Is a lack of red flags a red flag in itself?

[HoundOfTheBasketballs]

Or am I just being daft and too over-cautious?

For context, I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for 7 years. We've been apart for 5 years now. I've had a few short term things since but none of them ever came to anything.

I've started seeing someone and we've been together for 4 months. He's lovely. I think I've learned good boundaries and a healthy sense of a normal relationship. He seems perfect. He's kind, helpful, supportive and just an all round nice guy. I think I'm falling for him. And try as I might, I can't seem to find a single red flag! I'm prone to overthinking things and now I've started wondering if him being so seemingly perfect is a red flag in itself.

Do I just need to unclench a bit and enjoy the ride? I'm secretly terrified he's going to turn out to be an arsehole. It's like I'm constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. It's ridiculous, isn't it?

Yes you are overthinking, and in danger of ruining your relationship.

Trust your instincts but don’t look for problems if they don’t exist.

You've said it yourself already. You're overthinking things.

You just have to remember they aren’t all awful. I felt like you on my first date with DP. I was like this is going well, he seems really normal. So I decided he must be a sociopath and was lying about being nice. Because I didn’t think a decent man would ever like me. Three years later still no red flags but he’s bought us a flat and gets my petrol. Just wish he’d trim his nose hair.

Thank you for the reassurance.
I definitely don't want to ruin things myself by overthinking it.
I think there is still an element of me thinking I don't deserve a good relationship, and that is something I need to work on.

I think there is still an element of me thinking I don't deserve a good relationship, and that is something I need to work on.

You may well be right, and it's insightful of you to see that in yourself. I'm like that where my DH is concerned, he's a lovely DH and dad to our DDs. At times I've found myself trying to sabotage it (in my case because of an abusive childhood).

But we've been married for 16 years now, so he's definitely a keeper. Your BF sounds like he's worth hanging on to as well.

The things is it's not always about the red flags themselves well not on their own.

The thing Iv learned is it's about being ready to end things when or if the time comes. It's about having enough belief in your self and enough respect for yourself that if things do go wrong even if that is 10 years down the relationship road that you will be strong enough to decide I am worth more than a shitty relationship!

Basically if things are good enjoy it, don't look for damage where there is none but don't be blind to it either. be ready and able to end things if the relationship changes and you are no longer happy or are being treated badly.
I'm not saying dive out before you check to see if there's something to work on but don't stay when there's nothing worth saving either.

I have been with Dp for over 15 years (after being in an abusive relationship before that) and so far it's a happy healthy loving relationship but if it suddenly wasn't then it doesn't matter how much I love him because I am worth more!
I love my partner and can see us quite happily being together until one of us dies (hopefully in old age obviously) I very much hope things don't go wrong but if they do then I'm sorry but no one is worth wasting the precious few years we get on this planet!

It's a hard lesson to learn but once you do it's quite freeing.