Holiday during trial separation

[Applebop]

In the process of a trial separation after finding out hubby had a ONS some years back. We aren’t living together as I threw him out when I found out. We have a 7 year old son.

Seeing couples counsellor etc and on the right track but absolutely no idea how things will turn out at this point. I am past the angry stage now (more or less) and I see him regularly as we share son 50/50 and communicate regularly about parenting. However, we haven’t taken a good block of time to talk just the two of us. No issues sitting down for a meal together for our son’s sake, although we tend not to just because of the way are unofficial ‘custody’ arrangement has worked out.

I have two choices now during the school holidays:

1. Go on holiday with just my son.

2. Husband comes with and this is an opportunity for us to take time to talk etc.

Son loves the kids club where we’re going so there will be time to talk.

No desire to cancel the trip and financial matters are not a concern in the cost of the number of people going.

Don’t have family or friends I could go with instead as everyone has their own plans.

My preference is for husband to come too, but not sure if I’m being naive about how successful that would be.

Could end up being the making or breaking of you, the fact you barely talked could be a worry and you're trapped on a holiday with him.

Can you get an opportunity to sit down and talk before the holiday and therefore get an idea of whether you feel you can go on holiday with him?

It could be a positive step in the reconciliation process but if you are not ready for that spending all that time together could set you back further.

Yes, I can definitely start taking more time to talk to him first.

If you're really that mad that he knocked boots with a random some years ago, then going on holiday with him surely won't address that?

Furious - yes. I have really been that angry.

Well then, don't go!

If you do go with him then set aside time to talk but also time to be on your own to process what you think and to relax as well.

I think on balance I'd go with him - if you can stand to be with him without arguing constantly, which will ruin it for your son. You can make time to talk and see if the relationship is worth saving. A week together might concentrate your mind and speed up the decision on whether you want to get back together or split permanently.

Yep. Talk before you go.

If it looks like you are both looking toward reconciliation, he can go. If not, he stays.

It does sound as if younwant to reconcile.

Holidays however can be surprisingly stressful even for those in healthy relationships. And if it all goes pear-shaped, have you thought (really thought, imaginatively) about how you will paint on a happy face for all the time DS is with you? Will he be confused/upset if you appear to get on well (which you absolutely must) but remain separated?

My exH cheated, we are amicable enough and have gone one few holidays together since. But we don't want to reconcile so maybe that's easier. There have been awkward moments but nothing unbearable. I wouldn't hesitate going on holiday with ex unless you have a gut feeling it might get uncomfortable for you.

On the other hand I've also gone on holiday with cheating boyfriend and he used it to get me back... feel like locked up in the relationship and want to break free but can't, but that probs would have happened in other circumstances too...

I'm in a similar position although we still share a house and the infidelity was much more premeditated, lasted a month and only ended last year (and not by his choice). He also had to leave his job because of it (long sorry story) so is now unemployed. Fortunately I work full time in a reasonably well paid job and the holiday is already paid for. The kids would want him to go and i thought so initially but think I was in denial (found out mid May)... I'm now pretty raging about the whole thing and really not sure what to do for the best. It is all such a mess. I want my old life back.

Do you want to reconcile or not? Or are you unsure?

If you don't want to reconcile what is there to talk about?

Is there potential for arguing and bickering and a big falling out? If so I wouldn’t go.

You seem like you want to reconcile so why not? Worst case, it doesn't go so well and you can spend your days apart doing your own thing.

Sandy - I’m unsure at this point.