Namechanged as a bit outing (and embarrassing!)
Bit background first. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship with ex-dp and father of my ds for 7 years, from 19 to 26. He was a huge liar, spent all our money, made me feel like crap, told me no one would ever want me, gaslighted me to the extent I was dosed up to the eyeballs on drugs due to my anxiety and had to take 6 months off work and lots of other things . Eventually he did a huge favour and cheated on me which finally gave me the kick I need. Almost 4 years on I have a lovely house, retrained for a career I love, ds is thrivig, lots of friends and basically loving my life.
I met my bf last year and we have been together for 16 months. He is LOVELY. He treats me amazingly well, always calls when he says, never lies, has never let me down, is kind, generous, loving, clever, gorgeous, gets on well with my ds, lovely friends, brilliant family, makes an effort with my family/friends and basically I didn’t know I could ever love someone like this. Obviously he’s not perfect (who is??) but is perfect for me. He has NEVER given me any reason to distrust him.
But my paranoia is through the roof. This is the most recent example:
He is currently in Ibiza for the week for his db’s 30th. I don’t expect him to constantly be in touch with me at all. I sent him a Facebook message earlier in reply to his asking me how his day had gone and saw that he had read it . In my reply I’d just chatted about my morning (boring stuff) then mentioned his sis in law had text me a snotty text about his bro (they’re having issues). I then said god, so much drama, I’m keeping out of it with a laughing crying face. I then said enjoy the boat party, keep safe love you. After he read the message he didn’t reply. He’s on a boat party somis obviously busy getting drunk and normally I wouldn’t even expect to speak to him till tomorrow afternoon when he’s recovered. But suddenly I got a huge bout of anxiety, thinking he wasn’t replying to me because he was pissed off with me for telling him about the message even though there’s no reason for him to be pissed off!!! I was almost sick with anxiety and couldn’t settle all day, checking to see if he’d replied. I was so worried he thought I was being a bitch and would want to dump me.
This seems to be happening more and more. I do feel he’s out of my league and that I am so lucky to have met him but my friends constantly tell me how lucky he is as wel (he tells me this all the time too). I worry he’s going to kind of, come to my senses or realise I’m not good enough or that there’s something he really doesn’t like about me. I then feel SICK with anxiety. I have had counselling and tried beta blockers for the anxiety but it’s getting worse. I just feel so paranoid all the time.
This is an absolute ramble and I know I sound like a 15 year old girl instead of a grown, competent woman but this anxiety that it’s all going to tumble down is too much. We’ve talked about the future and we both are in it for the long haul so how do I accept that one comment is going to make him dump me, that he loves me (he tells me all the time and shows me in so many way) and that I need to realise that as lucky as I am, HE is also truly lucky to be with me.
Thanks for reading!