Mum - no friends

[SheStoodInTheStorm]

I'm after some advice and suggestions please...

I'll try and give as much info as I can without giving too much away.

My Mum and I have never had a close relationship. It's fine, but we've never been the close mother/daughter friends that others are.

For a bit of context, as a family we've been dealt a lot of crap and recently it's ramped up again. Mum had to give up work to care for DF after he became unwell. I've been seriously unwell too and currently that's all back again, so she is under a lot of stress.

One of the problems is that she always seems to want to be doing something with me and the DC. Whether it's a text from her saying she's bored, or calling to see what we're doing, or calling when she is out to see if I want anything (she can call 5+ times in a supermarket). All fine and I try and involve her as much as I can, even if it impedes a little on the family time I want with my own little family. If I am busy or already have plans she can get a little huffy and "don't worry about me".

I'm the "safe" one for her so get the brunt of a lot of her anger and frustration. Even though at the moment I can't really deal with it because of what I am going through. She says I put her down in front of my friends and she doesn't like it, but I rarely see her with my friends so not sure what she's on about. I'm sure she has depression and/or anxiety but she won't take anything for it or see a counsellor. She says she'll handle it.

For me, part of the problem is that she doesn't have a good group of friends. She has friends, but no-one she sees regularly or catches up with. I've suggested she takes up a new hobby etc or makes more of an effort with the friends she has rather than waiting on them to contact her all the time, but she always shoots me down.

We were together today at an event helping out, she was off with me the whole time and it's exhausting. I've asked what's wrong and if I've done something and it's always no. I messaged her to say I was thinking of going to do a nice activity in the morning if she'd like to come and it was "no thanks" a few hours later. I tried calling this eve and no answer and no call back. I just know she's got one on her but I can't keep dealing with the constant guessing game of what I've done wrong.

Does anyone have any suggestions of what I can do to help her? I feel like crap a lot because of her and I can't deal with it anymore.

Not to help her - but you.

Stop with the guilt.

Your Mum is a big grown up lady who can organise her own life.

Decide how often you'd like to see her then stick to it. You need to put some boundaries in place. That will get your relationship on to a more respectful footing.

At the moment you sound co-dependent.

@madroid is right. Put some boundaries in place.

You can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves. She's not your child, you don't need to teach her this stuff. Practice some responses, and use them when she's being problematic. You pandering to her is making it worse, not better.

Thanks both. Looked up codependency and much of it is very familiar. I'll keep reading around how to handle it all.

I just feel responsible for her and I suppose I'm sad she doesn't have proper friends of her own so feel the need to keep her occupied.

Hopefully when I am well again I'll go back to work. She has DC before and after school for us so usually see her every day. At the moment I'm off work so she doesn't have DC and isn't seeing as much of us which definitely doesn't help.