Husband selfish in bed?

[Jessica25xo]

Advice needed: DH and I have always been very sexual but I’ve definitely shot myself in the foot by not voicing it when he didn’t make me climax. I would just let it slide and ashamedly I also used to fake it (I know, huge mistake in retrospect but I was 18 and in my first real relationship and knew no better!) 7 years down the line and things obviously haven’t progressed. I have tried telling him and we had a conversation where he finally realised he was leaving me unsatisfied, I’d hoped things would improve after that and they did for a short while but soon went back to the usual. My husband doesn’t really do foreplay much to my disappointment. Now we have a young baby and our opportunities are few and far between so my hints and even flat out asking for something more than a quickie are rebuffed with ‘she’ll wake up soon so there’s no time’. I do manage to climax at times in certain positions but not even close to each time we have sex and so I’m just left hanging and trying to forget about the sexual frustration. DH hates the idea of me having a vibrator and I just feel embarrassed finishing myself off. Tonight I reached breaking point, we were both in the mood but have no condoms (I’m in the middle of switching birth control and with young DD am in no way willing to risk getting pregnant again yet!) so he guides me to play with him, he climaxed then turned over to go to sleep!! I got so annoyed that I told him I was frustrated and needed an outlet and he seemed surprised by this (?!) he then said he would play with me but I’m so annoyed by his lack of consideration that I refused and am now (childishly) ignoring him, though he’s sleeping so I don’t think he’s noticed 🙄.

Sorry for the long ramble, I needed a rant! All I’d like is some advice on how to approach this, ways to get him to understand or to voice myself after so many years of stupidly keeping quiet. I’m otherwise very happy in my marriage, he’s incredibly caring, loving and helpful in every other aspect with our DD and house work etc, sex is the only issue.

You need counselling/mediation to talk this through in a way you can both listen to and hear each other. It is too emotive a subject to manage between the two of you. Particularly if he doesn’t understand why you seemed happy enough before but suddenly have changed your expectation.

Fuck that shit!

He's not incredibly livying and caring btw,he's a selfish arse,ime sex is a reflection of the relationship.

Next time just say "me first tonight!" IF he's incredibly loving and caring he'll take the hint.

I’d sit him down and tell him straight. Make him make you orgasm first he’ll soon get the message

**loving

You start by buying yourself a Rabbit and taking control of your orgasms.
DH can ‘hate the idea of you having a vibrator’ all he wants. But in my book - any man who doesn’t want to at least try to get his partner to climax - just doesn’t get to have an opinion on how she reaches there on her own....
And - next step is... Next time he comes and rolls over. You get out your new shiny toy and tell him he can either help, or not.. Up to him.

Yes - you should have said something earlier to him. But since knowing made little difference - it may be how he is. And he won’t change unless you do.

On a practical level I’d be making sure I had an orgasm first before him if it’s standard for him to roll over and fall asleep. Then I’d roll over and go to sleep.

Have you talked about this away from the bedroom?

It can take some practise to feel comfortable discussing sex and actually you sound like you have both done well so far to discuss what you have. You need to make some more time to discuss more now and you can be honest and start with “I know this is difficult to discuss BUT...” and even list what you say at the favour how good the relationship is and then discuss the sex. Explain what was better when it did improve...note that you appreciate that things are difficult with a baby now... perhaps admit you were a bit petty not to let him help you tonight but say you were hurt he didn’t think to automatically offer or ensure you came first. It can be a social thing to assume women aren’t as into sex or don’t have the same needs as men, so it’s important he hears from you that it is important and help him know what it is you want from him- eg “as I don’t always climax from Sex alone, I’d like you to make sure I’ve had at least one orgasm before you even go there next time”
Have a go at making some time to chat and perhaps also see if you could have an hour of child free time regularly to prioritise some decent uninterrupted sex?

Get a vibrator. It will change your life.

Tell shit-for-brains he is replaceable
That should focus the tiny mind.

Thank you all for your replies. I know I should have spoken to him about it a lot sooner. I have tried hinting over the years, it seems men (at least mine) needs to be spoken to in a very simple manner to understand! We were so young when we first got together and I was so inexperienced that for years I thought I was the problem not being able to climax easily. It was years down the line I came to realise that I should have been voicing my dissatisfaction and by then felt too awkward about the whole thing. I’ll try to sit him down and discuss this with him, I also think I will make a purchase in a vibrator so that he can at least see how often he leaves me wanting more if things don’t change. Sometimes he wants me to come first and his excitement helps me to do so, other times I think he’s genuinely just ignorant to the fact that I haven’t, I don’t think he even gives it a second thought. I love him so much but I just feel frustrated.

You certainly shouldn't feel embarrassed if you need to "finish yourself off" during sex. He should try more to help out of course, but sometimes it will be necessary to do it yourself. Although if you try does he get upset? Is he the sort of jackass who thinks just his manly thrusting should be enough all by itself to give his partner an orgasm?

Never, ever fake it! It doesn't do either of you any favours, you are unsatisfied and he thinks he's great in bed so doesn't try anything different!
Be prepared to really hurt his feelings when you bring this up and spell it out in black and white. He may well feel really embarrassed to find you've been faking, and hurt his ego/self esteem/confidence.
That said, it isn't all about him, you have the same needs and wants as him, and if he isn't willing to try to make it work, there is NO shame at all in buying a vibrator. Maybe the jealousy of you having one will be the kick in the backside he needs to get you there himself.

I can never get my head around someone faking an orgasm, and their Partner not realising

How on earth do you fake the intense spasms? I presume your DH hasn't been with any women before you (if he had made another woman orgasm, he'd know you were faking)

Similarly there is no way a man could fake an orgasm with me. It's so bloody obvious when a man is about to orgasm and then does.

Anyway, yes get a vibrator and talk to him. It sounds wholly unsatisfactory and the man needs to be told in no uncertain terms!!