Not sure how much more I can take of dh ex

[user3760x]

I just need a rant. I'm sorry. I've had many posts about her in the past but NC every time.

I'm just so drained by it and for some reason I find it hard to just let it go over my head and I don't know why?

Her and dh have a son who is of primary school (infants) age. She has not had any more dcs since and he is an only child.

Me and dh have a baby and I have 2 dcs previous.

I am the only woman that dss has ever been introduced too and I've been in his life since he was about 20 months old- I was not the ow either. They had been split up about 8 months.

Me and dh have obviously got married and now have our own family.

Maybe she is bitter still...it's been 5 years now but still.

We have him whenever she wants, at Christmas she asks us to have him (which is great for us) but it's like she purposely makes it so we cannot do anything. Every year she is supposed to have him for new year but then let's us know she wants to go out and she's leaving him with a babysitter. This makes dh uncomfortable as she really does just leave him with anyone (she's done this a lot in the past) so we cancel our plans to have him.

She has a go at dh for everything. And I mean everything. If he gets dropped off too late...she moans. If it's too early, she moans. If he's alseep, if he's awake. She moans that he has watched YouTube at our house or that he has eaten sweets. Every time he gets dropped off, she has something to say.

I could go on and on and on. We got sent a picture recently that she had put on social media - I won't say what it was but it was absolutely disgusting - meant as a joke but can be seen as sexual related and including dss and when dh confronted her about it, she just laughed.

We took him on holiday for a few days and she text dh after she collected him to say that dss has come home miserable and tried to bite her...this is all because we hadn't looked after him properly. We had an amazing holiday and dss was as good as gold!! But apparently we had 'changed him and turned him nasty'

She has had many men in his life and the most recent one moved in after 3 months of dating. She then reduced dss contact with us.

We have just found out she has a booked a holiday on our weekend to have dss and she hasn't even told us. Or asked!!

Dh does try to let it go over his head but sometimes he snaps.

She has refused to go to mediation and we can't afford to take her to court right now.

I'm at my wits end. I love dh but I honestly don't know if I can handle this for much longer. It's affecting my mental health.

She sounds like hard work. Poor you. Probably jealous. Keep telling yourself this is worth it ....

@SMellisa it really is such hard work. I don't know why it gets to me so much...probably because deep down I know she is jealous. It's actually driven me to the point of seeking help for my mental health. Not just because of her but she definitely plays a part in it

It sounds like a chaotic home environment. Could you and your husband go back to court and get primary custody?

Can you limit your interaction with her as much as poss and leave it to your DH. And then just ignore her. If you know that you're doing a good job and that she's just being difficult then try not to let it bug you. I'd almost be tempted to play a little game of bingo in my head and wait for her next comment. You can't control how she treats you but you can control your response to it.

I don't know if your H would agree but I would reduce contact slightly but make it carved in stone.

Like every second weekend. That's it. No discussions, no debates. You can all plan around that.

I remember with my x, he was always trying to change the goalposts. He could never just say ''ok, that works for me too''. It was his damaged self-esteem, every decision was from a narcissistic wound and he would change the arrangements at the last second. If we agreed to meet at the station at four then I'd be two minutes away and I'd get a text to say he was at the bus station. Eventually I cottoned on. I'd say ''phone about to die, see you at the train station'' to reduce his habit of changing all the goalposts and discussing and rediscussing things that had already been agreed.

I feel a BIT sorry for her too. Even though you weren't the other woman, there was an other woman? So she thought she had a marriage and a partner and now she is there alone with her son while her x who cheated is not paying the price. He gets a fresh start and a family life. I can see how that would be really fucking rankling. Not your fault but the woman is human.

Maybe ask her ''what would suit you? what can we all commit to that would suit you'' and get her to commit to it. Taht will cut down on discussion and hopefully resentment.

Don't worry OP. She sounds very jealous.

OP - I think you need to figure out why this is affecting you so much...
So - she is grumpy and jealous.
So, what?
Are you secretly angry that your H won’t have a go at her for being that way? Do you think it means something? Makes him less committed to you somehow?

He probably just doesn’t want to make things worse for his child. Which is what you should focus on as well.
There isn’t a competition between you and his ex. He left her.
Him not wanting to go to war with her doesn’t make your relationship any less.

However - it’s possible that there are other issues with him that bother you and you are transferring your annoyance onto this.