Hi - I feel like this may be a really long post and not sure I’m in the right place to post so sorry if I bore anybody! I just need others to talk to in similar situations or some advice/opinions as I’m going a bit crazy!
I’m 32 and OH is 35, we have an 18 month old boy who we absolutely adore and feel so grateful for! We’ve been together on and off for 9 years (3 year gap in between) and it’s my only relationship! I can’t remember ever having the kids discussion although I think without the other realising we were serious would say I want 4 and he would say none! When I was 29 I had the implant removed as I was bleeding pretty much every 2 weeks and really really emotional! I have been on pretty much every type of pill and tried the injection and implant, twice! None agreed with me! I had been researching natural family planning and OH seemed okay with this! Anyway 4 months post implant removal, bleeding was the same so went to GP and he just said okay check your hormones and did some blood tests that day, saw me for results and flat out said you can’t get pregnant, I was devastated but didn’t question how he knew this, he referred me to specialist and said to try norethisterone for a couple of months to see if that did any good! I was devestated! Anyway lo and behold two months later, I fell pregnant! We had obviously stopped following the natural family planning method!we were not ready whatsoever, found out on the way to Ibiza and I was starting a new job when I got back and we had just renovated a house so had zero money left! Toyed with abortion ( which I now feel terrible for) and in the end I decided I couldn’t go through with it, told family who were all so happy for us! Unfortunately, there was a problem with the baby and I had to terminate the pregnancy for medical reasons, it was a horrible time and I still think about her every single day! We had to wait a few months for a post mortem to check whether it was a chromosome issue, thankfully it wasn’t so we got the go ahead to ttc! The whole thing made both of us realise that we did want a baby! My cycles were really really long after I gave birth and I started getting terrible pain in my pelvic region. My sister has severe endometriosis and had ivf so the consultant seemed to think I too had this so I was booked in for a laparoscopy with the view to properly starting ttc after this. Whilst waiting I decided to give acupuncture a go and after one month I had a 28 day cycle with no spotting and reduced pain!the next month (the same one I was due to have surgery) I fell pregnant with my little boy! Both over the moon (and anxious). When he was born my OH said he defo wanted more and could understand why people did but started saying he didn’t over the next few months! I decided to take 6 months mat leave and he would take 3 months as I earn more so made sense! Anyway 2 months before I was due to return to work I had to let my work know as did he, I panicked and decided I wasn’t ready and as he had been saying he didn’t want more I felt like I would never get this opportunity again, he was upset and angry that I didn’t want to return to work and basically said that he would want more so I said Il go back early but next time I am taking the full year!fast forward a year, he now is saying he doesn’t think he wants anymore children whilst I most definitely do! I would love 4 kids but know this will never happen and accept that 2 is more feasible. we have argued so much about this. He wants to move abroad in 5 years time and I wasn’t sure and didn’t want to have another baby abroad and wanted to do it beforehand so he said as long as we move he will have another baby, then he goes back on his word and says she doesn’t (we have been through that same scenario 3 times now). The next time we agreed to wait until I was 34 and then revisit it and see how he feels, the next day he says he doesn’t think he does want another. His answer is never no just that he doesn’t know which I am kind of now understanding is probably a no! I have tried to offer some compromise and said that I will go on the pill for 2 years and then we won’t try but just see what happens and if nature intended it to happen, then so be it but if not then we leave it at that. He agreed then changed his mind again! We were in a really bad place for a few days and he said he thought it was best to split up although it wasn’t what he wanted but he didn’t want to string me along for 2 years, which again makes me think he probably knows he doesn’t want another. At the minute we are okay and have agreed to look at it again in 2 years but only if I go on birth control (use withdrawal method at the minute). I am at the doctors tomorrow and am going to ask about the diaphragm as I really really don’t want to take any hormones as I’m so sensitive to them. Also sensitive to latex so can’t use condoms! He isn’t happy about this as he wants me on the pill as he thinks it is more effective.
Anyway, I just don’t know how to feel, how do I get over thing longing I have for another child?i love him so much and I don’t ever want us to part but I feel like this is creating a bit of a wedge between us. Any advice/opinions would be so appreciated. I haven’t really spoken to anybody about this as it’s such a sensitive subject. Again so sorry for the long post!