controlling husband who prioritises his mother

[readingbored]

I have been married 7 years and have two children 5 and 3. My husband and I were both single for a long time before getting together. There were some alarm bells before we got married but I had thought things would improve once we married and he considered us a family unit.

There are several issues:

1. He feels very responsible and duty bound to his mother who lives 5 minutes from us. I thought the unbilical chord might get broken once we moved in together got married and had kids, and my parents counselled me this would be the case, so I went ahead and got married. This is considerably worse since she has been widowed 2 years into our marriage. His mother asks him constantly to help her with administrative tasks and jobs round her house. He does so willingly and prioritises this above things needing doing at our home. He is grumpy and resentful when I ask for any help with anything, but happy to help him mum always. He also prioritises her needs. If he wants to attend a sports event, she gets to go in priority to me. Last year she went and I babysat. This year I asked him if she could reciprocate, to which I got the reply no; she is now also coming, and his (also widowed) Aunt. I don't always want to have his family tagging along, and sometimes just want time with him or with him and my kids. She is very bossy, snobby and demanding. I get on OK with her, so it's not a matter of us not getting on, it's that I feel really sad not being his number one priority. In reality she and the kids are prioritised before me. She has not a great deal of emotional intellect, so she doesn't know that she is getting in the way or being overly demanding. She has never really worked a proper professional job, so has no comprehension of how little time we have to just get things done at home. As a SAHM, only working a few hours once he kids were teens, she enjoyed cake baking, flower arranging, and socialising, and doesn't "get it" about how people live today. She just expects him to practically replace his father in her life in terms of providing company and help. My MIL had a number of miscarriages before she had my husband and he was a bit of a miracle baby, so she has always put him on a pedestal. Every sports achievement etc. is worshipped sycophantically! His sister (adopted) always jokes their family room has a shrine to him, as it has all pictures of his achievements up (none of hers).

1. My DH is very much like his mother and also has low emotional intelligence/ lack of empathy. I have a strong suspicion he suffers from OCPD, as he has anxiety, lack of empathy, hoarding tendencies, perfection obsession, control issues. His mother is a perfectionist and she has made him like that too, so much so that he suffers from anxiety and fear from getting things wrong or letting a ball drop or showing any weakness. It's a real issue He also is controlling with money and seriously critical if I accidentally break anything or get anything wrong myself. Some examples:

a. the car has a tyre bulge; he immediately blames me for not being careful (regardless of whether I caused it or him) b. I crack our glass hob as something drops out of a cupboard onto it. I get the silent treatment for 24 hours. c. part of the laptop (the detachable) harddrive and slips off lap onto floor, isn't damaged, but I get a dressing down like a child about never being careful enough about anything. d. I can't open a plastic sandwich bag without tearing - he patronises me in front of kids and again tells me off for damaging the bag. e. he wipes the side of the bath while I am showering and tuts. f. when I was at risk of redundancy last year and weighing up less well paid job (but which would make me happier), he provided zero emotional support, but prepared a budget spreadsheet to bully me into not accepting the other job. I remain in my current, somewhat joyless job, and bitter with him about it (he also had panic attacks at night and emotionally bullied me into not leaving my current job). The spreadsheet set out all the things I would need to give up, but he retained his luxuries. before moving in together he created a similar spreadsheet, and told me all cost of our cats were mine, and I had a larger lunch liability, as I bought (working long hours) and he made at home. g. I do some gardening, he comes over criticises how I am doing it and takes over (I am perfectly capable). h. he watched kids sports day videos over and over to see where they (and he in the dads race) could improve.

The result of the above is I feel unempowered, I start to lose my confidence doing things myself, and there are things I now don't know how to do that I could do when I lived by myself (e.g. wiring up the lounge TV). As a matter of control / no one but he or his mother can attain the standards he requires, he doesn't like me touching certain things, so I never learn how to do them. I feel undermined and angry. I also don't think it's setting our children (both girls) a good example. It's even more frustrating then when I ask him to help with those tasks and all I get is grumpiness, or am ignored.

I have tried raising both the issues above previously with DH. I have done so in anger and I have done so calmly and lovingly. Neither approach works. He is just defensive and refuses to change or accept and responsibility for his behaviour.

I have considered counselling for myself, but while no doubt there are things I can work on, right now I think the focus on me will make me feel even worse, and annoyed that he is not also doing something to improve the situation.

I doubt he would go to counselling for marriage - he thinks we just have arguments same as anyone else, but despite me telling him so many times that things are making me unhappy, he appears to have no awareness of that. He would not accept being criticised I don't think.

It's worth saying I don't believe he is a bad person, he just deals with things badly and doesn't know how to interact in a good way in a relationship. His parents are very much to blame for that as they are somewhat dysfunctional and his sister, and this has been the environment which has formed him. I was the first long term relationship he had had, and he for me too (Though I believe I have a little more awareness of the impact any of my less good personality traits).

Therefore any suggestions or views on the above welcome.
Thank you

I think you should make plans to end this. He won't change and you deserve better.

OMG this might not be helpful but I would honestly tell him to move in with his mummy.
I feel sorry for his sister as well

I feel sorry for the sister too.

Prioritising his mother and children isn’t necessarily always a bad thing but I agree about ending things because this goes above and beyond what is normal, acceptable or even tolerable.

Oops posted too soon. There are some things that will never change, his relationship with his mother is one.

There are some things that can change. You just do what you want. Take the job, rewire the room, do the gardening. And when he comments, choose a phrase that you use, may I suggest, "I'm fine DH" or "please just leave me too it". Ignore the sulking and walk away from the tellings off (or laugh, that's what I would do but I'm too old for that shot).

Ultimately I think he's too set in his ways and you'll end up splitting. But don't let him change your behaviour to suit him. He doesn't afford you the same privilege.

This isnt a good relationship and for your childrens sake I would tell him to move in with his mum and get yourself back

This sounds toxic, OP. If one of your daughters told you this, what would you advise?

Something is keeping you still with this man so what is it?.
What do you get out of this relationship now?.

Controlling behaviours like you describe here re him are abusive behaviours and are about power and control. Like his mother no doubt he is not taking any responsibility for his actions here (another hallmark of abusive people). Whatever the reasons for he being like this now towards you (and he would have acted the same regardless of whom he married) he is very much a product of his own dysfunctional upbringing at the hands of his abusive mother. He in turn is abusive towards you as his wife. Life in your house sounds utterly grim for you and in turn your children because you are all walking on eggshells around him. Such men too are rarely if ever solely financially abusive and yes he is financially abusive towards you as well. He kept you in your rotten current job deliberately and actively prevented you from finding alternative employment.

Where do you see yourself in say five years time, still with your H?. Please do not remain with such a man simply and only because of your children. This is no legacy to leave them.

There were many red flags re him before you married but you went ahead and married him anyway (your parents were also wrong about their son in law being able to cut that cord). The only good thing it could be argued to have come out of your marriage at all are your two girls. Would you want them to have a marriage like this, no you would not and you've already suggested as much.

Joint counselling is a non starter here anyway because of the abuse. I would go to counselling on your own to talk about your marriage and life with him in both a calm and safe environment. I would also consider seeking legal advice with a view to separating from him. You do not need to act on this immediately but knowledge after all is power. Womens Aid here are certainly worth contacting as are the Rights of Women organisations.

This is an awful pressure to live under in always playing second fiddle to his mother. This will grind you down unless you can make a plan to leave

OP, your 'DH' sounds just like my dad, and my dad is a narcissist. Sounds like his mum is one too (so was my grandmother) and your 'D'H is the golden child in his family (his mother puts him on a pedestal)

He is emotionally and financially abusing you and if you dont escape this relationship, your DD's will suffer.

My mum used to put my dads behaviour down to autism/OCD/perfectionism but really she was just enabling his abuse and I have alot of resentment towards her now because of it.

Both me and my DS ending up being tragically codependent with huge anxiety (from being shouted at for even the most minor mistakes or breaking a cup etc.) and in abusive relationships our whole adult lives. Is this really what you want for you DD? I guarantee if you stay, this is the life you will be setting them up for.

He seems to have no empathy because he has no empathy. He doesnt care how his behaviour affects you and DD's which is why he is completely unwilling to discuss this or change. He will never change, even with counselling.

He belittles you, puts you down, gives you the silent treatment (stonewalling), explosive (narcissistic) rage, expects you to cater for his emotional needs but wont do the same for you (relationships with narcs are always one sided unless they want something), is financially controlling (expects you to cut back on things but will spend on HIS luxuries), won't help around the house but will for his DM. It's all designed to let you know how insignificant you are to him. I bet he shows very little day to day interest in parenting and you do all the shit jobs and legwork?

Men like this are essentially 3 year olds trapped in a mans body. All your conversations/arguments will be cyclical and pointless because he doesnt care to see your side. You are wasting your breath getting a narc to see your side or care.

Things will never get better if you stay. My 71 year old DM still puts up with this abuse and its very hard to watch. My dad is also like this with his DGC so they never change.

@readingbored this sounds utterly toxic to me. His relationship with his mother and its effect on him and his relationship to you. Have a read of 'The Truth' by Neil Strauss. Not someone I'd have recommended before he wrote that book but it is a seriously eye opening account of how a mother can affect a mans relational ability.

Please google the word narcissist, then look at the description you have put here!
Mine was the same. Ultimately, his mother meant more to him that his home, marriage and kids. I am divorcing him after 20yrs of marriage and a wasted life serving him/her.
Please, Please don’t waste your life on someone who clearly won’t change....what will he do when she dies? Who will he be then?

Plan your escape quietly and effectively ( get all paperwork together, bank statements, mortgage, birth certs, passports. Open your own bank account, have benefits transferred to there) seek help from women’s aid in your area, since January 2019 controlling behaviour falls under abuse laws and they can help with a legal aid solicitor. It’s hard, but not as hard as being made to feel nothing.

Thanks for the support. It’s good to have a gauge as to whether his behaviour is acceptable or not and my family give advice, but of course they are biased.

My DH does do a lot of weekly jobs in the home, his fair share but avoids helping with additional things like hanging pictures, sorting rooms for decorating and other things I put effort into without repeatedly being asked. I just get told he has no time to do them, and then li and behold 5 minutes later he’ll be helping his mum with something.

I would like him to sometimes back off helping her; she so often wants help for things I know she could do, she just can’t be bothered/ thinks it’s a man’s job.

My husband’s sister does deserve sympathy, but her reaction to her mother has been to battle with her, rebel and be the black sheep in the family. Their mum has impacted the so differently but negatively in both cases.

Despite it being like treading on eggshells, and feeling deprioritised, I have so far stayed for a number of reasons: the children, he genuinely isn’t a bad intentioned person, he has zero awareness his behaviour isn’t great as he has always been told he’s great, and those behaviour were clearly normal in his family. I am sure some of the difficulties are worsened by fact we are short of time and have two small children and things should improve on that front. I was single for a long time before I met him and am terrified of being alone again and a harder life, when he isn’t criticising and ignoring my needs, we get on great and do love each other. I am still hopeful there must be an alternative solution to leaving.

I also am forever questioning how much i contribute to the issues. My own father was abusive to my mother physically and emotionally. They are still together. I have known this since my late teens. It makes me particularly wary of someone behaving similarly to me but it’s possible I have found someone with similar traits to him - autocratic and controlling. My father has a worse temper. I am very quick to lose patience with my husbands behaviour, and struggle to respond calmly. No doubt learnt behaviour from my parents. I am also fairly sensitive like my mother, but I have no idea if exceptionally so. We are both told we are as criticism and a defence / victim behaviour from our husbands, but perhaps we are just responding naturally to unreasonable behaviour. I struggle to know where I am at fault and where I am not. If I ever try to address an issue with my husband he always manages to turn the blame on me and make himself the victim. He’ll take focus from himself into me. I know he’s doing it, but I become unsure and start to think perhaps he’s right and I’m the one causing the issues. It’s that lack of sureness about myself I hate, hence looking for some validation and perspective here.

I agree with those of you who recommend at least getting information about legal situation and making sure my house is in order in case I want to go down the separation route.

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents and what did yours teach you?

It’s not you, it’s him.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here from you both?

You married a man not too dissimilar to your own dad and you are acting as your mother did now.

OP, I can totally understand your fears about being alone but you are in denial about how bad this is, for you and your DD's

Everyone who has been in a relationship with a narcissist is made to feel it is their fault, they are being unreasonable and doubt themselves. This is because he has most likely gaslighted you so you no longer trust your reactions. Narcs are particularly expert at making you feel this way because they will never accept responsibility, will always blame shift and turn anything you say back around to make you the perpetrator and them the victim.

Please at the very least read Lundy Bancroft why does he do that.

The fact that you were raised in an abusive household makes it hard for you to decipher what is abusive and what isn't, when it is so clear to those who have had a healthy childhood or healed from their own trauma.

You really only have two options. 1. let the abuse cycle continue and stay with this man, which I guarantee will make your DD susceptible to abuse when they are adults and you will therefore be an enabler or 2. leave and live a happy and healthy life with your DD's.

There really is no other alternative. I guarantee he cant change, no matter how nicely you put things/threaten to leave/go for counselling.

I know that's a hard pill to swallow and noone can make that choice for you but you have to accept that this will be your life forever if you stay. Is it really worth it just to not be 'alone'? I think you have codependency issues yourself (people pleaser/fear of being alone) which you may find counselling helpful. I found YouTube videos by Lisa Roman on codependency really helpful.

I am saying this to you because I have lived this life on both sides of the coin and it has destroyed my life. Please dont do it to your DD's

P.s I think you are focussing on the wrong issue here. Who cares about how much he does for his mum.

He's abusing you and you are in denial. That's the real issue here which I know is harder to accept than him doing too much for his mum but the longer you stay in denial, the worse it will become.

Better to be alone than to be so badly accompanied. You are lonely in your marriage and what you describe is akin to death by 1000 cuts.

Staying also and mainly for the sake of the children is a terrible idea frankly and a very heavy burden to place upon them. They are not going to say thanks mum to you if you were to choose to stay with him. I would also think you wanted your mother to leave your dad too but she stayed for her own reasons. Do not make the same errors she did.

P.P.s He knows EXACTLY what he is doing. He knows he is abusing you so how can he be this wonderful person you are describing?

All abusers know what they are doing and how it affects you but they simply dont care.

This is why your story is so hard to read. You are defending a man who treats you terribly and knows it and you are so brainwashed you are defending him by making excuses. That is enabling! You only get one life OP, please dont throw yours down the toilet by staying with this horrible man. Your DD's will thank you for it.

This is no way to live-it sounds like you're being held hostage in your own family and the terrorist is your shithead of a husband! He's being verbally and emotionally abusive to you! So you tear a sandwich bag? Who the fuck cares? Sounds like your husband either grew up in an abusive home with a tyrant of a father or he's just an asshole! Reviewing videotape from sports day? My god your children are going to grow up never feeling like they measure up to his impossible standards! It's like living with Gordon Ramsey 24/7 trying to cook a banquet every day! Get out now!!!!

OP, please watch this video

He makes his own lunch daily but expects you to have to buy it at work and take it out of your own budget? What the fuck? If the roles were reversed would you be so miserly to him, of course not.

He sounds awful, a bully. What a horrible example he is setting for your two girls.

You might not want to split up right now but definitely time to start standing up to him and refusing to be bullied by him. If he reacts and hits you, well at least then you will know how awful he really is and be able to leave knowing you tried your best.

Instead of wondering where you are/not at fault, it might help you to focus on your feelings.

How do you feel? Are you happy?

It sounds like you're not.

What do you want? What feels good to you? (Bearing in mind, you can't change him.)

I would quietly start to research your financial situation. Take copies of his salary, bank accounts etc and hide the copies. Find a good solicitor and go for that first appointment. Take it a step at a time.

You received terrible advice before marriage.

You can't change people. If he was a controlling mummy's boy before marriage, why would he stop being that after marriage?

I think that you need to run. He's keeping you helpless, walking on eggshells and not prioritising you like he probably said at the wedding.