I would tell her about him. Yes I am still hurting and wanted him to feel hurt as I did but also I know what he’s like so wanted her to see him as he is. It would be easy to leave things as they are but because I know how I was I wanted her to get out while she can end . Eventually she would find out and end up in the state I was.

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Fluffycloudland77 · 27/07/2019 13:24

You can’t help women like this, if their with a man who has cheated on every single partner & they think it won’t happen to them they are very optimistic.

Dh knows someone like this, he’s engaged again 🤦🏻‍♀️

STOTTYBUN · 27/07/2019 18:08

Yes, I should have known,, his mother said he had been engaged twice before me. She didn’t say what had happened. I can now put two and two together. The children are with him now, the girlfriend has arranged a lovely day today and a meal afterwards. Part of me wants her to hang around as he’s a much nicer person to me , because he’s got someone else, the children like her and if she stays for another 7 years they’ll be old enough to do their own thing but that’s selfish on my part . I hope she has taken this in, I know when I got it the email to say he was cheating on me, I didn’t want to believe it but the doubts were there and I never trusted him but didn’t want to be on my own either. I did take him back 3 times before finally got the courage to think I can do this on my own. I know it sounds pathetic but I’m out of it now and been on my own for a few years. Won’t trust anyone again. Seeing him cheat on her has brought it all back.

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