Contact between ds and his dad

[Hftgl]

I have another thread about the breakup so this is primarily about contact.
Ds is 11 and is non verbal and severely autistic. His dad used to stay over at mine a couple of times a week to help with ds as he has major sleep issues and it gave me a little respite. Ex doesn’t understand the challenges ds has and as long as ds is quiet he doesn’t interact with him. When ds has meltdowns he can’t cope with them and ends up making things worse so I then have to calm ds down - this can take several hours. Ds is a sensory seeker do needs watching all the time, he puts things in his mouth, tries climbing out of windows and will run off.

Ex now has new partner and therefore will no longer be staying over at mine.

Therefore, I won’t have any help during the night. I don’t want ex here anyway as I really want to move on myself and can’t with him staying over weekly.
So, my question is, how do I arrange contact? If ex takes him out I’m terrified something will happen to ds. Ex knows a lot of people and is always bumping into people he knows so stops for a chat and doesn’t keep his eyes on ds. If he’s at a park with him he spends all his time on his phone and isn’t watching ds. (I know because I’ve been told be multiple people).
He hasn’t seen ds at all for the last two weeks because I don’t want him at mine. Ex has no family so can’t take him to a relatives house. Ds hasn’t once asked for his dad (using his iPad speech device).
Ex has left ds life before, when we first split up he went to ow and didn’t see ds for over a year.
I don’t want to be a bitch about it but my sons safety is my number one priority. Ex is a drinker and also takes cocaine at least monthly. He has also been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder with schizophrenic tendencies and refuses to take any medication to help, preferring to self medicate! He has never paid a penny towards our son or even bought him a Christmas or birthday present. He has bought him a few things over the years but never on his birthday or Christmas. I do think he loves ds but I’m not 100% sure, sometimes I think he says he does just because of what others would say.
Sorry for the long post, hope you managed to get through it.

I also have a non verbal autistic child. I think that you already know that your ex isn't a suitable carer. The overnights with you were fine, but contact should be supervised.

Have you applied to disability social work for a personal budget for respite? Have you any friends with children who you could build a reciprocal childcare relationship with?

Oh gosh. Didn’t want to read and run. I can’t imagine how difficult that is for you. I guess it’s about weighing up the real need for you to have a break verses the risk factor of him being with his dad.
Do you have any other opportunity for respite? If you do I would let his dad just sort of fade away. If you don’t its a tough one. Because realistically you can’t do it 24/7 indefinitely. You will become unwell. Does DS go to school?

Thank you both for replying. Ds goes to an autism school so I do get respite during the day but as I have to drive him to school and it takes 3 hours a day (there and back x 2).
I kind of want to tell ex to f@ck off. Obviously he’s telling anyone who’ll listen that I’m stopping him seeing ds.
I have a supportive family and my dm has kindly offered to have ds overnight once a week during school holidays and also to come on days out with us as it’s hard doing it alone. I’m looking into parent support groups. I don’t have any friends, only one but she has no kids and works all the time do we don’t see each other very often.

When ex disappeared last time, after I’d got over the shock of him cheating, I was fine, ds was fine, in fact we were the best we’d ever been. When he came back, I started feeling sorry for him (yes I am stupid) but we have ended up in a similar position to before.

I really don’t want to be the kind of person who stops their child from having contact with their father but it seems that if I want to be a good mother then that’s exactly what I should do.

That's a good offer from your mum to tide you over for a while.

You should definitely find your local support sessions. You sound incredibly isolated. Nobody can do everything on their own.

Have you asked for a carers assessment? I'm just thinking that you might be able to use a social care assessment to your advantage in regards to your ex/his family too. You could tell them that you've discussed the situation with social care and have been advised to limit contact because of your ex's problems and DS's complex needs.

@wotsittoyou, that’s a really good idea. I’ll get on it this week, thank you