Ex-p illness childcare excuse

[flingabanana]

Ex-p has a chronic illness that means he's frequently unable to fulfil childcare commitments. His illness is real but he also has lazy-itis. Contact is erratic and unpredictable. MH issues and other issues.

He's also a lazy bastard and the illness crops up as an excuse every time he oversleeps, arrives late (most of the time to the tune of several hours), without prior notice, but I have zero way of proving he's lying. As such when I protest about this I get accused of being unreasonable etc etc. He's also got form for lying through his teeth and I have in the past unravelled long drawn out lies aimed at covering his inability to sort anything out. It's so infuriating.

DD lives with me 100% of the time, her dad comes over and all childcare happens here.

Today he's rung up to say he was ill last night, went to bed at 8.30am and that's why he couldn't help today. We had a planned family outing.

How would you deal with this unpredictability, laziness etc? DD loves her dad and I want to maintain the relationship but I find it infuriating. What kind of boundaries would you implement? Any ideas welcome.

NB he phoned at the exact time he was meant to be here, no text message beforehand, nothing.

How old is your daughter? I think it revolves around her and her feelings how you handle it. My immediate feeling would be to set very strict boundaries and stick by them but that means she needs to understand what you are doing and why. She may prefer it in the long term?

I'd stop making plans with him and if he wants to see his DD he needs to contact you on the day and see if your free. If you already have plans then tough luck for him. He's missing out on seeing his daughter.

I think I would plan on him never don't anything and it's a bonus if he does. IE anything you actually need childcare for, book someone else. A planned day out; he will join if he's well enough, if not we'll go without him.

Is the childcare because you are working? If so can you afford to pay for childcare when her dad is meant to have her, if he turns up she is with him, if not she goes to childcare. This is what I did for several years, I get it is not fair, but for the peace of mind it gave me, it was worth it

Stop relying on him, pay for childcare if you have to. If he wants to see his dd he has to fit in, and around you and your plans. My ex was like this and my life because so much easier when I stopped expecting him to be an adult about things.

You are allowing him to lazy parent. He isn't your family and you aren't running a dc care facility..

Thank you all. I have gotten a lot better over the last few years. DD is 7.

The problem is exacerbated by the fact I am the sole breadwinner and have to fit in work wherever I can around DD (self employed). So although the contact is erratic I rely on what little help there is to get my work done. So in one way if I say that's it you've lost your chance to see DD for the day then I also lose out for getting my own stuff done.

I guess I am just going to have to suck it up and find another way around getting my work done :(

Have a look to see if you claim childcare back, I didn't realise I could claim up to 70% back via benefits. Helped me out loads when the dc were younger