Coercive control towards a child?

[MrsJamieFraser2]

I've had many many issues with my ex husband. We divorced 16 years ago and I have brought up my 2 children mostly on my own.

My son is now 17, 18 in September and has been experiencing anxiety for the last 12 months, is being seen by CAHMS and is currently neither working nor in education.

3 months ago he went to stay with his Dad (he's currently single so living alone) and has never really come back. He's probably spent 6 nights with me in that time. Obviously this has now meant he doesn't have to pay maintenance so another reason to keep him there.

My issue is that I know now that XH subjected me to significant emotional abuse and coercive control, and it seems that he's now doing the same with my son. My son lives there, has no social life to speak of other than doing to the pub with his Dad. He's now saying that he is not going to do the college course he has been accepted to start in September, and is going to do a social media apprenticeship at the company where his Dad works. (Very small company, no social media presence to speak of so probably office admin role).

I'm concerned that my son is becoming more and more entrenched in this toxic relationship and doesn't really know it's happening.

I've tried to research coercive control of children and there is nothing. Is it even a thing? Or maybe it isn't and I should just let him get on with it.

Any help would be appreciated as I'm at my wits end.

Okay, I can understand why you're nervous, given your experience with your ex. But I'm not seeing anything in your post to suggest that there is any controlling behaviour from your ex to his son. Do you have any indication or evidence that your son is being placed under pressure to stay there, or to change his career / training plans by his dad? As opposed to making decisions about what he wants to do himself? Have you actually discussed with your son his reasons for wanting to make those changes?

I was coercively controlled by my dad. Aggressive and violent to my mum during my childhood so I was on eggshells at home and trying to please him. If I spoke up at all, he would threaten to cut contact with me (I was 12/13).

When I was 17 i started to support my mum in filing for divorce so he punished me by taking an overdose in front of me in a very dramatic and traumatic way, and was sectioned.

I blamed myself for him trying to die (plus I see now that I had attachment issues from all the threats) so he spent the best part of the next 20 years controlling me with threats of suicide and violence. Fast forward to a couple of years ago and I was shaking with anxiety in the supermarket as he’d asked me to buy him a particular type of ham with a long sell by date and I didn’t dare turn up without it as the suicide threats would start.

I ended up having a nervous breakdown and he cut contact with me (I’m not a useful appliance to him if I have needs of my own).

Now, my situation is quite extreme but no one ever really knew what was going on from outside as I couldn’t speak out, I felt so guilty and ashamed that I was so unloveable.

Can you open a dialogue with your son and see if he opens up about how things are over there?

You need to talk to your son and find out why he has chosen to change his education plans. With his anxiety, he may find it easier to work in small company, and with someone he knows well, while only going to college some of the time. On the other hand, XH may have manipulated him into thinking the apprenticeship was better than the college course so he could keep him close and get his own needs met by DS. Tricky one. Take DS out for a bit to eat or something and try to get to the bottom of it.
@RollOnSaturday poor you - what a shit way to treat one's own daughter!! I hope you are getting support in dealing with what happened to you and never have to see him again!

The thing is that it's not that extreme. It's very subtle and he's gradually stripping away all his sense of self. But my son doesn't see it. He's gradually become an extension of his Dad. The arrangement is not healthy. Maybe it's not coercive control as there is no threat of violence. But subconsciously he does fear him and tries to toe the line (as I did).

I don't think there is a direct pressure to stay there and do what his Dad wants career wise, it's more subtle than that. He was always threatened by my education, he likes to put our daughter down for wanting to work for a charity (despite having a law degree and a Masters), because that way he feels better about himself. So he's trying to keep my son down and more at his level so he won't be threatened.

I know I sound like a crazy ex wife but I'm a worried Mum.

It's interesting that you posted this, I was googling coercive control of young adults yesterday.

My nephew currently lives with me and had just spent 2 weeks with his parents who are vegan - I have absolutely nothing against vegans but he doesn't want to be one.

My nephew has been told he will be vegan, has to send photos of his meals to his parents, been bombarded with pictures of dead animals on his Facebook page, he's v quiet and withdrawn not his normal self at all - he's 18 and I'm very worried about him.

I know that sounds ridiculous but his dad has been physically violent to him in the past - he's really scared of him.

If anyone has a link to any resources I'd be really grateful. He has a Dr appt next week anyway to talk about his mental heath.

Sorry to highjack your thread OP.

Mrs Jamie - I know exactly what you mean about it seeming crazy - I've just read my post back and thought WTF!

But he got his phone out last night to take a photo of his tea to send to his mum - I was horrified but he just accepted it was what he had to do! 😡

@ineedsomeadvice61 My son always told his Dad what meal I had cooked and what exercise he had done that day. Obviously now he controls that and he's now longer able to eat bread.

But he does not see there is any issue! It's that chipping away at what he thinks is normal. This is now his new normal unfortunately.

I do feel for you and it's lovely you have your nephew living with you and he has your support.

Oh god exercise is part of it as well - No doubt they track him on Strava.

I don't feel very useful though - I don't want to say too much to him I know he will jump to their defence and probably tell them what I say so I'm just steering him towards some counselling and hoping that if he opens up to a professional they might help him see how wrong it all is.

I hope things work out ok with your son,