Struggling to hold it together

[LoulouTheroux]

So it finally happened, I finally made him leave. Our situation has become so unhealthy and I’m a shadow of the woman I used to be. I don’t want to bore you all with a complex back story but it’s been a rollercoaster of extreme highs and lows.

My issue is that it’s already become very volatile. Today he wanted to see our kids (18m and 4m babies) fine with me, I will not stop him seeing them, even though he’s been out since Saturday morning doing whatever and not asked for them once. However he then decided he wanted to take the 18m old overnight to his parents house (60ish miles away) but my boy has only ever spent 2 nights without me (when I had the little one) and only 2 nights not at home, both times I was with him. He’s a fussy baby and I don’t think he’d settle.

Ordinarily I’d have probably agreed, my son loves his dad, but he’s been threatening to “ruin my life” and that I “haven’t seen what a nasty cunt he can be yet” so I said no overnights until we see a mediator and draw up a document that he agrees to return the children to me at the end of contact. He says I’m withholding them but after his threats and knowing him like I do, I just know he would do it. He’s already told me he plans to inform our babies what a “dirty slag” I am. How best can I arrange safe and happy contact for my babies? He just doesn’t see reason at all.

Children love their parents anyway, no matter how crap or abusive they otherwise are and your ex is certainly abusive. He is still very much trying to control you and will continue to do so even though you have thankfully now separated from him.

They are both very young here and their welfare is paramount.
Should your children really be seeing this abusive man at all given his behaviours towards you as their mother?. What sort of an example is he to them?. Not a very good one to say the very least. He is basically punishing you for having the gall in his eyes to leave him and will use these children also as weapons against you.

I would not do mediation with him because he will in all likelihood use that process to further beat you with. Do seek legal advice and at the very least contact Womens Aid and the Rights of Women organisations here because they can and will help you.

After those comments about ruining your life, I would stop ALL unsupervised contact. Your ex sounds like a narcissist and is using access to his children to emotionally abuse you. He is likely ramping up for the smear campaign at best, at worst I would take his threats very seriously. There are many stories of ex partners killing their children to get back at their former partner and quite frankly I wouldnt risk it. Many of these men never showed any previous violence to their children but were narcs like your ex.

You are not withholding them from him (he is saying that to you to manipulate you into doing what he wants). You are protecting your children from an emotionally abusive man who is threatening to emotionally abuse your children further by telling them their mother is a slag.

You need to protect them from this man. Stop all contact and tell him to go to the courts for access and demand it to be supervised. Save all of these threats as evidence as to why you do not feel they are safe alone with him.

Do not underestimate what he is capable of!

Thank you both. Apologies if it appears to be a dripfeed, I’m trying not to out myself by revealing too much. He has other children with other women who do not allow contact so I feel absolutely awful by putting conditions on him seeing them, I know he does love them but he hates me more.

Lou Lou, there is a reason he doesnt see his other children and that's because hes a dangerous, abusive arsehole. Any man like this is incapable of being a good father and it is not your responsibility to make him one or make him feel better.

It should give you even more reason to stop contact if other women have come to the same conclusion. It's no coincidence and his poor behaviour is the only reason to blame for him not seeing his children.

You cant save him, you can't fix him, you can't change him and you cant take responsibility for his fuck ups.

You can only control your actions and how you respond, which should be to stop all contact with your child and protect them from this arsehole!

P.s I know this will be very painful to accept but men like this do NOT love their children. He has shown this by threatening to tell your DC their mother is a slag which is very confusing and damaging for a child.

In fact, narcissists don't love anyone in the true sense. You and your DC are just belongings, an extension of himself which in his mind allows him to treat you and DC any way he sees fit. That is very dangerous and my advice to you would be to come to terms with the fact that he will never be a good responsible father. The sooner you do, the sooner you learn to stop having any expectations and you can move on with your life.

I allowed my abusive exH to have contact with our 3 DC unsupervised. He abused them all physically and emotionally and told them the same about me being a slag. All 3 have emotional problems because of this and I had to eventually cut contact anyway. Before i knew, i would have sworn he would never hurt them. He was exactly like your ex.

Please heed my warnings. It's the most painful thing to accept you allowed your DC to be abused by their father by allowing access when you know he is abusive to you. Dont be fooled thinking he loves them. He doesn't!

What Jaffacake wrote in its entirety.

re your comment:-
"He has other children with other women who do not allow contact so I feel absolutely awful by putting conditions on him seeing them, I know he does love them but he hates me more".

Do not let your own fear, obligation and guilt here be your own downfall. There is good reason why these other women do not allow him contact with their children and that is because he is abusive.

This man hates women, ALL of them starting with his own mother. This man only loves his own self and besides which he does not know the meaning of the word love. Protect your children from such abusive people like their dad. If you allow contact he will simply use them as tools to beat you with and that action will emotionally harm them.

Thank you for your supportive messages ladies. I’m so scared of doing the wrong thing. I’ve made some catastrophic decisions and I feel like whatever I do I’ll hurt my precious boys. As naive as it sounds, I thought he had made so many positive changes to his life. After what has happened today, clearly not.

I understand it is painful to accept that your DC won't have a decent father in their life but you have to accept the situation for what it is but not accept responsibility for his poor parenting. I mourned that for many years but I learned to come to terms with it and prepare my DC for a happy life without their father.

When my middle DS told me his father had been abusing him (he was 7) he told me he'd always hated him, he never wanted to go to his house but he was too scared to tell me. There I was agonising about him 'needing' a father that I was blind to the abuse. My DC have been infinitely happier since I cut their toxic father out of their life and that was far far less painful for them than witnessing and being exposed to abuse.

Your number 1 job as their mum is to protect them from this man. If you do this then know you are making the right decision for your DC. The younger they are when you decide to cut contact (or only allow supervised), the easier it will be for them to adjust.

All of my DC now hate their dad (10, 13, 14) and are thankful he cannot access them in any way.

Thank you so much Jaffacakes. I know you are right. It’s just a devastating reality that he’s not the person I thought. I’m in such shock that he can’t see that his behaviour would severely hurt his little boys, I’m probably in denial that he would actually do it. I need to own it and protect my sons. Thank you.

Please take time to care for yourself too OP. The aftermath of an abusive relationship is far different from that of a normal breakup. It will take some time but I promise you one day you will come to terms with it and be able to see him for the pathetic weasel he is.

Practice self care often, be kind to yourself and try not to let negative self talk take over. Not trusting yourself is a result of emotional abuse and you need to talk to yourself as you would a friend, with empathy, kindness and forgiveness.

It took me years to come to terms with the poor choices I made but I have accepted my part in that now (not cutting contact with their dad many years sooner) and I have made peace with it all now.

There will be times where you waiver and times that you feel strong. This is completely normal and soon you will look back and realise how amazing you are for having the strength to protect your children from this man and escape an abusive relationship. You are all survivor's, not victims