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Relationships

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Original poster

How important is it to you that your values align with your partner's?

17 replies

PooTodd · 01/07/2019 13:58

I know there are the obvious really big dealbreakers, like not being racist, sexist, homophobic, and so on, which should be aligned in a relationship.

But would it bother you if your own personal "smaller" values - I don't know, things like being empathetic, not placing importance on 'stuff' or in impressing others with your status or material success, honesty, helping others, etc. - weren't shared by your partner?

OP posts:

JoJoSM2 · 01/07/2019 14:05

I'd say the 'smaller' values listed are fundamental.

HypatiaCade · 01/07/2019 14:07

I think they need to be shared, but perhaps not to the exact same degree. Someone who likes to help someone all the time, will not be a good partner who prefers to keep to themselves, but would be okay with someone who doesn't mind helping out, but isn't necessarily proactive about it IYSWIM.

If it's a difference of you prefer running and he prefers to go to the gym, fine.

ScatteredMama82 · 01/07/2019 14:11

Hm, I don't think they have to be the same as long as you respect each others values and recognise the importance of them to the other person? A small example - my DH is a hoarder and I would get rid of everything. He understands my need for 'order' and I understand that his things are important to him so I would never dream of having a clear out that included his things. Does that make sense?

I respect his need to keep his 'things' due to be being shipped off to boarding school when he was 7 and not really having much in the way of his own 'stuff' and little time to play with his own things in his own space. Makes perfect sense, even if it does mean mountains of books and CDs that gather dust, lol!

Fizzypoo · 01/07/2019 14:14

Me and my DP have different values. He's a builder and I'm a youth worker. We have interesting debates and he has become a bit more of a lefty since being with me and I've learnt to realise that some people need to take a bit more responsibility for themselves.

I like that we are different and have different values. However, if our values were too different, say he didn't believe in monogamy and I did then that would be a deal breaker.

Ohyesiam · 01/07/2019 14:15

I thought no the things you mentioned underpin my relationship.
But it depends on what works for you and what level of relationship you want. i know a couple who are really happy, but he spouts all sorts of Daily Fail type crap,she just tells him to shut up( amiably) he does and they just get on with it. They are really passionate about animals and run a livery stable together, very good at business, problem solving and logistics together.

Wouldn’t work for me, perfect for them.
But it’s all about what sits well with you op. Is there enough common ground to keep you there? .

LemonTT · 01/07/2019 14:33

It depends on other things. We are both tolerant and don’t get offended by people with different opinions or values.

Apileofballyhoo · 01/07/2019 14:35

I think the small things are very important.

AryaStarkWolf · 01/07/2019 14:50

Similar values are one of the most important thing in a good relationship imo. the stuff you've listed I would consider to be pretty big things aswell

Original poster

PooTodd · 01/07/2019 14:56

Yes just to clarify, those 'smaller' values are mine. Admittedly, they've become much more important to me as I've got older. And also it bothers me more now than the past couple of years than it ever used to.

I'm not talking about interests - it's fine that he likes the gym and I like running for example. It's those core values that make up the character of a person that are bothering me.

OP posts:

Original poster

PooTodd · 01/07/2019 15:00

Aagh pressed send too quickly.

So he's impressed by status, money, likes others to be impressed by our house and so on. He's happy to fudge the truth, lie to make himself look better, lie to me, etc. He's not empathetic, he's not concerned by others feelings. Things like that - things that bother me more and more, and things that are increasingly important to me.

OP posts:

SallyWD · 01/07/2019 15:07

I like them to be fairly close but not necessarily the same. I'm left wing and my husband is very central. This is fine. I feel we agree on the things that matter to us (Brexit, NHS etc). I could not be with someone very right-wing.

Fizzypoo · 01/07/2019 15:13

I would not like to be with someone who lies. I value the truth and I would also lose respect for someone who lied to me.

I wouldn't like the show off shit either.

So the values you have aren't the sort of values that can be laughed off and they have an effect on your life with your dp. I can laugh off my DPs values as they don't have an affect our life.

MrsSpenserGregson · 01/07/2019 15:15

Those core values that you refer to, OP, are absolutely crucial to me, and if my partner didn't share them - or at least understand them - he wouldn't be my partner.

Life is too short to be with someone you don't respect, and I wouldn't be able to respect someone who was materialistic, selfish, dishonest, uncharitable etc.

CassianAndor · 01/07/2019 15:20

I think that would bother most decent people. But I can't imagine ever finding someone like this attractive, whereas presumably you once did.

user1471453601 · 01/07/2019 15:24

Telling lies is not a "smaller value". In fact, if go as far as to ssy, it's the biggest one.

I'm quite left wing politically, but I'd rather have a right wing partner, than one that lies.

You know where you are with a truthful right winger. You'd never never now where you were with someone who tells lies

Original poster

PooTodd · 01/07/2019 15:46

But I can't imagine ever finding someone like this attractive, whereas presumably you once did.

Well the problem there is that he didn't show that side of himself in the beginning. These things have been insidious and crept up as the years have gone on.

For example, with the honesty thing, if I asked him about any of these things, he'd agree that yes, these values are important, but then his actions tell a completely different story. It's like he's thinking, 'Oh yes, being honest, that sounds good. I'll say I value honesty.' And he'll swear blind that this is his opinion, while at the same time he's lying to my face about other things. So for years I'd believe that honesty is important to him, because that's what he tells me verbally. But then over time I realise that actually he's a liar.

Same with the other values. He'll think, 'Oh yes, that will make me look good to say I don't care about material things', because it's something I've said, you see. So he says this, and of course I take that at face value. But then, over many years, his actual actions prove that not to be true.

OP posts:

GarakIsMySweetheart · 01/07/2019 16:47

Yes, those 'smaller' values you mentioned are important to me too.

Things like social attitude - attitude to welfare, disability, volunteering etc; importance of wealth/material 'success'; compassion; honesty; loyalty; integrity; trust; the ability to set and maintain boundaries - those are all really important to me. Dealbreakers in fact.

It contributes, in part, to why I'm single - sadly 🙄

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