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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

A little help please people

8 replies

TSK12 · 01/07/2019 21:18

Hi all,

I need some advice on my current situation please.
I have been with my SO for almost 7 years. We also have a 5 y/o DS. Since I got pregnant we have lived together in his mothers house. During my pregnancy he broke up with me at least twice and would sometimes go days without speaking to me. About 1.5 years ago he broke up with me and I moved back to my mums (about 4 mins away). We very easily co-parented DS and continued to spend a lot of time together. He started seeing someone from work very soon after the split but was incredibly shady about her. After 8 or so months we decided to try again and I moved back in, only for him to change his mind completely and continue seeing the other woman on weekends. The living situation got volatile and ended abruptly in December when he attacked me and I called the police. I very much doubt he feels remorse for what he has done and even tried to make me feel bad for having him arrested as it could affect his career. Since then we have tried to work things out and up until recently it has been very pleasant. During our time apart last year, I too started seeing someone else, he found out and couldn't deal with the fact I could move on so quickly (hypocrite much?)
He has vocalised that he doesn't trust me going out as he feels like I can meet other people and it lead to something greater. Please note that I have never been unfaithful, so goodness knows where this mistrust of me going out has come from. I went out at the weekend to watch my cousin do some stand up comedy and since then he hasn't spoken a word to me, only sent me a message to say he has told me how he feels about when I go out so if he is acting funny with me then I know why. At the moment I feel stuck, I'm torn between feeling angry for him having the cheek to act so rude and childish and hurt because he feels it is ok to treat me this way. But I also think, how can I put up with this for the supposed rest of my life. He refuses to do any sort of couples therapy and I know I may be being foolish in thinking this could ever possibly work. I'm worried about things ending more in terms of DS. He has previously stated several times that he will take me to court and pay people to lie about my character (That I do drugs in front of DS and would also pay men to say the have had relations with me in front of DS). I would easily have shared parental responsibility, however feel like he would be difficult. He has and earns a lot more money than I do and has also said he would throw as much money as he could in order to win full custody of his son.
Any advice welcome. ThanksSmile

OP posts:
Ayemama · 01/07/2019 22:44

You can't live like that.
He attacked you. He has shown you his true colours and now he's trying to isolate and restrain your movements. It's classic controlling behaviour.
Contact a lawyer and speak to them so you know where you stand.
Is any of his controlling behaviour or threats in writing of any sort?
If it is make copies of everything and leave them somewhere safe like your mothers or a friends.
I've also been in an abusive relationship and they destroy your self confidence and can be so good at controlling you that you stop seeing things properly but I couldn't live in a situation where I felt scared and powerless.

If it's documented that he's attacked you before it's very unlikely he would ever get full custody.

Cherrysoup · 01/07/2019 22:49

Are you still living with him? He sounds sociopathic. Surely you can't carry on living him?

Hanab · 01/07/2019 22:52

Run ... you know he is not good for you ..

You can amicably co-parent you don’t have to be in a relationship

toffeeapple123 · 01/07/2019 23:34

This is never going to work. Do you have friends or family you can stay/live with? You need to get away. He's abusive - classic textbook case.

artio0 · 01/07/2019 23:39

He sounds like the scum of the earth. You deserve a thousand times better.

Like Ayemama said, speak to a lawyer and see what you can do, but be careful he doesn't find out. I wish you good luck!

Chocmallows · 01/07/2019 23:40

Do you look after your DS more than him currently?

Courts care about the best interests of a DC, not the arguments between parents. They are likely to support an existing pattern of care or 50.50 care - not full care to him.

BackforGood · 01/07/2019 23:55

Please get help. Women's Aid

You know this man is abusive. Not just the physical violence but the control, emotional abuse and threats.
Please get yourself the right support. If you won't do it for yourself, do it for your dc.

TSK12 · 02/07/2019 11:58

Thank you all so much. @Ayemama I have a letter he wrote me last year with a list of demands proposing DC stays with him fulltime. It told me when I would be able to see him, speak to him etc. He expected me to sign and agree to it no questions asked! & I have all my messages from him backed up for this exact reason. The clouds in my vision are definitely starting to clear now. @Cherrysoup I spend some nights at his house but do not live there, so I don't feel as trapped as I have felt before. @Chocmallows I have always looked after DC more, he only steps up when he absolutely has to - even when we previously co-parented DC would be fed clothed bathed by his mum. It is absolutely ridiculous that he thinks he wold be able to cope with him full time.
I was unsure of my next steps, but thank you - I will definitely contact a lawyer & womens aid.

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