Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

When/how did you know leaving was the right choice?

14 replies

Midnight514 · 02/07/2019 02:14

Hi all. long time lurker first time poster.

Im at a bit of a crossroads with my relationship. Although things are generally good, im not sure I'm happy anymore. Im starting to feel its relationship of convenience although we both do love each other. We have 3 children.

I guess im scared and i just dont know what to do, or how to proceed. So id like to ask if anyone could share their experiences about how you knew that leaving your relationship was the best thing for you?
Has anyone left a relationship and realised it was a mistake to do so?

OP posts:

pashola · 02/07/2019 02:43

Following with interest.

My DH and I are currently separated as a trial, part of me thinks we need to make it permanent but the sometimes I waver and I'm not sure.
I really don't know what to do and I'm stuck worried I'll make the wrong decision

Original poster

Midnight514 · 03/07/2019 00:34

Hi @pashola sorry to hear you are feeling the same.

I guess in my case there has been no "deal breaker" type of behavior(cheating, abuse, etc) which is making me question myself. It feels silly to leave a generally good relationship (which would no doubt effect our children) just because i dont feel happy. But then i switch between thinking, 'well don't i deserve to be happy?', and that maybe this is as happy as i would be with anyone

May i ask you, has your separation helped you at all?

OP posts:

pashola · 03/07/2019 01:26

May i ask you, has your separation helped you at all?

In my situation there was some mental abuse happening so the separation had to happen and tbh it should have happened a lot sooner.
The thing is (and I know this gets said a lot here) but he is genuinely a good guy who had a horrible upbringing and I think didn't know any better.
He's the husband that all my friends wished they had, does he's share, if not more, around the house, involved with the kids, not controlling financially or in any other way etc etc but due to our history I just couldn't move forward treading on eggshells.

The separation has helped a little, we needed the space for the above reasons but I'm still not sure of my final decision.
I think he is the only one to love me like I want to be loved and know with him getting help we can be great again but it's a bit too little too late for me.

I worry about being alone if I decide to split permanently and I worry about not being 100% happy if I stay with him.

If you were my friend asking me I'd tell you to do what makes you happy. I think if you're questioning that with your DH then maybe it is time for you to leave and find that happiness but I fully understand how hard that decision is, I'm always thinking what if it's the wrong decision and I've hurt people in the process?

I do know though that kids are very resilient, the will cope with whatever decision you make.
My DH has been gone for a month now and my kids are fine. They miss him but they also see him very regularly and we're getting along better when we do see each other as we're not in each other's face all the time.

I'm not sure how old you are (I'm 35 and have been married for 15yrs) and I just know I don't want to get to my 40's still asking myself the same question.

CodLiverOil556 · 03/07/2019 02:16

My H and I split 6 months ago. I look at him now and feel nothing. There was no real deal breaker as such but his grumpiness and general misery killed my love for him slowly but surely.

I've been dating for the last few months and have met some really lovely men and have found one that is currently ticking all the right boxes

pashola · 03/07/2019 03:53

@kermitrulesok can I ask how your exH handled it?

My DH absolutely does not want to separate and has moved out begrudgingly, he is getting counselling which I think is a good step and he is trying so hard to make things work between us and I think assumes we will get back together.
As I said I'm still not sure and I have so much guilt at the thought of breaking his heart.

Is your ex happy? Do you get along well?

Nat6999 · 03/07/2019 04:04

The night I came home from work & realised that I couldn't spend another night in the same house as my husband. We had tea & before bedtime I had packed for myself & ds & we were in a travelodge for the night. I never went back to him & we were divorced within 9 months. I'd been friends with someone else, we were both attracted to each other but had been dancing around avoiding getting in to a relationship, we were living together fairly soon afterwards. I've never regretted it, only regretted the fact that I married him in the first place, he's been a useless father to ds & was a useless husband.

CodLiverOil556 · 03/07/2019 05:09

@pashola he is absolutely devastated by the whole thing. He offered to change but it was too little too late. I told him he'd had his chance with me and I gave him lots of opportunities to change but he ignored me!

He takes every chance he gets to snipe at me now and he's becoming very bitter which is a shame but it totally reinforces my decision and confirms it was the correct one I made.

You only live once and life is too bloody short to waste on someone that doesn't make you their priority. You should be the absolute centre of someone's world...the first and last thing they think of every day/night.

pashola · 06/07/2019 02:07

Just seeing how you are @Midnight514 😊

Chickenish · 06/07/2019 04:47

When I realised I was afraid to eat in front of him.

Tippletopple · 06/07/2019 11:26

@kermitrulesok: Regarding... "You should be the absolute centre of someone's world...the first and last thing they think of every day/night."

Unfortunately for me (or whoever I'm with) I'm afraid that's gonna be the kids..

IWantMyHatBack · 06/07/2019 11:29

When you're at home alone do you look forward to him coming back, or do you dread it. When you get back and he's out, are you a little relieved.

Do you miss him when you're not with him?

Sheepdog100 · 06/07/2019 11:40

I think there is a danger of linking happiness to relationships. I have ended relationships in the past as I didn’t feel totally happy. However when they ended, I still didn’t feel happy so it clearly wasn’t only that that was making me feel the way I did.

When you say the relationship is generally good, what is it that you think is missing and how do you think you could get that back?

I think with 3 children it is worth trying to find solutions rather than ending things in this quest for happiness.

There are no guarantees that a new relationship would make you happy. If you follow the dating thread on here, you will see that often it makes you unhappy!

Relationships stagnate for lots of people and often it’s not possible to get that spark back but until you try you will never know.

Do you still have intimacy with him or is that side of things dead because I know from experience that lack of connection can cause mental well-being to suffer.

Original poster

Midnight514 · 07/07/2019 00:49

Thank you all for sharing your stories. I really appreciate it.

@IWantMyHatBack its a bit of both i guess. I do miss him, and enjoy spending time with him but then other times id be happy if it was just me and the kids. Sorry, i suppose that doesnt help

@Sheepdog100
Thank you for your post. I agree with a lot of what you have said. Id just like to mention i would not be looking for a new relationship to find this happiness. I more wonder if i would be happier just me and the kids. We are still intimate, as much as always. Sometimes its 'one sided', but not an issue really.

I suppose im not quiet sure what we are missing. Maybe it just is that "spark", or bit of passion. You are right about linking happiness to relationships. I worry i am doing that and maybe its just me that is the problem which is why i really dont know how to proceed. I have felt this way for a while now. On and off ill wonder if im better off alone.

@pashola thank you for checking in. Im and doing alright. Just feeling... confused. You mentioned about getting into your 40s and feeling the same. I have just turned 30 and am thinking the exact same thing.

I apologize if i have not made much sense, im finding it a bit hard to express myself. I understand i havent given much information about myself either, am happy to do so if it helps.

OP posts:

Anotheranxiousone · 09/02/2024 20:50

IWantMyHatBack · 06/07/2019 11:29

When you're at home alone do you look forward to him coming back, or do you dread it. When you get back and he's out, are you a little relieved.

Do you miss him when you're not with him?

This hit me hard as it speaks to exactly how I feel :/

Flip