How to deal with DM alcoholism

[JayKay183]

Hi all,

I’m 6 months pregnant, and starting to worry about how I am going to deal with my DM in future.

She is really sensitive and takes everything very badly. Which is making me really really stressed out.

She has been so excited, and has wanted grandchildren for years.

She has MH issues mainly depression but other issues too, drinks 20 units every day and smokes throughout the day. Her house is a total hole, untidy, not cleaned etc.

Tried to speak to her a few times before but it never works. At best it goes back to what it was a couple of days later.

I had been visiting her once a week but it’s always such a downer and it’s bringing me down too. Now she is sad that I don’t really speak to her or visit as much anymore.

I hate to say it but I don’t really want to see her much anymore and that upsets me massively.

Now the elephant in the room, the thought of having my child visit is horrifying, heaven forbid she every wants time alone with her grandchild.

I know DHs mother will want to look after and see her grandchild too, she is very excited also, which is fine although my mother will see any differing treatment which will then cause a load of issues.

I can’t be the only one with an alcoholic parent.

This has been a nightmare since I was little and it keeps coming back. :(

Wish I had a normal life.

Get yourself along to Al Anon. There are many people there who have walked your path and can support you.

Congratulations on your pregnancy, well done on seeing this toxic situation for what it is. Listen to your gut telling you that it is polluting you and is no place for you or your baby.

Find the website AdultChildrenofAlcohlics - have a good read to be able to see where your mother has caused emotional damage and how this can impact your motherhood.

Don't say yes to what she wants. I imagine a bottle of Tesco Scotch asking me something unreasonable, makes it a lot easier - boy, do you need easier in these situations - to stay sane and give a sane reply.

If you do cave in from guilt, you'll get an alcoholic mother just the same, and a smoke-damaged baby. Cliche coming up: I know, I really know, how good at guilting drunks are, but you have a responsibility to yr baby and to yourself. Don't fail either of them.

I’m sort of in the same boat
Apart from it’s got to the point where I had already gone NC, you’re situation may be different but the only time she ever contacted me was when drunk and it was always some drunken rant trying to make me feel guilty for something or other
I briefly unblocked her number to tell her I was pregnant but I just got much the same as before so blocked her again.
You have to put yourself and your dc first from now on. I gave mine so many chances (23 years) but she just will not change and I couldn’t trust her with my dc and wouldn’t take it to her smoke riddled house.
Does she admit she has a problem / ever tried to get help?

She is not your responsibility.
You will soon have a child who will take up all your attention and energy. You can't have guilt and anxiety about her adding to the stress, so it's good that you are addressing this in advance.
I agree, go to Al-Anon. Be prepared to step right back and fight your own feelings of guilt.

She is really sensitive and takes everything very badly. Which is making me really really stressed out.

You do realise that this behaviour is not her being “sensitive” - but being abusive and controlling? She knows that being volatile and the threat of an eruption keeps you on your toes - and it stressing you out is deliberate. Don’t expose yourself and now your unborn baby to this toxic adrenaline.

Brilliant image of speaking to a bottle of scotch - you can’t possibly try to take on or make sense of the senseless banter of a drunk. By now her neural pathways are so damaged that she really will have some degree of an irreversible brain injury.

I too have an alcoholic mother and have limited my contact with her as a result. I email or call in the mornings before she's too pickled. She told me last year that it was her choice how much she drank, when I tried to talk to her about it. So I told her that was quite right but it was my choice how I reacted to, and interacted with her in light of that. I saw her during two days last week and left before she was plastered. I know that she's lonely and would like to see me more but I also know she won't stop drinking and has no memory of how poisonous she is in drink. So it's a question of striking a balance.

I had therapy a few years ago and this issue came up. My therapist told me I can't control other people but I can control my reaction to them. I wish you luck in finding your balance with your mum and your child

Is she in denial about the state she lives in and her alcoholism? Can you talk to her about it or is it absolutely impossible?

In all honesty, I would send her a card in the post and just tell her how you feel. Chances are she will read that above reading an email or listening to you on the phone.

I sincerely doubt she will change after reading it (alcoholics generally have to get a lot more desperate than that) but at least you will have put your cards on the table. And if she questions you or wants to talk or ring you up and be self pitying and needy, you just need to quietly say "it's all in the card Mum there's nothing to add".

You do not have to take your baby to visit her. You do not have to visit her yourself. I'm really sorry that she's not the Mum you yearn for - addiction is truly a foul illness.

I 2nd putting your cards on the table
This is what I did
I told her I didn’t want anything to do with her until she proved to me she was at least trying to get help . Which I knew she would absolutely not do. Ball is in her court , and I will not let my dc go through even an ounce of what she put me through , that would make me feel much worse than I do about cutting off my mother.

@JayKay183 you are definitely not the only one, it can feel like it at times but it is so common! And it is bloody hard at times. My mum has asked to have my DD before (19months) and said we could keep it a secret from everyone else (my DF and siblings would absolutely not allow this.) It was so hard having to tell her until she proves she can actually be sober and stay that way she cannot have DD. But you have to put yourself and your child first now. Your mum is an adult who chooses this lifestyle. You can’t control it, it’s not your fault at all, but you can control your own feelings and reactions.

I second Al-Anon suggestions. I haven’t been back in years but it did help when I was a teenager x

Congratulations on your pregnancy x