Terribly jealous of husband's new girlfriend, driving myself crazy

[LeftBehindAndJealous]

Hi all, I am an occasional poster on the Relationship board, but I NCed for this post as I am worried it might be outing for people who know me in real life.

My husband and I separated 10 months ago, after 18 years together (12 years married) and two DC under the age of 10 whose custody we now share 50/50. We are both 44. The relationship had been difficult for over 3 years and we mutually agreed to split up. We both knew it was the right decision. Everything was fairly amicable, but of course still quite painful. We started co-parenting and things were going pretty well, all considered.

I thought I was recovering relatively well from the split, I signed up for clubs and activities, went out with friends, went on a couple of short childfree breaks. I felt quite positive about the future, albeit emotionally bruised from the upheaval of course.

Then three weeks ago, my husband told me out of the blue that he has been seeing a woman for a couple of months. I feel like I am not just emotionally back to square one, but actually feeling way worse than I did when we split.

I know her vaguely as a distant acquaintance. We live in a relatively small city and we have a lot of mutual acquaintances, so I think he was worried someone might see him out with her and tell me. So he told me “out of respect” I suppose. No plans to introduce her to DC at the moment.

She is 15 years younger than us, very attractive, wears fashionable clothes, no children (hence great body), cool job, the whole fucking gamut. Since he told me I have been driving myself mad and completely obsessing over this woman. I can’t help but checking her social media profiles several times a day and I feel terribly jealous. This feeling of jealousy is consuming all my days and nights and it is driving me mental. I feel old, fat and hopeless by comparison. I wonder how I will ever find anyone to move on with.

I have been trying my best to hide my feelings from my husband and “play it cool”, but I am finding it increasingly difficult to be as friendly with him as I was before and we have already had a couple of nasty arguments since he told me about her. I am worried my feelings of jealousy will ruin the good balance we managed to achieve for the sake of our DC.

I don’t want to be this bitter, old woman who can’t accept her marriage is over and move on. I don’t want to feel jealous of my husband’s new gorgeous girlfriend. I don’t want to give a damn!! How do I switch off these feelings? Why has this hit me so badly after I seemingly did well for many months after the separation?

Please help with some words of wisdom!!

Another one looking at it from the other perspective - I am 15 years younger than my boyfriend, and though I get on really well with his ex-wife (she’s great), I sometimes feel jealous of her because she gave him 3 children and I never will, and in many ways they grew up together, so they have a bond that he and I will never have. You exes new girlfriend may well feel the same about you! I don’t know if it helps or not - but it may do!

I’d feel sorry for her. Not yet 30 and going out with someone 15 years older? You had the best of him, she has The Viagra Years.

The Viagra Years

😂😂 Love that Breathlessness

OP don't assume shes as fabulous as her social media makes out. She could be boring and crap in bed but hes just having his mid life crisis "trophy"

I think the best tactic in these scenarios is to work on becoming the best possible version of yourself. Give yourself an image overhaul invest in yourself, start the gym and give yourself a whole new look. Trust me it does wonders...

Comparison its said is the thief of joy, so dont compare yourself - just work on being the BEST version of YOU that you can be...

Trust me it will come good x💐

Hey OP, is it possible it's not her and your ex's relationship that you're envying but her relative freedom and independence?
You've been that gorgeous 30 year old, you know it's fun. Are you the resident parent and feel you have the majority of the responsibilities?

Just wondering if in the focus on being amicable and forging a necessary civil path for the children you've really had any time and mental space to think about how you're doing and what you want for the next stage of your life? Even if you both wanted the relationship to end this would still be a grieving process, no matter who it was, how old they were and what they do for a living. More likely than not he'll go through the same process when you meet someone (and you will!) but you may never know about it.

If you're struggling with contact with him at the moment could handover happen at GPs or friends, just while you process through your feelings? It honestly won't be for forever, you have so much to look forward to.

Some people on here are being really horrible about who she might be. And why she is with him. You all need to check yourselves.
Op it’s perfectly natural to feel jealous. It’s a natural way to feel when things are changing. It highlights that it’s really all over.
It will take time, be kind to yourself, get a therapist, it will help.

Your reaction sounds understandable, you were doing really well re-adjusting and the news that he is seeing someone has taken the wind out of your sails.
Try to resist sneaking peeks at social media. Who knows how long she'll be in the picture. Focus on yourself and don't let this rock the boat concerning arrangements for your DCs.

You're not competing with her for him.

If this lasts, she will be in your DCs' lives.
Keep a clear head.
This has been a wobble but the fact your exH is moving on with someone else is a gift. You will meet someone else too.

Ok, I have just deleted the Instagram and Facebook apps from my phone, I refuse to waste another minute of my life over-analysing one of her perfect pictures!

Thank you all for your kind messages.

Glad you've blocked the Apps OP..

I think if you and your ex (I agree - you need to stop referring to him as husband) split amicably then I think you should meet her, even tell her why - perhaps tell your ex too - but don't make too bigger thing of it like you want to reconcile or anything serious.... I think this is one situation where being the bigger person will bring rewards and maybe some closure.

I don't have answers but I'm awaiting pearls of wisdom as I'm pretty sure it will be me wanting to know this in a few months time. In fact my primary aim at the moment is to beat him to it (not 14 years younger, 5 years older is my preference!)

Some of the comments here from women who’ve decided they know exactly who the girlfriend is as a person - what type of shit person she ‘must’ be - all because of an age difference, are utterly ridiculous.

“She's probably secretly unhappy, scared, desperate...which is why she's dating an (to her) old guy with kids, ex, financial ties, instead of a free, unencumbered guy her own age.” Or she simply met a man, fell in love with him and isn’t shallow enough to write someone off for their age. But I suppose it says more about you to be so patronisingly critical.

You can support the OP without tearing shreds off a woman who has done nothing wrong.

@HawkingEmma couldn’t agree more!

There are a lot of age-gap relationships where I live. When we moved here it was a quite noticeable pattern of woman of 35-45 with a man in his early 50s and young primary-aged children. In many cases the man is on his second time around.

Six years later some of those men are starting to look quite old indeed and I suspect that the age gap is beginning to tell in some cases.

Hopefully she is a pleasant person and time will help you to heal.

There's some really nasty stuff on here - why do some women insist on tearing other women down? It's one of the ugliest things you can do.

Ultimately, OP, try to remember that it's not a competition. People come into our lives, and move out again. The relationship wasn't right for you any more. So you did the right thing, and moved on. You're now free to continue your own growth, and invest in the future that's right for you. Be grateful for the good times you had together, and simply wish him well as he goes down whatever path is right for him in this next stage of his life. And do the same for yourself.

Hopefully, what comes out of that at the end is better for everybody. Your happiness is in your own hands. But it won't be found by watchig him live his life - it'll be found by grabbing your own life with both hands, and making the most of every minute.

I get that we want to support OP, but can we please stop bashing a woman dating an older man?

Every commenter whose done this just comes across as bitter.

It’s okay for a 30 year old to date a 44 year old for example !

She isn’t desperate or sad etc.

You’ve has the best of him”

Again, I get the aim is support OP but this is debatable. Older men often have more money, more stability and are more mature. It really depends on what you want.

Encouraging OP to have attitudes like that isn’t gonna help her relationship with her EX and his gf

OP, it's tough, isn't it? When what you thought you have, you no longer do. Instead of looking at what you think this woman is and what she's achieved, look at yourself and your own fine achievements. You have come through this and, when you're ready, there's every chance that you'll find somebody to be happy with again. Your ex-husband's happiness isn't at the cost of your own and it's to both your credit that you're retained a civil relationship. That's hard to do sometimes - and you've done that, both of you. You chose well - so did he. It's come to an end but that is no reflection on you or on him, it's just life. It's said that we go through a complete cell transformation every 7 years. When is your next 7 years up and what will you be doing then do you think?

It's not over. Don't be so harsh with yourself.

==
PicsinRed yours was an awful post and it says a lot about you whether you meant it to or not. Why do you need to do that? Post scurrilous crap? How is it going to help the OP? Will you be telling her that 'karma will get him and her', or that 'there will be a vacancy now'? None of those are generally true but, don't let that stop you...

Well done for deleting social media - rise above it, carry on moving forward positively with your life and don’t look back

The you have had the best of him comment is nonsense. My exh was a dickhead when he was younger and with me. Always out on the piss with his mates, playing and watching sport and spending too much time pissing around on computer games. He is much more mature now, has a great job and income and his wife definitely got the best of him. It’s life, it happens.

It likely won't last.

@desperatesux

God when I was 30 and childfree I wouldn't of got involved with a divorced father 14 years older in a million years. At that age the world should be your oyster and you should have plenty of choice with no baggage.

I couldn't agree more. I don't understand it tbh...A young attractive woman hooking up with a man with such baggage would have been a very last resort...and if I was over 40 with diminished chances of having my own children.

I think the attraction is...the man feels so lucky that she has given him a second glance and he treats her like a princess in return...something she may never have had from men her own age.

OP.... if you want to lose weight, focus on that and invest time in yourself.

I'm the one who ended my marriage , and according to him I was the love of his life etc etc. It didn't stop him dating a few younger women, some were just 5/7 years older than our dd . Then he met someone who he settled down with . By then I'd also got a new partner but it still made me become over interested in finding out all about her. You've done the right thing to take a step back.

Op, calling him your husband won't bother her. If She even knows she will just feel sorry for you as it makes you seem you're clinging on and pretending. I'm sorry.

Try to refer to him as your ex. It will help you get some distance mentally, because that's what he is to all intents and purposes. He is your ex and he is in a relationship with someone else. In reality he is no longer your husband, the technicalities are simply that. 😔

Good you’ve deleted social media apps.
How you feel sounds perfectly normal and something which just needs to be lived through before it diminishes. You separated for good reasons. You know that. You don’t want him back. Who he sees becomes irrelevant once you really feel all of those things.
It’s all still raw and perfectly natural.
Hug.

makes you seem you're clinging on and pretending

Er, no - the OP and her husband mutually agreed to split up, but they are by law currently still married.

Hi all, thank you again for your thoughts.

I agree with PPs who said that there isn't necessarily anything wrong with her for dating someone older. I appreciate that I don't know her intimately so mine are just speculations, but she definitely doesn't strike me as a desperate woman. I can only assume she really like my husband (fine, STBXH).

I understand why some posters suggest I should refer to him as ex husband, but honestly it still feels to weird after being married for so long, it is such a massive shift and it is taking time to adjust mentally. But I see your point and you are probably right, especially since we are waiting the 2 years separation to file for divorce, so he won't legally be my ex husband for a while.