It's done.

[ColdAndSad]

Eighteen months ago I started a thread here about my husband and son. It's here.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3103906-So-worn-down-and-fed-up

Since then I've been trying to sort myself out, and find my path again. I've not achieved much, but one thing I have worked out is that I can't cope with my husband's drinking and bad temper any more.

We had a horrible weekend. He lost his temper on Friday night and called me names, didn't remember doing it on Saturday (because he was so drunk he was blacking out), and then he lost his temper with me again last night, although not so badly.

And then this morning he left without saying goodbye, and he locked my cat out of the house on purpose. We've only had her a few weeks, she's very timid, and she's been really ill, so this was an awful thing to do.

It felt like yet another last straw. I knew I'd have to talk with him this evening about curbing his 80 units a week drinking habit, and sorting himself out, but it was all too big for me to cope with. So I went to his parents, who have always encouraged me to talk to them and have told me they know he has a bad temper, and I told them everything. I asked them not to talk to him until he'd been home and I'd said my piece, and came home, to find my youngest in tears. Husband had phoned, said his parents had told him everything, and he was coming home.

So that meant he had a 45 minute drive to get himself into a lather.

He got home, and just ignored me. Went to find our son, told him that he's got to leave for a while, and left.

I phoned his parents to let them knowI'd said I wouldand his mother laid into me. Said that if anything happens to her boy, there'll be hell to pay. She said there'd be as much mud slinging as she could stir up. That if he crashed his car because he was so upset it would all be my fault, that I'd made everything up, and that she's never liked me. At that point I said that if she thought I'd lied I had nothing more to say to her, and hung up.

And now my son (who has been so much better since I started my last post) is in tears, and can't speak, and I don't know what's happening and I don't know what to do next.

I'm shaking. I can't believe he's gone.

This is the start of the rest of your life! It’s hard now but it’s going to get 100% better, i’m certain.

Well done for doing what you did, be strong, keep yourself safe, access all the trustworthy support that you can. You have enough responsibilities and this man is no longer your problem.

Just be clear that whatever silliness he engages with in anger will be done deliberately to make you feel bad.

Don't.

He's an adult and his choices are his.

Well done for getting rid and stay strong. His parents were always going to side with him but you are out of it now x

I do feel relief that I won't have to put up with the crushing boredom and anxiety of another evening with him drinking. So that's good. But I have no money, no access to our bank accounts, nothing. I am expecting him to cut off my credit card any minute.

If your credit card is in your name then he legally can't cut it off.

(He could stop paying the bills, but thats a separate thing)

I stronyly sugggest getting advice from WA as your marriage sounds like it was fianaiclly abusive.

It's a card with my name on it, but it's his account. We each have a card on that account. So he could, I suppose.

I'll speak to WA in a bit. This is all so awful.

Well your asshole alcoholic soon to be ex husband certainly inherited his charm from his cunt parents! If he crashes his car it's his own damn fault! He's pickled his liner and his brain so ignore him and get to a solicitor ASAP and sue him for divorce on grounds of unreasonable behavior-ignore his parents they're losers and one day soon they'll be out of your life and maybe they'll have their son move in with them and can enjoy his charms 24/7

"Pickled his liver"thanks autocorrect

I didn't want to read and run.

As another PP has said, this is the first day of the rest of your life. Get yourself whatever help you can find- women's aid, al-anon, rights of women, the local council, CAB etc. Find out what you're entitled to financially and get it. By getting help you'll realise how strong you are and how much better life is when you're not living with an abusive alcoholic.

Leave your H to his parents. He will succumb to the drink again soon and they will see for themselves exactly how things are.

You deserve far more. Take the chance you've been given.

Thank you everyone.

I've left a message for Women's Aid to call me back, and I'm assembling paperwork to see what I need to do tomorrow. It's all so sad and so avoidable. But at least I'm not sitting here listening to him snore as he sleeps off the evening's drinking, which is good.

You're brave to have done what you did. You won't have a half life, it will be on your terms and never forget the MN vipers are always here to support you x

Just back from meetings at three different banks. I was told at each of them that the things my husband has done amount to identity theft and fraud. One bank told me they think he's using accounts in my name to launder money. They're not going to do anything until I go back and tell them again. They asked if I was safe, and said they felt I would be very vulnerable if my husband knew I'd worked it all out.

I've spoken to the police, so there's a marker on our house. I've registered my mobile with the 999 SMS service. What else do I need to do?

I'm all over the place.

Do a massive food shop now while you still have access to money - so that if he does somehow cut your card off you’ve enough food in the house to last a while.

I'm going out in ten minutes to do just that. Thank you, though. Very good advice.

Can you get cash back at the till?

Another great idea--thank you. I've got some cash hoarded away but that's a really good idea.

Holy cow, so lucky you spoke to the banks when you did or he could have framed you for being in on it.

Before I read that I was going to say, - have nothing further to do with the parents either. They are clearly two-faced, toxic narcissists.

Oh and fyi, if he wraps his car round a tree now-it'll be entirely his own fault..and tbh, he fecken deserves it.

I would start looking into lawyers because you might have to prove that you have no involvement in his fraud at some point (not to make you paranoid of course but just incase). Divorce lawyers too obviously.

I’m sorry, horrible situation but this is the beginning of your second act. It may start off rough, but it WILL get better. In terms of things left to do, as a PP said, do a big food shop. Also fill your fuel tank up and a couple of Jerry cans to make sure you’ve fuel to get around. Can you put credit on your water, fuel etc as well to see you through, just in case you’re unable to pay them in a couple of months?

You mentioned you’re estranged from family. Is this because of reasons relating to your husband? If so, I’m sure they’d only be too happy to help you. And even if it isn’t, perhaps they’d still be happy to help you and perhaps build some bridges.

I'm all over the place

You actually sound really together considering everything that's happened in the past few days. Well done.

As others have said, do a massive food shop, get some cash back and make sure you fill your car up so you have fuel to drive if you need too.

Massive food shop done and put away. I did remember ice cream, but I forgot to get cashback, but will do another massive food shop tomorrow and fill up my car and get cashback then. Our house is very remote, so I can't get anywhere without my car.

I've been keeping a very private online journal since last summer, which is all dated, which will help if and when we do end up in court.

I'll phone round some lawyers tomorrow to see if I can get a quick appointment.

I'm applying for detailed credit checks, which should show all the bank accounts opened in my name--just in case there are some I've not discovered yet. Then I'll sort those out ASAP. I bet there will be some.

And I'm telling our children everything, as I find out. They're both over 18 and I don't think I've done them any favours by not talking to them about their father's drinking, and anger. It's enabled him to continue with his horrible behaviours. And they're old enough to know. I'm not being judgemental, or mean, just telling them what I've found out and what's going on. I can't carry all this on my own. They're being very supportive and are as gobsmacked about it all as I am.

(And for those who asked, I'm estranged from my parents because they're abusive dreadful people, so there's no help to be found there, sadly.)

What if he comes back? Can you lock the doors from the inside? Sorry to see you have no support from your parents. Sending strength and hugs x

If you’re filling up the car buy a couple of Jerry cans at the garage and fill those too - you can store them in your garage or shed and it’ll give you a reserve if you need it.

I’ve seen people suggest buying gift cards as a way to “store” money without the cash back limit - buying a few Tesco cards will mean you can keep buying groceries (or petrol) even if your cash cards get stopped.

Also think about your utilities and mobile phone bills - how do those get paid? Can you buy credit ahead of use etc.

Please stop communicating with his parents. They are unable to blame their son and they used you to get a headsup..

Congratulations on accepting it is futile. It gets better.

My xmil was vile to me when i left her abusive son so i cut her off. I dont care. You will stop caring. They will both become so peripheral to you one day you will shrug over what they think.

Please stop communicating with his parents.

Don't worry. I have blocked their phone numbers and will have nothing more to do with them. They are so horribly toxic. I am done with them.

You sound so together. Well done.

I don't know what to say other than I am in awe of you. You are being so incredibly strong about all of this.