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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is there something wrong with me?

6 replies

toffeeapple123 · 30/06/2019 20:18

Told my mum how bored I was with my life (just had a bad week, that’s all, and hormones) and she said I needed a diff life, to settle down and have kids. We ended up arguing 🙄

My life is actually great - successful career, well paid job, financial independence, great friends and loving family. I’ve travelled and lived abroad. I’m told by colleagues and family that I’m selfless, fun and loving.

Yet I struggle to meet men I find attractive - both physically and non physically - and to form a relationship. Most people by mid 30s are settled and with kids. I can’t even a date/relationship. That’s not to say there’s no interest in me - there is actually a lot, from older and married men in particular, and that younger ones don’t have the courage to talk to me, despite the staring.

It’s been close to a year since I parted ways with an emotionally abusive man I fell madly for and I’m still not over him. I took up new hobbies, went down a dress size, and did lots of healthy eating and loving. Did more travelling. Gave myself until end of Spring to get back on online dating but it’s been abysmal and no date - I don’t like most of the men who like me and the ones I do never write back. I’m not even that fussy, I avoid the too good looking ones who look like obvious twats (lol).

It’s so hard being so alone.

When’s it going to change?

I don’t know what else I could/should be doing.

I told my mum that unless she finds me someone, not to bring up marriage and kids again...

OP posts:
ComtesseDeSpair · 30/06/2019 20:51

I very much doubt there’s anything wrong with you. It sounds like you’re not willing to settle for the booby prize and hence the interest you do get isn’t transferring into relationships. (And it’s always worth acknowledging that plenty of the women you see around you will have settled for Mr Alright simply because they thought that a family with him was preferable to possibly no family at all.) It’s always difficult to know how to respond to this sort of post, because for all the posters who’ll pop up to say they were in your situation and then it suddenly changed in a flash and now they have a lovely DH and DCs, nobody can actually guarantee that this will be the same for you.

It’s a cliche but I think you do genuinely have to sort of work with the assumption that perhaps a family is not on the cards for you and start/continue building the very best life you can for yourself, with you at its center, and then leave your long term options open. Don’t limit your social interactions, keep doing stuff you enjoy and which brings you into contact with new people, but don’t do it with the sole or primary intention of finding a man (if only because it’s painfully obvious when women have joined clubs and hobby groups purely in hope of meeting men, and I have never known it to work out.) Then if Mr Fabulous happens to crop up, he’ll be an added bonus. And if he doesn’t, you’ve still got your life.

And yes, just tell your mum to butt out and that she isn’t being kind or helpful.

toffeeapple123 · 30/06/2019 21:34

Thanks ComtesseDeSpair I'm actually wondering if maybe I have to settle, as I do want a family. I thought I could hold out for a special guy who ticks most boxes, but evidently that appears to not be working out in my favour. I've been in relationships where I've settled, though, and it's not fun. But then again, I do want a family, but am not prepared to do it on my own. I created another thread lately, asking for advice and support on how to come to terms with no man and family. It rips me up on the inside to think about it, let alone come to terms with it.

OP posts:
Piggle23 · 30/06/2019 21:44

Why are good looking men obvious twats?

toffeeapple123 · 30/06/2019 21:45

Piggle23 I didn't actually say that...

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Hassled · 30/06/2019 21:52

I think some people are able to settle - as in "he's not perfect but he's a nice guy who'll be a great father and if I tell myself I love him often enough it'll probably become true" - and others just aren't. You had what sounds like a very bad experience with someone relatively recently - of course you're going to be wary. Give yourself more time - you're doing everything right. I'm sure it will happen - but if it doesn't, you've made a good life for yourself.

toffeeapple123 · 30/06/2019 21:59

What a lovely reply, thank you Hassled Flowers x

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