Terribly jealous of husband's new girlfriend, driving myself crazy

[LeftBehindAndJealous]

Hi all, I am an occasional poster on the Relationship board, but I NCed for this post as I am worried it might be outing for people who know me in real life.

My husband and I separated 10 months ago, after 18 years together (12 years married) and two DC under the age of 10 whose custody we now share 50/50. We are both 44. The relationship had been difficult for over 3 years and we mutually agreed to split up. We both knew it was the right decision. Everything was fairly amicable, but of course still quite painful. We started co-parenting and things were going pretty well, all considered.

I thought I was recovering relatively well from the split, I signed up for clubs and activities, went out with friends, went on a couple of short childfree breaks. I felt quite positive about the future, albeit emotionally bruised from the upheaval of course.

Then three weeks ago, my husband told me out of the blue that he has been seeing a woman for a couple of months. I feel like I am not just emotionally back to square one, but actually feeling way worse than I did when we split.

I know her vaguely as a distant acquaintance. We live in a relatively small city and we have a lot of mutual acquaintances, so I think he was worried someone might see him out with her and tell me. So he told me “out of respect” I suppose. No plans to introduce her to DC at the moment.

She is 15 years younger than us, very attractive, wears fashionable clothes, no children (hence great body), cool job, the whole fucking gamut. Since he told me I have been driving myself mad and completely obsessing over this woman. I can’t help but checking her social media profiles several times a day and I feel terribly jealous. This feeling of jealousy is consuming all my days and nights and it is driving me mental. I feel old, fat and hopeless by comparison. I wonder how I will ever find anyone to move on with.

I have been trying my best to hide my feelings from my husband and “play it cool”, but I am finding it increasingly difficult to be as friendly with him as I was before and we have already had a couple of nasty arguments since he told me about her. I am worried my feelings of jealousy will ruin the good balance we managed to achieve for the sake of our DC.

I don’t want to be this bitter, old woman who can’t accept her marriage is over and move on. I don’t want to feel jealous of my husband’s new gorgeous girlfriend. I don’t want to give a damn!! How do I switch off these feelings? Why has this hit me so badly after I seemingly did well for many months after the separation?

Please help with some words of wisdom!!

I've not gone through this myself but I sympathise and am sending you lots of e-hugs xx

I can only imagine how hard it is but you need to stop looking at her photos on social media and stop with the comparisons. You and your ex made a joint decision to split for a reason - remember that reason. You'll always have feelings for him and that is fine, pick yourself up and dust yourself off. You are a beautiful person too and you will get through this phase in your life. Be positive and really, do yourself a favour and STOP THE COMPARISONS. You're only hurting yourself.

@desperatesux

God when I was 30 and childfree I wouldn't of got involved with a divorced father 14 years older in a million years. At that age the world should be your oyster and you should have plenty of choice with no baggage. Its unlikely to work out but as someone says that is just being negative. Can totally see why you feel this way but agree I would delete social media and try your best for it not to consume you. You don't want him afterall.

I might be very wrong about this, but women don't have that much of a choice, even at that age. A lot of men are already in relationships, many married with children, or still want to be Peter Pan or forever bachelor. Just because someone is single and ready to settle down doesn't mean he's right for her either.

@LeftBehindAndJealous please do update us now

She will never have what you have/had with him
Turn your focus completely away from her. Make a list of everything that you love about yourself, and then a list of what you would like to improve on. Maybe lose a little weight/get fitter, new hairstyle colour etc
You will soon find you won’t give this woman a second thought

Op you really never know what is going on with other people.

On the face of it I could be (have been) described as you have described her. But I still had plenty of insecurities. And I do sometimes wish I'd been a young bride and the first wife. But that's life.

Btw, my husband now has a bald, overweight menopausal asexual being after shedloads of chemo. There is nothing perfect about this picture now. Except the love he shows me - which goes to show this surface stuff doesn't matter when it's real. Your feelings will pass. You don't sound mean and you sound very self aware. You won't get all bitter.

The ex wife is pretty mean in my life. Their daughter said to me after I first had the baby "what size clothes are you wearing now? Mum says dad can't stand fat women." I am positive it came straight from her.

One thing though - do stop calling / thinking of him as your husband. He's with another woman and your ex.

I know this is an old post but I've never understood women at that stage who go for men with that kind of age gap who have kids. When I've come across it they've either had daddy issues or were naive for their age so there was a power dynamic that favoured the older man. You very rarely see men do the same. I wish women would value themselves more instead of giving away their youth to a man who quite frankly doesn't deserve it. Obviously the OP has to move on but I really feel for her, quite galling that man can just swan off with a hoard of kids and just restart their lives again with a young woman.

I know you posted this last July but I really hope you check into the Mumsnet message board from time to time because I found your message last night and it was like reading something I could have written these past few months. If you do, would you message as directed below with at HenleyMay? I'd love to hear from you. After a very long, miserable weekend, I think I may have found a 'dialogue that might see us both through :)

Is it possible to 'message poster'? I've tried a few people on this thread now and every time it tells me I can't. Has anyone else experienced this problem?