NC’d for this because I am so embarrassed and ashamed to be in this place.
Been having health issues for a few years (IBS, stomach pains, severe insomnia, flashbacks, depression) and as one of the ways of tackling it have started therapy recently.
I had lots of traumatic experiences as a child (father violent to mother, mother violent and neglectful to me due to mental health issues, made homeless as a result of the family break-up) and some in later life (sexual assault, sudden deaths in family) so the person I am seeing is a trauma therapist. She’s very good.
One of the first things I realised after my initial session with her was that due to my turbulent childhood, I accept things as normal or no big deal that are actually really distressing to me, it’s just because my scale is really off IYSWIM. I’d had an inkling of this before in a sort of detached intellectual way, but it really hit home.
Since I realised that, it’s like the scales have fallen from my eyes and now my world is just disintegrating.
I have been married for 7 years. My husband is a principled person and in many ways he does treat me well. But although I don’t think he is a bad person, I think he is bad for me. And vice versa as regards me for him.
He has no real insight into his emotions or those of other people. He just represses everything. He tries to show empathy and understanding, but it’s like he’s just mimicking something he’s seen someone do before, it’s like he doesn’t actually get it/feel it.
When he is uncomfortable about something, he’ll retreat into himself and go silent with me for long periods of time. I find this very distressing. Or he will be silently angry with me for long periods and refuse to tell me what is wrong. If he does ever tell me what is wrong, if I start crying or show any kind of emotion he will say something like “see, I told you you wouldn’t take it well, I can’t say anything”. I do try to receive things calmly, but I’m not a machine either.
I now the extent of my emotional range makes him very uncomfortable- whether that is feeling an emotion like sadness or happiness strongly, or being happy or joyful. I feel very stifled.
But I’m starting to realise that I find the lack of empathy and emotion in our relationship very keenly. I think this is what is partly behind the old traumatic experiences resurfacing as they are- I am so stressed all the time at home that my grasp on myself is slipping.
I try to feel and be present with my emotions to let them inform my life and my choices in a sort of moderated way, so I don’t make decisions entirely based on emotion or entirely based on reason but in a combination of the two. But his is getting increasingly difficult as he just doesn’t factor the emotional impact of things on himself or in me.
In the last 7 years or so we have moved 5 times- 5 houses in 3 different places. He has changed job 4 times ( each time a promotion at the same firm, but we have moved location for it). He works very long hours- it is difficult to get him to see that a 12 hour day most days with a 14 hour day other days, plus working/checking emails at the weekend isn’t sustainable. He gets very stressed due to a rapid pace of work and imminent deadlines and things, but he doesn’t see how his being so stressed all the time takes it’s toll on me and on our relationship.
My dad died a couple of years ago and it made a lot of things resurface for me. At the same time his dad had a terminal cancer diagnosis. His dad is still with us thankfully, but it has been a huge additional stress. It’s really upset me how little he’s gone to see his dad since his dad became ill, even though his mum and dad only live 15 minutes away. He says he sees them out of duty not love. I found that quite eye opening.
I just can’t get him to understand I can’t live life like this- taking no account of how we feel. He said last night that he does hear his own emotions, he just doesn’t listen to them or act on them. That made me realise why I struggle so much to be heard- if he doesn’t even take heed of his own emotions, how is he going to take heed of mine? I feel totally dismissed and unimportant most of the time. I am having panic attacks a lot. A lot of that is down to past experiences but I think it is being exacerbated by living with someone who does care about me in a certain way but doesn’t care at all about how I am feeling, when how I am feeling and keeping a reasonable emotional keel is so important to me.
In the last week or so I have had some very distressing flashbacks- last week I had intense stomach pains as I relived lying in the fetal position on the bathroom floor when I was little with my mum repeatedly kicking me after she slammed me into the wall and then knocked me to the ground with her fists. As I relived it I realised I thought I was going to die at the time it happened. During the flashback I was lying there for about 30 minutes before I could manage to speak and ask for help.
Last night I had a flashback to being raped by a “friend” twenty years ago. It was the most unworldly out of body sensation, totally detached and unlike anything else really.
I feel like I am disintegrating. These memories keep coming back and I can slip into these dissociated states with almost no warning. At the same time I am realising my marriage just isn’t working and that my health is really suffering from the stress of being married to someone I’m not compatible with. My therapist is away for three weeks working with refugees so I have no-one to talk to about it. My mum and dad are both dead, and anyway both those relationships were a bit of a minefield anyway. I have no other family. I have pretty much shut myself off and isolated myself for the last few years because I haven’t been coping at all physically and mentally. We’ve moved a lot and I don’t really know anyone here that we’ll. I used to be friendly with our ndn but we moved again last month. The move has really upset me- I felt safe in our old house and I didn’t want to move, but my husband insisted (it was a rental place we got as part of relocation and we needed to buy, but buying the rental was an option as the landlord offered but my husband hated the house. I asked for more time to get stronger as I was starting therapy etc but those concerns were brushed aside, although my husband now denies I ever told him this. I did, repeatedly, so now I worried he is gaslighting me, which would be much more sinister than just been emotionally unaware).
We are both so, so stressed all the time. We haven’t had sex in over a year, we are arguing a lot. I am scared he will kill me during an argument which I realise is partly due to past traumatic experiences but also partly to how he gets so explosively angry sometimes after ignoring his emotions for so long. My health and mental health are shot to pieces. I have no job, nowhere to go. I don’t know what to do. I know I am so, so vulnerable just now. I am going to phone for an appointment with my GP, who is sympathetic, but it will probably be at least a fortnight before I can see her. I also know if I leave my husband, I won’t be able to see my therapist anymore as she is private. I feel totally trapped and unsafe.