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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Irrational behaviour

13 replies

amethyst69 · 02/07/2019 06:01

Yesterday I came home to H announcing he was leaving the nursing course he has wanted to o for years (he's 47) because he isn't paid enough. He does it through OU whilst working as band 2 on ICU (lucky as most people get a bursary if anything). He's decided he would rather look for a band 3 post than do the final 14 months where after qualification he will jump to band 5. I was shocked, not least because this isn't a reason (it equates to about £10 a week more) and two days earlier he was chatting to a friend about his much he was enjoying it and couldn't wait to qualify. And to me about how well it's going and how people positively view him as a student nurse. I asked if it was because he was worried about his latest assignment. No. He has historically left them all to the last minute and then been angry when he only passed by the skin of his teeth (one fail). He then said he's felt this way for ages. When I asked why he hadn't discussed it earlier or had he spoken to his tutor he said it was nothing to do with us. This angered me not least because I have supported him all along, and things deteriorated from there. He accused me of not being supportive when he was stressed yet I suggested the other week he may be mildly depressed/stressed as he was always tired, not eating, low mood etc but I was dismissed at the time. It ended in him being insulting and verbally nasty. He's having counselling at the moment and it seems his mood swings and unpredictability are getting worse but this rash and illogical decision is out of the blue. Add that to borrowing money for who knows what and not telling me and I'm concerned. We did have couples counselling once where he lied about things and ultimately walked out when challenged so I'm not even convinced he will be honest with the current counsellor. Any thoughts on what's going on here welcomed!!!

OP posts:
KOKOtiltomorrow · 02/07/2019 06:19

Hi OP. This is the time Unis have their exam boards where all students grades for the year are rubber stamped so they can progress to the next year. I know OU is a bit different to other courses for nursing but is it possible he has failed his year/ modules and is not being allowed to progress any further but doesn’t want to admit this?

amethyst69 · 02/07/2019 06:24

Hi. Hes definitely passed as he had a meeting about his final year placements with his tutor to fill in all the forms plus he wouldn't be able to see any of the new module resources etc.

OP posts:
KOKOtiltomorrow · 02/07/2019 06:28

In that case he may just be realising he doesn’t want to be a registered nurse - the role looks very different when you are a health care support worker than when you actually imagine yourself qualified. Maybe the thought of the responsibility is too much for him??

category12 · 02/07/2019 06:30

Where do you think the money went? Gambling, drugs, alcohol, prostitutes, hidden debt, OW? Does he have any history of this kind of thing? I'd be thinking the erratic moods, vanishing cash and chucking it in are connected somehow.

amethyst69 · 02/07/2019 06:41

Kiki he relishes the responsibility and loves his student placements. When he's been on placement in his own ward he is working as a qualified nurse already ( with clear supervision) as they see his capabilities so whilst I can understand the thinking it just doesn't ring true. The problems have been with the academic side. He's also qualified as band 3 with a raft of additional training under his belt.
Category 12 - he arrived with past debt which he didn't disclose ( even after the money conversation of new couples!) So yes there is history of debt and hiding things. Not sure about gambling. This is really what I'm worried about. The connection.

OP posts:
category12 · 02/07/2019 06:50

What was the cause of his original debt, do you know? Was it all cleared?

amethyst69 · 02/07/2019 06:52

Eventually yes. It was from payday loans and utilities from 2012. It all caught up with him when he appeared on the electoral role at home.

OP posts:
amethyst69 · 02/07/2019 15:20

Update is him now refusing to discuss. Nothing wrong. My problem. Due to go to a concert for my 50th tonight. Not going find someone else. So I have. Me and my son will have a ball 😊

OP posts:
MarieG10 · 02/07/2019 15:55

To get this far and leave is plain stupid. Even if he decides he doesn't want to do it, at least get the qualification and then he has it under his belt.

Only you can decide what to do as it is part of what makes him who he is. I couldn't be with someone with his lack of drive

HollowTalk · 02/07/2019 16:00

I'm never certain with this sort of thread why an intelligent woman would stay with the man. Can you explain it, OP?

amethyst69 · 02/07/2019 16:47

I don't judge people hollow talk. What is an easy decision for me from a piece of writing is complex for the OP so other than offering advice and gratefully receiving it, there's no expectations. Why do some people stay in jobs they hate? Why do done people eat good that gives them heartburn? It's big about intelligence or lack of.

OP posts:
category12 · 03/07/2019 06:18

Hope you had fun at the gig.

Walkacrossthesand · 03/07/2019 08:16

Happy belated 50th!

I suppose some people's true character seeps out very slowly - there may be some clues early on, but they only make sense as time goes by and more & more behaviours emerge. It's looking like he's not a good decision maker (previous bad financial decisions leading to debt), not very consistent, and not open to challenge/honest discussion. In short, not the man you thought you were marrying, and unlikely from the sound of it to be invested in any reflection or change (lied then quit counselling).

I fear I'd be seriously considering quitting the relationship here. Sorry.

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