Any support out there?

[Toomuch999]

Ok so, timing is everything. I could really do with some advice and don’t easily discuss issues like this in RL. I have quite a bit going on so sorry for the length of all this...my dear dear mum is dying, still got all her marbles and great sense of humour but also cancer, probably talking a month left and is 3 hours away. Also have 2 lovely dc, 15.yo ds and 13yo dd and she is struggling atm, she’s really hormonal, upset about grandma, hates her body etc, and is dealing with this by cutting herself. She’s done it twice before and I got cross (because I was so shocked and sad) the last time I saw it (3 days ago) I dealt with it better, tried to support rather than get angry etc, but I’m so sad for her, she’s always been such a happy child. And finally I have my dh, 20 years married, who chose last week to tell me he can’t cope, has been talking to relate about us..? He’s always been emotionally selfish (due primarily to his upbringing I think, his mum left him when he was v young, dad was a bastard etc) and over the years I’ve accommodated this really. Most relationships have some compromises and that was mine, my issue is that now I have all this other stuff going on I now need his support and, because it’s not all about him, he’s acting up. I’m so, so hurt he can’t put any (in my eyes) minor issues aside at this time - he is really stressed at work etc but really?
So, thanks if you’ve got this far... I need some advice as to how to cope over the next months? I can’t LTB atm, will not add any more stress into dc’s lives, so how do I deal with the hurt I feel? Logically I’d talk it through with him but I’m too emotional atm to deal with the fallout I know the conversation will bring. And I’m quite private in RL absolutely relationships.

I'm sorry OP, that sounds like you have a huge amount on your plate to deal with, and little (in fact no) support.

I know you said you're a private person irl but maybe now would be a good moment to start reaching out to your friends? I would hate to think a friend of mine was going through this and keeping it all to themselves.

Regarding your DD, please please contact school and ask them for help. They will be able to refer to CAMHS and any other appropriate support services.

I know it differs by area but I can say when we lived in East Midlands, CAMHS were fantastic and honestly if not for them I don't know if I would still have my son today. He is now a big burly bearded 20-something :)

It's hard not to react badly to self harm. Your gut instinct is: See wound, make wound better, kill human who did it, raaargh. Except when it's the person who did it to themselves, it throws a spanner in the works! Have you spoken to your DD about the times before when you didn't react the best way? Have you asked her directly "when you feel the urge to self harm, what can I do to help you?" For example, going out for a walk or a drive, going shopping (for boring shit, not wasting money on needless crap!), playing a sport you both like (even just playing catch with a tennis ball), cuddling on the settee and watching a favourite film.

You asking her this will encourage her to think about ways she can distract herself from self injury. It will make her more emotionally literate going forward.

I found my son is best helped by him helping others. So for example if he's having a low day, a great way to help him is saying "Hmmm, my wardrobe/kitchen cupboard is full to bursting! Let's organise a charity shop donation"

We also say sometimes "Hey it's been a good month, let's look up what the local food banks need and stick it in the collection box"

Last time we did this, a lady from the local food bank happened to be there at the time we were dropping off, and her heartfelt "thank you" meant so much.

Sorry I have waffled on but I hope some of this might help you with your DD.

Maybe seeing a counsellor by yourself could be a good way of letting off steam and organising your thoughts.

I’ve found meditating a great help, too. Still at beginners stage, but good to acknowledge just how I feel for 5-10 quiet minutes a day.

I appreciate that none of this actually addresses your current situation, but might give you the tools to cope with what you’re juggling with.

I think we forget how emotionally charged teenagers are. Hormone changes make teenagedom very challenging, even when life is going well.

One thing I was told was to encourage the use of ice instead of cutting. Ice delivers "pain" due to how cold it is, and I think it also helps slow blood flow around the body. There's also using a rubber band to flick the area.

Try to reassure her that it's OK and normal to feel this way, but do stress to her that those feelings of anguish will pass and that she won't always be in this predicament.

Learn about why people self harm (blood loss helps calm the person etc) and discuss it with her. Discuss other ways she could get her anger out of her system, like going for a run or writing it in a diary.

I know I haven't helped with your other questions, but I hope what I have written has helped a bit.

Thanks all so much for your input. Really useful points in there Re:self harm and what to actually say. I do a load of reading around the appropriate websites and then forget it all when I’m with her.