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Original poster

Is this a massive red flag?

28 replies

NameChangeTadaa · 30/06/2019 19:36

I've been seeing someone for 3 months now, he has been separated for his ex for 12 months (9 months when we met so I appreciate it's not been that long).

He has 2 children from this previous relationship aged 2 and 4. I don't think he has told his children or ex that we are seeing each other which is fine by me as it's early days and wouldn't want to involve the children for some time, until we knew it is something solid.

Last night he came round for dinner at mine. I had already begun cooking when he arrived and he was not there for 15 minutes before he got a phone call.

I could tell by his face that it was something he didn't want me to hear and he quickly stepped out into the garden to take the call but left the back door slightly ajar so I ended up being able to hear everything anyway.

It was his ex calling asking him to go round to hers to drop a thermometer off and he replied to her saying he couldn't as he was in the pub and had had a couple of drinks so couldn't drive.
I could hear her shouting at him telling him she really needed the thermometer and he said okay fine. He came back in and told me that he had to leave to drop the themometer at hers. I said okay, what time did he think he would be back as dinner might still be okay? He said he wouldn't bother coming back as he'd probably stay and put the kids to bed and off he went.

I don't know what to make of it really. Mostly I'm hurt that I'd put effort into making dinner for us both and had bought ingredients for it to be wasted and the fact that he didn't want to come back and spend time with me. But on the other hand I understand that he has children and they will come first. But I think it's the lying that I'm uncomfortable with. Perhaps he lied as he hasn't told his ex he is seeing someone. But I just wish he had said he was about to have a meal with a friend or something. Or at least made the effort to come back.

Is this a red flag? Is he not that into me/ not over his ex yet?

He did text me later that evening saying he was sorry and hoped I wasn't angry at him. I replied saying I was a bit upset but I hoped his children were okay. He said they were fine.

OP posts:
Notthetoothfairy · 30/06/2019 19:38

Yes, definitely a red flag.

barryfromclareisfit · 30/06/2019 19:40

Does the wife know they are separated?

HypatiaCade · 30/06/2019 19:41

When he's ready to be open about being in a relationship, then he's ready to actually be in a relationship. Until then, he shouldn't see anyone.

Marlena1 · 30/06/2019 19:41

I understand it's early days so he may have just wanted an easy life. Would forgive that but wouldn't want that to go on indefinitely. However, you went to the effort of making dinner so he should have had the manners to return. He can't be seen to jump everytime she says so.

SagAloojah · 30/06/2019 19:43

Agreed, don't waste any more time on him.

The lies, the not bothering to come back when you had made effort to cook for him, and finally - you said you were upset and he said nothing?

Original poster
NameChangeTadaa · 30/06/2019 19:43

Yes his ex knows, she cheated on him and left him for someone else and is seeing that someone else still. So I'm certain they aren't still together. But I think due to the nature of the break up he probably still has feelings for her.

OP posts:
Greenmarmalade · 30/06/2019 19:44

I think it's pretty awful that he didn't want to rush round with the thermometer straight away. It's really hard looking after sick
children, especially when you can't leave the house to get stuff, because you're single.

This would put me off.

MikeUniformMike · 30/06/2019 19:44

It's not a read flag but it's a flag that he is not ready for a relationship.

curiouscat74 · 30/06/2019 19:45

It sounds like a mess. I wouldn't want to get involved in that situation.

ISmellBabies · 30/06/2019 19:46

He was right to leave if the kids had a fever and the ex needed the thermometer for that. It was really weird to lie, but then maybe he just thought it was none of her business where he was. I think I'd be wary that he might not actually be separated though.

MMmomDD · 30/06/2019 19:46

I’d not bother with him. Whatever it is - it’s too complicated and toxic as it seems.

And he seems to be lacking in common decency anyway.
It’s OK that he hasn’t yet announced your relationship, it’s early.
It’s Ok that he didn’t disclose to the Ex where he was.
It’s Ok he went to bright the thermometer - although any mother of small kids would have a few in a house.

It’s NOT Ok that he didn’t just come back. He was on a date with you. You were making an effort.
Kids that age would have been in bed by 7:30. Plenty of time to get back, even if his dinner was a little cold by then.
He chose not to.

Don’t waste your time with him. Will only lead to frustration.

Original poster
NameChangeTadaa · 30/06/2019 19:46

Unfortunately I think you're right. I've not felt good about it since it happened. It's just the way he lied so casually and how he left without bothering to come back. That's not something I could put up with happening all the time.

OP posts:
loveyoutothemoon · 30/06/2019 19:47

Bin him!

loveyoutothemoon · 30/06/2019 19:48

This early on, I wouldn't let it happen once!

QueenOfTheCroneAge · 30/06/2019 19:49

I'd bin, I'd feel too much like an OW.

PicsInRed · 30/06/2019 19:51

Yes his ex knows, she cheated on him and left him for someone else and is seeing that someone else still

That, or he's projecting and he did all that.
It's not inconceivable that you ARE that person.

Cherrytreesa · 30/06/2019 19:52

I'm not too sure if this is a red flat or not. When I met DP, he'd been split about a year - 2 kids with his ex. He would get phone calls all the time from his ex demanding all sorts of things... a phone call once at 1 am about a child's lunch box, another time she was locked out of her house and demanded he drive 50 minutes to sort it out, when she moved house she demanded that he do the house removal while she fecked off to work for the day. He did all these things without complaining.

The last straw for me was when she told him what nights were best for her for when he could see me. He had set days/nights that he had the kids so she was just trying to cause problems by changing everything. I told him that if he wasn't going to put boundaries in place then it was a deal breaker for me. He did put boundaries in place but then of course all hell broke loose before she eventually accepted them.

Original poster
NameChangeTadaa · 30/06/2019 19:59

Cherrytreesa this is what I'm worried about. I just have a bit of a feeling it's going to be this way and I think deep down I know that's something I don't want to get involved in. I've never dated anyone with children before so wasn't 100% sure what to expect.

OP posts:
Laurajjj · 30/06/2019 20:03

Yeah it don't add up to me. If his ex was screaming at him surely she wouldn't want him stay anyway? He also knew how much effort you put into making tea.

SlightlyMisplacedSingleDad · 30/06/2019 20:09

Hmm. I'll offer an alternative view. A few people have said that he's only ready to be in a relationship when he's ready to be public about that. I don't know what stage his divorce / any custody proceedings are at, or what his relationship with his ex is like - but it's worth remembering that some women do start messing about with access to the children when their ex gets a new partner. And some men are scared of that possibility, even if their ex hasn't shown sogns of doing it. It's not actually any of his ex's business who he is seeing, so I'd be open to views that he has sound reasons for not telling her about you at this point.

As for not returning, his kids were ill. Once he had made the decision to go over there with the thermometer, he was probably aiming to spend some time with the kids. Normal bedtimes don't always apply when a kid is ill! Yes, it's inconsiderate when tou were cooking...but, on the other hand, it is right for his kids to take priority when they're ill. When tou date a parent, you have to expect that, occasionally, something will blow up with their kids that needs their attention more than you do.

So, if this is a one off, I'd be tempted to offer the benefit of the doubt. If it beckmes a habit, maybe not. But there's nothing in your post to indicate this is anything other than a one-time thing where his kids were ill - so I'd assume that to be the case at this point.

parrotonthesofa · 30/06/2019 20:13

Hmmm I'm gonna go against the general opinion here. For me it. Is not a red flag. He obvs just couldn't face having to explain where he was to her (and he shouldn't have to). If the relationship continues, he can then tell her.
I think it's good that he didn't come back - he realised the kids who are still very little would want him to stay if he rocked up at bedtime.
The only red flag for me would be that he initially tried to get out of taking it round when they were ill.
It just depends Whether you want to get into a relationship with someone who is newly separated and is hopefully gonna put his young kids needs first. I don't think I would.

Cherrytreesa · 30/06/2019 20:34

As for not returning, his kids were ill. Once he had made the decision to go over there with the thermometer, he was probably aiming to spend some time with the kids

I remember one night my DP dropped the kids off to his ex, on his way to my house. When he got there she asked him where he was going, he told her to see me. She then told him that one of the kids 'looked' ill and he'd better stay and what kind of a father would leave a sick child that he was a disgrace etc. Of course he stayed and by then it was too late for our plans. So god knows what could have been said to OPs b/f last night when he got to his ex's.

Megabeth · 30/06/2019 20:39

It seems like this guy is testing the water. You deserve to meet a lovely man who won't mess with your head. X

Cherrytreesa · 30/06/2019 20:40

Also OP, if it's any consolation...Dps ex is really very nice now. She met someone after a few years and had another DC and is very pleasant now and everyone gets on and does each other favours so it can all change.

Musti · 30/06/2019 20:42

I don't think that's a red flag. A parent wants to be there when their child is ill and everything else goes out of the window. I also think 3 months is too soon to tell his ex about you and probably best left until the divorce and custody is sorted.