From abusive relationship to “normal” relationship

[bubblegum2019]

So I ended an emotionally abusive relationship at the beginning of this year 4 years on and off.

I’ve met an amazing guy who is so loving, attentive, ambitious, caring, kind etc and a true gentleman. He is everything I could ask for in a man and more but I’m worried because I don’t feel the same level of love and passion for him as I did my ex.

I do love him and care about him but it’s just different. He wants to settle down get married and have children and talks about this a lot which is also what I want but I’m worried about how I feel deep down and that I’m making a mistake.

Could these feeling just be how I should feel in a stable relationship vs the rollercoaster ride with my ex?

How long have you been with this man who wants to settle down and have kids with you? Especially given you only split with the last one early this year.

Could you instinct be warning you to back off? Perhaps he's not normal.
Heard of "lovebombing"?

I agree he does sound a bit full-on in what can only be at least a few months. This is probably what is giving you doubts because its all moving too fast. Also you can't possibly know him that well in such a short time so maybe your instincts are warning you to wait a while.
Slow things down. You do NOT have to do anything you don't want to do. Take your time to decide.

Thank you replying and yes I think you are right 100% as he is very full on and I think this is making me have doubts. But it doesn’t feel like love bombing as I’ve experienced that before I just think he really wants a relationship and a family. I have known him for 2 years as a friend and we’ve been out together with mutual friends on a number of occasions before we ever dated but I do feel things have moved fast.

I’m 30 and he’s 35 and he hasn’t been very lucky in love so I do think he just wants that next part of his life with someone and he just wants to settle down BUT I grew up in a very dysfunctional family so I don’t actually know what a healthy relationship looks or feels like so I’m always second guessing myself.

That all sounds very full on very fast

Maybe it's making you uncomfortable because it's a little smothering. There's nothing that kills passion quicker than having a trajectory for your life be decided for you.

Also, I wouldn't expect to even hear words like 'get married and have children' from a man until we had been together at least...18 months? Maybe more. Mentioning it when you've barley been together 6...it's sorta creepy. Let alone talking about it a lot.

And never get hung up on the 'this cant be 'lovebombing' because it isn't the same as the last lot of 'lovebombing' I went through'. Just be aware that it can still be the same thing with a different wrapping. There is something called 'future faking' which is common amongst certain sorts and is a form of lovebombing.

Be careful. Take things slow and certainly don't be marryng or starting a family with this guy for another couple of years - give yourself time A to figure out it is what you really want and B give yourself time to figure out if he is genuine, or another piece of work.

I'd be wary too. General conversations about wanting marriage/ kids - fine (as these can be deal breakers long-term). Specifically saying he wants to marry and have kids with you - especially if he brings it up a lot - slightly concerning. It's early days, you should be having fun / getting to know each other, not stressing about whether or not you see him as a permanent fixture in your life. Look after yourself OP and definitely be mindful of any other red flags.

I've had more than one abusive relationship. They are masters of disguise. The more convinced I was I wouldn't fall for another the more I paved the way for him.

The only thing they all had in common was moving things very fast

Thank you all so much you’ve given me a lot of think about.