How does one get a boyfriend?

[PandaToTheMasses]

Newbie here so be gentle with me.
I'm 45, divorced for the last 8 years and have an 11-year old son. My ex is now remarried with two kids and has reduced my son's visits to 2 days per month.

Every time I've tried to have a relationship it's ended because I can't spend enough child-free time to get to know him. I haven't had a free weekend for the last 4 years. I don't have any family here to help me and the cost of regular babysitting makes me question if it's worth going out.

I feel really stuck in a rut. Is it possible to find a new relationship? How do other people do it? Do I just wait till my son is older so I can leave the house, by which time I'm really old?

How about online? That way you can get to know them in your free time then when you are free you can arrange to meet up.

I already spend time online meeting people. But knowing someone online is pretty limited, they often are very different in person. Many times they are clever and chatter online but after meeting them in person I have more fun talking to the wall!

There’s a site called meetups, there’s groups for everything including single parents. They do days out, play dates, beach etc. You might meet someone there but you’ll definitely make friends and build your support network. If he has kids too then it may be ok to spend time together with kids to get to know him.

Do you have space to get an au-pair? You could get a male one if your son would prefer, and rather than needing like younger children would, they could cover at least one evening per week when you could join a class of some sort to maybe meet people, and another evening or weekend day if you want to go out

Do your friends have any potential decent male friends?

At 11 years, your son is presumably going to start being ok left the odd few hours as time goes on , so things change

@Caspianberg thanks, no space for an au-pair but perhaps I should have a rethink about setting aside some babysitting time, even if I do end up on some crappy dates. Argh it all takes so much bloody effort!

Does anyone out there have any good stories that end with a good relationship after divorce and kids? I need inspiration!

Sorry, no happy ending inspiration. I’m in exactly the same situation as you. Ds is 11. Ex does one weekend in seven.

Relationships fail because men want more time than I can give. I’ve decided to leave it until ds is older. It seemed the only sensible answer to me.

there's also a single parent holiday facebook group - I've only been on it a week but loads of group invites for (cheap!) holidays. I have always thought that single dads might be the way to go when it comes to finding the next guy.

And I agree that putting aside babysitting money is important - you can't meet anyone when you are at home by yourself!

Once children are 13 you can go out easily then. And especially when they are 14. You won't even be missed!

That said I can't be bothered to get a bloke. Last thing I can be bothered to see to.

I have got used to years of independence and space.

It is such a turn off when these men are so needy of our time I have never felt in need of constant time that they seem to think we must willingly avail ourselves of for them.

@PollyPelargonium52 Totally agree on the independence! I love starfishing in bed and not having a man-child to look after. I was just thinking today that I probably attract quite needy men as well.

However I still hold out hope that there is a good guy out there for me, but I feel like the choices are getting more limited as I get older. Maybe I'm better off looking for openly non-monogamous men who don't need me all the time!

Good idea Panda lol.

I have had two women actually tell me off for preferring independence.

Ridiculous in this day and age that people think I must be coupled up pronto.

Is your son able to go to a friends for a few hours or do you have a friend who could sit with him and you could return the favour ? It will get easier as he gets older it’s a difficult age as they can’t be left all day as someone else said they can be left at 13. I have a similar thing mine is 13 I don’t see why I should keep arranging childcare for a bloke I know it’s hard but sometimes waiting until they are older is easier. Or go through legal to try to get more contact etc good luck

Its because your ex is pathetic I make mine have full weekends because I couldn't get a life otherwise. Don't you and your son have lots of friends? My friends and I kid swap in weekends for sleep overs giving each other loads of flexibility on babysitting options. Do kids go for sleep overs at school friends houses nowadays? I always did and loved it, that would give you time to date.

Yes I'm well aware my ex is pathetic but it's not as simple as "making" him have full weekends when he'll probably cancel them anyway (as he often does). I think his wife imposes some of these limits too.
I did try sleepovers when DS was younger (about 7) but most parents turned us down because they still had bedwetting issues and only did it with one friend. I don't think his friend group are into sleepovers anyway now. I struggle to reciprocate babysitting favours from friends so I find it's best to pay for a sitter. Honestly I think I've tried all options.
For now I'm sticking to casual dates and working on myself.

Send your son to PGL style camps in summer or scripture union. Have some dates. I agree though it's very tricky and you want to put you son first. Not long now!

I could have built an extension or bought an Hermes bag or flown half way round the world with the money I spent paying babysitters to go out with men who weren't good enough for me but all dumped me. A succession of wannatbe players, love bombers, bores. I wasn't in love with any of them but I didn't know at what point to give up and walk away. I'd wait and see if my feelings became clearer, and then I'd get dumped!

Eventually my children grew old enough that I can leave them during the evenings (but not overnight, never) so although I'm seeing somebody now (NOT online!) it isn't easy. He is very understanding. But, I do wonder if it's a form of avoidance on his part. I can only see him once or twice a week and he is always so fine with that, so understanding, that I think ok, is he an avoidant that he can be content with this low level of being together?

Anyway my advice would be to spend money joining clubs (rather than paying babysitteers). A book club, writing club, running club, do what YOU WANT TO DO. To tell with meeting a man.

@soapona Thanks for the tip on camps. Something to save up for!

Well it seems that my conclusion is right - that I should just wait more years until he is older and I'm well into middle age.

Carry on doing what I'm doing, with my hobbies and casual dates but don't expect the time to have a real relationship until I'm in my 50s. Bloody great.

Hi @PandaToTheMasses. I'm not divorced, but was widowed at 33 whilst pregnant with second DD. I'm now 38 and have had two relationships since, the second one is currently downstairs hanging out with DD1.

You need a regular babysitter, my local teenager one is only 5 pounds an hour. Look into sleepover exchanges with other parents. Whatever works, there's always a way.

It takes time. Date once a week when sitter available. Eventually you'll feel ok about having him round when son in bed. Or even 'as a friend' when son around. Yes it takes months to get to this point but the right guy won't mind. Current BF never wanted kids of his own and is amazing with my two DD's. Find a cheap sitter and get online. Perseverance is key.

Surely a 13 year old won't need childcare mine didn't anymore.

Hi op

I just wanted to say hang in there & send a positive message as requested in one of your posts....
I have ds 2.5years, 4/7 with me which includes every weekend & fridays.
I online dated - hated it & gave up!
I met my bf in a soft play when he was out with his ds.
So there is hope! You never know what is around the corner ...
Take care

I was a single parent for 13yrs PandaToTheMasses
I wasn't really looking for a relationship, was quite happy on my own with dd.
I met now DH on a works night out. I was 28, dd was 13.
DH learned quickly that I couldn't go out without notice, or go away for the weekend.He was happy to spend most of our time together at my house or with dd.

I have come to the realisation that I just have no time to fit anything else in! It's pretty sad though.
Op you said you do chat online, is there any particular places you recommend?

I'm in the same boat. I'm going to think about a new hobby or club I can try to expand my social circle in the hope of meeting someone! My DS is 12 now so he can be left a couple of hours one evening a week maybe, if I'm local. Where do I start??

Can I ask what the name is of the single parents holiday Facebook group please?

I really struggled financially with dating when I was single. I had a fair few dates with one guy and obviously didn’t want him always paying for everything but I couldn’t keep up with the meals out, cinema etc. Also I kept wanting new clothes for dates!